The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

All Singing, All Dancing

I'm kind of super tired of life right now. That moment of clarity and serenity and being all Buddha-like has passed. I'm just back to unreasonably angry now. I am scared that when I'm pregnant, I'll actually end up killing someone and right now, I have a clear picture whose head I'm blowing off.

At least someone's making me happy. I know I should be grateful. One part of my life always kept in check (after the whole Evolution thing - and, wow, if I hadn't used that word in a while) and I don't have to worry about that ever again. At least I know one person would stay up with me all night while I rewrite the lyrics to Someone Like You.

So where was I? Right. Super angry at my life and not caring whether anyone else cared or not. I'm feeling like having a pity party but I have camp to deal with. So. Sucks.

Let's see. I'm a bitch because I'm angry. And I'm angry because of a) the hand that I've been dealt (I didn't ask for this and I have not the slightest inclination as to how to fix it, so please. If someone could just pray for it to go away, I'll be forever in your debt), b) the fact that because of things I did when I was seven, eight, nine, ten, I don't deserve happiness like other people deserve happiness and finally, c) karma.

Like that time Andrew Lim sent me the e-mail telling me he wanted to give me my iPod touch back. I kept thinking, in all those hours in between, that there should be a catch because something that nice doesn't happen to me. Nice things shouldn't happen to me.

I remember Iylia asking me whether I was a hypocrite and I said no. I thought that living a life of pure honesty, not with how I felt about myself, but how I felt about other people, meant that I could get a free pass from Hypocrisyville. But here I am, condemning someone for the same, no, the exact same thing I did last year. Sometimes in the middle of all those tears, I didn't really stop to think about what she's feeling. And what's worse was that I spent the whole year resenting her for finding a better life and better friendships than I could possibly offer.

Let's be childish. Let's fight. None of this "no hard feelings" crap because I have hard feelings. 

You are not like that. You will not wake up feeling the things I have felt or am feeling. We are different, completely different and for all I know, every single day you wake up, the Sun would be shining down upon her, and the birds chirp and the morning dew glistens and you're sleeping in meadows and meadows and meadows of wild flowers. Well, on the bright side, I've now figured out how I'm going to introduce myself to people in the future. Plus sides to everything.

I am the worst person I've ever met. Who may you be?

I, personally, hope you're happy that you've made someone feel this way. I know I am very happy to have made her feel this way last year. Because I'm a heartless bitch. 

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