The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Friday, November 4, 2011

i'll get you right; give you a ride outta town

i feel like i'm talking but no one's really listening. i hate malaysia. like i really hate it. or maybe i hate malaysians. i mean whenever i act the way i am in front of my parents they always tell me, it's not in our nature, it's not in our blood, as malaysians we are softspoken and we beat around the fucking bush. fuck that. i can't take it anymore. if i meet another person who personifies this stereotype i am going to pack my bags and go away. i bet they'd all like that.

there's like a group of people at my school. you can tell they just hate each other. there's resentment behind every single word they say, even if it's preceded by something like, 'aw i love you so much'. i'm not going to be them. i'm not going back to that, when i knew that raihan and afreena and nisa had a bond much closer than i had with all of them combined. and that time that raihan and afreena went their own ways and i just felt kind of stranded and had to deal with nisa, whom i don't really like. i changed mostly when i became a prefect. some newfound confidence or something. so thanks i guess. before that i never would have had the guts to say half the things i say to people nowadays. and i say them out of respect.

i hated being out of loop i hated it that people lied to my face i mean like all of them, my friends my parents family boyfriend whatever, and if they aren't lying they're sugarcoating things. it's the worst feeling ever when you know that someone was talking about something but then they stop talking about it when you join in the conversation. i don't like that feeling. and honestly? what the fuck does everyone or anyone even want from me anymore?

do you want that? do you want me to passive agressively hate on you and stab you in the back? do you know how many times i've told hanna about my participating in other people's gossip and mocking of her? every single i time do it. i don't join in for fun or for lack of better things to do, most of the time i defend her anyways if i'm in a good mood. do you know why i decided to call nisa that day when hanna and i went out without her at the risk of her not speaking to me again? because i remember a time when nisa, raihan and afreena had a sleepover and invited me a day late and they decided to not tell me. and i felt like crap when i found out.

if i'm nice, if i'm a doormat, then people would just do that again. and worst, i'll be doing that to people. i'll be the nisa, raihan and afreena in the situation, excluding someone and then not telling them about it. does that make me any better than if i call nisa up and tell her that i was having a coffee date with hanna? morality is clearly objective and while the right thing to do may be to have told nisa in the first place about what was going to go down, i honestly couldn't get her. she didn't answer the texts, phone calls, whatever. i'm not a bully. not anymore.

not a lot of people can do sarcastic. hanna's never bothered by it. i've said tons of things to her and she stands her ground. she understands when i mean it and when i don't and even when i do mean it and i've said it in an offensive way, she doesn't condemn me for it. the reason she got angry was because i decided to bring the fight to a public platform, not because of what i actually said. i can do sarcastic. i can do it without hurting people much and when i hurt people, like when i genuinely see the flash of hurt across santra's or maybe hanna's eyes, i back down. i apologize for hurting their feelings but i don't apologize for what i said. and i never will.

there are some people who can hurt. like nisa. she's a kind of funny i'd like to call whacky or maybe just crazy sometimes so it doesn't mesh well when she's being hurtful, purposely or not. like pri. because she's also a different kind of funny, something i'd maybe call high-funny (or pri-funny, right) and that too doesn't click well with being blunt. i can do that. i have full liberty to do that. i have wit and dry humor and sarcasm and sometimes use political jokes or slapstick humor to vary things up a bit but i can do blunt. people are totally okay with me doing blunt.

so i just don't understand. what do you want me to say. do you want me to apologize, heck, do you need me to apologize, to satisfy some deep craving or your ego or to heal up old wounds or something? you know what? nobody else saw it. nobody else saw me breaking down last year after that whole world cup thing with maze and that thing with pri and kai and nobody else accompanied me to the toilet. nobody else. just you nadiah. so you honestly think i'm that person? you honestly think i have no heart? after that whole thing with nisa and hanna you honestly think i don't care?

point, i screamed at you a lot during that time because i was angry and you were the catalyst to all of my problems don't deny it. point, i was rude and in your eyes, crossed the lines, whatever we're talking about. point, i should not have said "no you're not" to you coming to the sleepover, nor should i have said "have fun with your family and good luck you'll need it" because the last one, the good luck thing, was unacceptable. i would've punched someone... actually, someone actually did say that to me. and i laughed and said, "yeah right".

most of the time the problems i have with my friends, i blame it on them not being comfortable in their own skins, not knowing who they are but i'm too hard on people. i mean we're all fifteen and you're still fourteen nadiah and i can't exactly expect fourteen and fifteen year olds to know who they are just because i've figured it out. that part is my fault, a lens i should get wiped.

the reason i didn't apologize? because i don't feel like i needed to. need to. because what i said were all within the boundaries of things you've heard me say before. when i was twelve, i told someone, "well, yeah, right, as if you're going to beat me" and "what the fuck i sounded like heer raj. only i'm not him. i'm better". i have this tendency to take it too far and i don't honestly mean it because if i did i wouldn't be crying my eyes out at night worrying about other people being better than me. you know you could beat me in several subjects nadiah. you know you're a better sportsman than i am. and you know you're a nicer person too. isn't that enough? that knowledge? i told the whole wide internet about nisa's religious non-exploits and about hanna's annoyingness. i told you, just you, to have fucking fun with your family and good luck for pmr because you'll need it. i don't know about you but when we put things in perspective...

one extra thing since i'm having this pity party. i called kai. i can't believe it. i mean. it was that pathetic. i know she doesn't care and i accept that but. i can't. i just shouldn't have done that and i should just delete her number from my phone. forever.

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