The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Friday, September 2, 2011

into the light of a bridge that burns

I was thinking about all of this last night but somewhere between then and now, everything, like, all the words have somehow slipped out of my mind and I'm not sure I can be as coherent today as I would have been yesterday but anyways.

It's how people say that no matter what, you should be true to yourself and fuck what the others think but that is such a hypocritical thing to say, now that I've thought about it, because this is usually applied to nice people. Good people who've been hurt by bad people, bully victims, those who are pure of heart but too afraid to let their 'light shine'. Like, people like me, who are rude and selfish and don't care about anyone other than themselves, I get that too, you know. People tell me to just be myself too but when I do, when I'm myself and annoying and mean and honest and truthful and blunt and self serving, people tell me to change.

So it's like, which one is it, because the world isn't divided into the good people and the bad people. It's all subjective, like, Nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. So, which one is it? You can teach community to be accepting or you can teach community to not be assholes but you can't do both at the same time. You can mold society's mindsets to be accepting and then change them for the better or you can raise them up good and proper and later on instill acceptance and tolerance in them. One or the other.

Preach one or don't preach at all because it's stupid to keep telling kids "just be yourself" and then turning around and telling off the assholes and douchebags, telling them to change, telling them to be better. I get that it's just a figure of speech, maybe, or just something you'd tell people, but even though it's not meant to be specific, someone could still take it literally. I could still take it literally.

And it's like this. When all around me people are just like "be yourself and let everything else fall into place" and you're me. You really think it's that easy? As many times as I've been a victim, I've been a bully too. As many times as I've fallen, I've stepped on people's heads too. I've tried changing but like so many people have realized, it's really not worth it. At heart, I'm not evil, I'm not bad and I'm still a pretty helpful and somewhat decent human being. But on the surface I'm not and do I deserve to just live my life being who I am?

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