The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Monday, October 3, 2011

It's About Time

From the initial confusion of 'why do these people want to check my nails and socks?', to being stopped by a random senior who told me that she liked my hair. "In your face." PRS interviews (or lack thereof), prefects interview, meeting people, stalking people, being allowed (unfortunately) to sit next to Nisa for the entire first half of the year. Ungku. Lana. Exams and stress and hair pulling and competition. Prefects board drama. Hari K drama. Influenza drama. Actual, real-life friendship drama. A whole lot of other drama. And it just feels so... congested now. So full and saturated with so much unnecessary drama and when I look back at it, there really wasn't anything. Nothing to worry about. And class party and last day of school when I found out that I was going to be in 2G and whining to anyone who would lend half an ear and saying, "Aw, no, I wanted the other Pri," because at the time I was closer to her.

From the very first, apprehensive day of, "Oh, boy, here we go again," to PMD. It was a different environment, a different crowd, a different set of friends with a different rule book. And sitting next to Thivyaa. God. So, so much drama and I... hated it so much now that I look back upon everything. I hate myself for being the catalyst to all of that. Because everyone else was just, you know, oblivious and there I was, eye of the storm inverted, chaos. And I made so many memories last year. So many friends and lessons learnt. So many things I want to take back and yet a truck load of things I want to keep, keep, keep. I know now, I'm better for it. I can think clearly without perfume clogging up my airways, turning my brain into mush. The bad people go. The good stay and while I was mistaken all along, they weren't The One That Got Away and it was in fact someone else, I guess I've just come to... accept it? Embrace it? Not worry about it anymore because at this point, what else can I do but what I've already done? I don't want to make this worse here.

From the very first day of pure and utter horror, train wreck, to the second day, in which I learned that to get what you want, it's no use just sitting down on your butt waiting for it to land on your lap. You get up. You get up and fight and that's what I did and that's what I've been doing the whole year. I'm better for it now. You can see that. I'm better.

A period of roughly around 3 years. 3 years of drama, even more drama and learning to live with a lack of drama. All culminating up until this point. This day. 8 subjects and then some and whiteboards and text books and pencils lost and found. An entire curricula people expect to learn in a span of a day. And right now, there's no more, oh, but I'll do more tomorrow. I'll study more tomorrow, do more tomorrow, be more tomorrow. Because tomorrow's here.

“You will never be able to please everybody, especially not yourself. So don’t listen to anyone, and don’t listen to yourself, because you will bring yourself down more than anyone. I know I do. Just be you. Be you, and hold on to it.” -- Chris Colfer (x) 

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