The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Advice For the World Weary

Sometimes I wish I had never met you because then I could go to bed at night not knowing there was someone like you out there. 

A lot of the time, I wake up and the world seems like such a... clear place. My path is set, all I have to do is follow it. My life is easy, even though I know that there are going to be hardships and struggles to face ahead but for now, it's easy. I wake up and it's just something about the morning, you know, when the sun's not out yet and everything's still a deep, dark purple but with a kind of glow. It reminds me of the color of a soul, even though that's impossible, of course. A lot of the time, I wake up and whether I want it or not, time moves and I live.

Sometimes I wake up and I can't see. Not blind, that's not it. It's just that the colors and hues, the grays and blues and dark purples, mix together and I think I'm seeing a picture but when I look away I can't remember what I've seen. I think I said something but to be honest, today's one of the kind of mornings in which whatever I say goes in through me and I'll forget it in a matter of a few seconds.

People ask me, and sometimes hilariously persuade me, why I am making an active decision to stay where I'm staying. But that's just it, isn't it? I always stay. I'm always the one who's stationary, unmoving, still. Farhana left for boarding school after she left my life, Raihan left for boarding school as well, Debbie moved, Leela moved, Afreena moved, Kai switched schools, last year Nisa and I were separated. It doesn't feel like it for them but Lana and Ungku left. It feels like it for me because I've always been here. I'm the one who stayed and other people are the ones who walk out and sometimes... sometimes you don't lose someone because they leave. Sometimes you lose someone because you know that there's just something, someone better for you out there. And it's a lose-lose situation. 

Digressing, but I think that in the future when I look back upon these days of my teenagehood, someone's going to go up to me, maybe Helena, maybe a new friend, maybe my very own conscience, someone's going to go up and say, "You looked happier reading her texts than his." 

Back to what I was saying before, which was that people ask me... people ask me why I don't want to switch schools. And honestly? I don't know. Sri Aman is like everything gone wrong wrapped in a nightmare and if Hanna left, there goes the last person to ever understand me. I guess, to me, at least, I sort of expect these things to happen because that's just what life is. It sucks. And then you die. And you get judged, and go to either heaven or hell or whatever. And it's not like I don't know this or am not fully aware of the fact. I do. And it's not like I don't know that God wants us to make the best out of life but life's... not much to make something good out of. I suppose this is pessimism at its best, glass not filled with water at all, but after everything, I feel an odd sense of entitlement that I'm not really comfortable with. 

I stay because I would never leave. I stay because I can't bring myself to leave. That's the kind of person I am. I am not a mover or shaker, I stay. And I'm starting to think that Nisa's like that as well. She stays. And I'm in no mood to dictate in my own words whether it's better to be a person who stays or leaves. 

I used to dream, when I was Farhana's friend, that there would be this person who comes into my life and just... makes everything all right, you know? Someone I can talk Harry Potter with, someone who appreciates and is totally cool with my obsessions, someone who listens. I never got that. I mean, I guess Hanna's the closest but Hanna, despite what we may say to each, she's not mine, if that makes any sense. I... know what it feels like when someone's mine. Completely, totally and utterly mine. It feels a little bit like being lightheaded all the time. It feels like power.

So maybe in my heart of hearts, I stay because I want to see progress. I want to leave Sri Aman knowing that I served my sentence there, paid my dues, did my own time and left the rest to everyone else. Comparing that school to prison isn't doing it any favors, but whatever. I want to leave Sri Aman knowing that I didn't give up on it, like so many other people gave up on me. Maybe in my heart of hearts, when I pledge my allegiance to the school in Monday assemblies, maybe I really mean that, as opposed to repeating whatever's said. Maybe I hate school but I can't bear for someone else to take my place and hate it instead.

And maybe that, too, is why I'd like to come back to Malaysia after my studies. People talk big talk about wanting to leave, about wanting something bigger, better but here's advice for the world weary: you don't go somewhere expecting it to change you. It happens sometimes, sure, on an off chance or two, but you stay. You stay and change things and that's the best type of people. I'm not saying that I'm this brave person, who doesn't want to run away, who wants to stay and fight because honestly, fight or flight is the last thing on my mind. I'm saying that if people want to leave, think about it first. Really think about it. If you don't fit in here, there is absolutely no guarantee you'll fit in anywhere else. If you don't fit in here, there's no guarantee you'll fit in somewhere else as an immigrant.

I stay. That's my decision.

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