The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

'cause all i've learned is to suffer

Fuck you and your new friends. Jealous is what I am and I’m not ashamed to admit that. I miss you. Please realize that.
Stop showing off. Nobody likes you.
You are selfish, self-centered, and mean. At times, a bully. The worst part is that you don’t even know it. No wonder everyone’s leaving you. The question is, should I?
=

For the peace of mind, here's my conspiracy theory:

You want them, you've always wanted them (Afreena and Raihan), not me. And when they got closer together and shut you out, all you were left with was me. And you honestly think I was happy about that? I didn't want to be friends with you, I wanted her, I've always wanted her. It was my semi-psychopathic climb to the top. My failed semi-psychopathic climb to the top and you were just in my way. (Maybe it was that, maybe it was that I was just sort of drawn to Afreena, like moth to flame, but because of my narrow-mindedness, I didn't really realize that that was what it was. So I'm an attention seeking whore, is the story I stick to. What else is new?) It's not my fault that you got saddled with me. It's not my fault that you had to "deal" with me.

I know you'd rather be with them because they're your friends, aren't they? The ones who left? (Boarding school, then London. Found new friends and had a personality transplant respectively.) They're your real friends? Right. I understand that and I understand that I'm just someone you picked up, nothing more than a hitchhiker. And that's great. Really. (Because I don't think you're a nice person. And even if you weren't a nice person, I could tolerate that. I tolerate Hanna. I tolerate Kai. I love them, even, sometimes. But you're a hypocrite and that's one thing I cannot for the life of me stand. And the worst part is that you don't even know it, fucking asshole.)

So be a child. Cry because all you've got left out of the holy trinity of your teenage dream is me. Cry because I am a terrible person. (Stand up in front of people you don't even know in a public speaking workshop, and cry because Raihan and Afreena left. And cry because I'm the only one left. I used to think it was all about me, and that's what you pretended it was, too. We all thought you cried because you were grateful to have me, still here, still, but you cried because they left and they didn't take you with them.) And regret what you did to your friends, the ones who left, because you would do it to me in a blink of an eye. (You said the meanest thing you've ever done in your life was tell Afreena that she was a bitch. In true hypocrisy, that is what you tell me every single day.)

You're not trying. You're crying. You're literally sitting down on the floor and bemoaning your life. You're keeping it all inside. (You're writing passive aggressive posts on Tumblr and I think Twitter as well directed at me, directed at Raihan, and you expect your problems to just mysteriously solve themselves out? No. I want a fight. I want to scream and shout. I didn't get that with Nadiah. I want that with you. A storm's coming.) Isn't that what I told you not to do? Because of what? What are you trying to protect? Who are you trying to protect? Because it sure as hell isn't me. (Because you don't care for me a bit.)

They come back. They come back and I leave and at the end of the day, I don't have a reason to feel lonely.  (You think everyone's leaving me? No. No one did. And if you want to waltz out of my life because of some stupid thing you have with yourself that you're too shit stupid to settle on your own, then you'd be the fucking first.)

You don't know me. You came into my life at a weird time, a weird place. You don't know what happened with any of my friends last year and you have absolutely no say in any of the things that I've done save for what I have done to you. (You don't know what happened with Pri and you of all people don't get to judge because you weren't there and you didn't even know we were friends. So you know what? Everyone's leaving me? Really? And who might those people be? Nadiah? Because whatever Nadiah and I right now, it's not the departure terminal at the airport. You don't know shit. So sit down and shut your fucking mouth.)

And let me ask you, what is it that's so terrible, that's so disgusting, that I've done to you to make you hate me so? Because I live my life defending my lifestyle and I'll continue to do it until my dying breath. (Because I only call you fat because you call yourself fat first.)

Hypocrites are the type of people who disgust me the most on this planet and that's why I live day by day trying to make up and make amends for any form of hypocrisy I've committed instead of ignoring it and pinning the whole load on someone else. You think I was being unfair to you when I lashed out at you guys during camp? You're a bucket of laughs.

Hypocrites are the worst. But I'm starting to think that maybe passive aggressive people are just as bad.

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