The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Having Says

I am actually in a good mood today so that's a rarity. I woke up earlier than expected: twelve thirty. The entire morning, I was having a battle with Megavideo. It would load up until a certain point and then the progress bar would just zoom to completion and I wouldn't be able to play anything past that point. It makes me sad. It makes me feel like when I get my first credit card, one of the first things I'm going to do is get myself a premium account. And then that just makes me feel cheated, like the unintelligent, unthinking consumer I truly am. So that made me sad. But only in the morning, though. And forgive me if my idea of morning is twelve o'clock until sometime around three. 

It must be because I slept comparatively early yesterday, at around one, because I was also facing trouble with Megavideo. And not just that stupid site. Zshare and VideoWeed as well. If there was no such thing as Internet, I wonder how my life would be like right now? I would probably be a less precocious child. Also, I would not have a blog and I would not be writing all of this down. Weird. 

Anyways, what I was getting to is that I've been in a fairly happy mood today and that in itself is weird. I guess what I needed was a surprise to pop out of the bushes and scare me a little bit to realize exactly where I stand on the matter. And as to what matter that is, I'm not going to tell you because people read this blog, scary and obnoxious as that sounds. But back to that matter and what I was saying was that I now know where I stand and I now know exactly how I feel about the entire situation. And that is nothing. I feel absolutely nothing for the entire situation. And I get that it's not sunk in yet, and I also get that I fancy myself quite the pessimist (or realist, really), but whatever it is, at the moment, I'm pretty much just okay.

Actually, at the moment, I feel like a brain floating around in a jar. That's something new. After feeling like all of my friends have trodden on me like big, giant insects all this while, feeling like a brain suspended in unknown matter in a jar... isn't all that bad, I've got to say. So that's your daily update on my life.

As to what I've actually been up to, it's hard to say. I created a list, after all, and on top of the list are the words "short term goals (so that I can't just sit around, saying to myself, "I'm bored")" but here I am, sitting around and saying to myself that I'm bored. Mostly it's because Megavideo is being a bitch. And the massive Torrent I'm downloading is making every single thing I do on this computer something like fifty percent slower. So I was pleasantly surprised (well, not really surprised, just... it was just a pleasant feeling) to find out that on my Dad's laptop, everything is super fast. So now I will spend my nights watching stuff on Megavideo and my mornings... doing other things. Like, I don't know. I don't really know what on my list I can actually do. That's why my schedule's booked with social interactions on both Friday and Saturday.

It's a wonder I managed to write 70,000+ words for my Nanowrimo when I've written an entire post about what I have not been doing. Shocked, really. 

And this is what I call a whimsical post.

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