The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Sexy Face

It's a very humbling thought, to think that no matter what words we can throw around in our heads or out loud, we're still in the safe zone here. It's not even the early stages because nothing is in stage. True, like someone pointed out today, it's not as if we're the cleanest of the clean, but we make do and so far, there's been nothing drastic. That whole thing a few weekends back, that was nothing, in the grand scheme of things and for them to make it out as if it's such a huge, huge scary thing, is preposterous because it just seems to me, that as the days roll on by and more and more country folk start to discover the power of complaining, it's getting worse and worse everywhere else. It's not a very settling feeling, you know, to go to school and then come home to terrible news. How many times has this happened to me? Tons. And I'm nothing but a spectator, sitting on the outside, not even fully looking in. 

So, yes, we're lucky. I'm lucky. I used to be slightly naive in the fact that when my Dad goes, "Oh, it's worse in other countries," I'd just roll my eyes and think, "Yes, but I'm not living in other countries." Perspective is a wonderful thing to have and as I grow older I'm proud to have made the mistakes I have in the past because that means that I've gained at least some knowledge from it. I'm better today for having lived in ignorance. I'm better today because I can think more than I have yesterday.

There's still this life to deal with, unfortunately. I can't focus solely on the pain of others because I too have a life, however charmingly boring and monotonous that life is. At least the routine's never been disrupted by anything horrific before and who can say they're not grateful for that? So it's been studying and not studying, fanfiction and sleeping, and that basically sums up the entirety of my existence right now. Like normal, I wish I had more time to read, to maybe watch the news or browse Wikipedia, like the old times, but well, I can't, and what can I do to change that? Who am I to do or say anything about it? Like our good old BM teacher said today, it's not really a choice, whether we want to strive for straight A's or not. The choice has been made already because anything less than that is considered unacceptable; which you would think, logically, is ridiculous, given the fact that we're all humans with our own strengths and weaknesses and not everyone can be good or even remotely competent in 8 subjects. Not everyone can be wholly passionate about 8 subjects, much less those who are taking on the burden of more than that. 

It's always been a struggle for me to accept the fact that like it or not, I've just got to close my eyes and do it. Because I find it unfair. Because I don't think it's at all necessary. Because the way I see it, even if school was nonexistent, I'd still want to learn. Maybe I won't learn things the way the school's syllabus is planned out, maybe I would have preferred a different tactic to it. Regardless, and rather sadly, might I add, school is existent and most people complain about it. Kind of weird to think about because at the end of the day, it's not fun to be an uneducated person. I know I, personally, am better off knowing the things that I know because it has shaped the way that I think today. And I quite like the way that I think today, thank you very much. And pretty much every other day. 

Speaking of days, it's surprising how fast they just come and go and today was no different. Since the beginning of secondary school, it's always been at the back of my mind that whatever happens at school will sooner or later be over because I'll just be home, two o'clock on the dot, and while the whole process is to be repeated again the next day, I hardly think that matters between the spaces of 2 in the evening until 6 the next morning. I just call it my lost hours - school - in which I'm not entirely sure what went on, but I must've gained knowledge in some form or another somewhere along the way. 

On the subject of people, they have once again quite annoyed me, today and yesterday in particular. I doubt Nisa will read this so whatever. Here goes. Sometimes it gets rather annoying that we treat each other with as much bluntness, rudeness and ruthlessness either of us can muster because the distinct difference is that I'm like that with everyone, while Nisa's only like that with me. I think I used the wrong word in Form 1 when I said that she was a hypocrite because that's not exactly what this is about. It's mostly about the fact that Nisa has just that much more leverage on me to pile all of this crap on my shoulders whenever we're talking with a third party because she doesn't treat anyone quite the same as she treats me, whereas everyone's fair game to me. And this makes me rather upset because of course everyone sees her as this charming and kind of nice and playful person and - it's not always, mind, just on certain occasions - she villainizes me sometimes to a point at which I start to get annoyed because to me, Nisa's just as bad, if not worse. I guess in some ways it is a form of hypocrisy: that Malay simile involving an elephant and a bacteria comes to mind. 

Anyways, it's not just her, mostly also some other people, but I've been scraping up every last bit of dirt on my other friends and complaining about them for far too long, I thought why not give Nisa a hit or two today. The best part, of course, is I don't think Nisa realizes. I attribute that to the fact that I don't think many people think these things through as much. And I am, of course, guilty of only putting myself in my own shoes most of the time but there are times, when drastic measures call, in which I try to view the other side of the argument as well. But no matter. I'm not in the mood to bring up past conflicts. In other news, although related, I'm starting to think more and more that people just take me for granted, which is just sad, because I do wait around for people to come to their senses more often than the opposite, but since it is fasting month and I am so busy with actually studying and all of that, it surprises me how little I give a crap because after semi-depressing days like today, I usually would have been crying in the bathroom by now. 

I wrote quite a lot. You'd be surprised that none of this was planned but then again, none of my blog posts were ever planned. To cap it off, have a Klaine-related joke, courtesy of Nisa and I (and these things don't just come and go every few days, you know!). (Apparently, I was making a weird face at the time, although you could have deduced that for yourself so sorry for assuming people are dumb. That is really my default setting).

Nisa: What's with the face? 
Me: ... What are you talking about? Those were my sexy faces.

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