The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

This Star (Won't Go Out)

What a special, special beautiful day and because of that (and because of the fact that I'm afraid I have already forgotten how to write) I'm going to make a post. For, like, the heck of it.

Last night, the ever-charming English teacher of mine called at 10.30 something and told me to tell others to bring their English books tomorrow (um, today) because some people are coming in the class to, well, whatever. Just to look, I guess. I mean, she applied for this teacher promotion thing or something and while I would laugh a lot if she got it, today was fun fun fun. 

We had to pick a part from the novel Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde and change it, thus changing the ending. And for our group, we made Jekyll fall in love with that maid that witnessed the Danvers Carew murder case and stuff happened in the end. Yesterday, we did the same thing and well, it sucked but today's was so good. I was blown away by each and every group's performance because they were all so good! Gloria's group performed with a poem and while it included homosexuality, I'm happy that unlike Pn Noraini, Pn G didn't seem to be mad or anything. I mean, no hands on her heart going 'oh my'. And Sabrina's group was flawlessly acted out, Cassandra's group brought the funny, Divyia's group was acted out way, way better than yesterday and Esther and Zhi Lin did such a good job for my own group! So, yeah, that was a good period. 

Oh, but I got sort of angry and went into my own world of stewing-in-disapproving-silence after teacher told us about applying for the whatever GC application of hers. She said that nowadays, teaching's not only about blackboards and chalk, worksheets and lectures, classes have to be more student-oriented to generate creativity and... yeah, yes, well, while I appreciate the lengths they have "gone" to for the betterment of the Malaysian education system, I'm kind of like "whoah, hypocrite!" about the whole thing because a) life's still blackboards and chalk, worksheets and lectures, only technology's disguised this easily enough with like powerpoint presentations and those handy-dandy CDs that our Science teacher used all the time last year. I mean, nothing against that way of teaching because whatever I absorb, it's most probably not from school (the only thing I find school useful for is BM but mostly that's because I, admittedly, need all the help I can get for that subject), but it's more about other people. And b) regardless of whether or not that method of teaching is effective, it hardly matters because I hardly call what our English lessons are educational. I don't get it. I understand that English is not the country's primary language and not everyone's good at it but treating the syllabus like a kindergarten syllabus? That doesn't make much sense. We're not learning grammar or how to write or things to avoid while writing or how to pronounce things properly or anything. Textbook makers and English syllabus organizers, what the hell?

And c) student centered classroom or not, it still feels as if the curriculum is being shoved down my throat more often than not. Have you seen the school's interpretation of a literature class? It's not healthy, it's not right, and the whole standardized education stifles creativity thing has been done to death, true, but I am still not over it. I can enjoy Maths and Science as it is (well, maybe not Science. Not with this teacher) because I hardly think there are that many ways to interpret Maths and Science, but History? English? KH? 

Stupid Astro censoring committee. They're very fickle minded about what constitutes as censor-worthy or not. Anyways, as I was saying, happy day today! Or we try, at least. Admittedly, it was nice of Pn A to inform us beforehand of the test she's giving tomorrow instead of, um, calling us at 10.30 at night. So! I have made a simple objective-question question, which you can answer however which way you like because there is no such thing as a wrong answer, only a wrong person! 

Which one of these teachers would you like to spend the rest of your educational life with? 
A. Pn Gohilah
B. Cik Ili
C. Pn Noraini 
D. Will Schuester 


So like maybe a week ago or something, I had a talk with my Dad and it was nice because often I don't talk to my Dad properly because I have this insane urge to just get away from my parents as much as possible if I'm not in need of money or a car to drive me places. I think it's ingrained in my teenage hormones. Actually, I'm pretty sure it is. Anyways, so that got me to deciding that come what may, whatever the fuck happens, I want to be my Dad when I grow up. Or rather, I want to be like my Dad. I mean, it's cool to be him because he's not perfect and in his life, I'm sure he's made mistakes but (and I know this sounds arrogant) at the end of the day, if I've managed to raise someone like me, who appreciates her parents and their sacrifices and realizes all of these things and tries to once in a while fight against her teenage hormones to have a conversation with her parents, then I'm guessing that I'd have done a pretty bang up job as a parent. So! That is the objective now: to be my Dad when I grow up. I also would like to be somewhat like Chris Colfer and I say that because I can never be him and I know that. I just want his drive, his passion and talent and humbleness and the strength to persevere and work hard and beat the odds. 

I should get myself a female role model so I'll say JK Rowling because she wrote kick-ass books and her battle with depression is very inspiring. Also, I want to be like Myself when I grow up. Because you can't be anyone but yourself! I would say I want to be like my mother, but then I'd just end up late wherever I went and I think I'll have several very severe meltdowns before that ever happens. 

You're the last of my happiness, I know you don't know that. I don't know why it chose this particular week to surface but, like, it's not like I didn't have an inkling before. It's not like I am completely oblivious of my subconscious. We can be just like this, even though that's not what I want. And others tell me that I should not only forget about it, but burn that bridge completely but you know what? You're the last of my happiness and I just wish, I just wish you would listen to me and believe me when I tell you that.

Hm. So, yes. I love you all. I am in a very good mood today and I wonder if it'll change when I start studying and doing homework and stuff. It probably will.

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