The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

A Brief Reprieve From The B

The choice has been made already because anything less than that is considered unacceptable; which you would think, logically, is ridiculous, given the fact that we're all humans with our own strengths and weaknesses and not everyone can be good or even remotely competent in 8 subjects. Not everyone can be wholly passionate about 8 subjects, much less those who are taking on the burden of more than that.
So it gets boring around here if I don't write stuff down. Here's what's going on with my life: I've been worrying about a lot of things lately and honest to God, the only thing that's keeping me sane is my Worry Book. I write out my worries and how I can solve them, potential conversations I'm to have and potential problems that could arise from said problematic situations (also includes my To-Do and To-Buy list). Nisa said that the only reason she has a checklist for her homework is because she likes the feeling of accomplishment she gets when she ticks a homework off. It's the same with my Worry Book. Everyday I scratch something off it and it feels gloriously relieving. However I do think there's something a bit pathetic about depending on it too much. Besides which, I have this obsession in which I only write in the book in red gel pen and once I thought I lost my red gel pen and I got a little bit depressed. And angry. But anyways, it's exams week, or, well, not really, it started yesterday, which is Thursday, and it's going to last for a week, so as a matter of fact, I am quite in the middle of exams week. 

I like the brief break I get on Saturday and Sunday. It gives me time to regroup. I have things and issues (serious things and issues) to discuss regarding, well, serious things and issues but I'm not in the mood for that. I am, in fact, in a rather good mood because of two things and maybe even more than that so instead of jinxing it by telling you what those things are, I shall just... 

BM was what I would like to call an accidental trainwreck. It wasn't a traditional trainwreck in which my mind blanked out and I just couldn't concentrate. It was an emotional trainwreck because I felt like every word and sentence that I wrote just wasn't right at all. So that sucks balls. I might have laughed at the end of it all because that is honestly how much I do not give a fuck. I sure hope that doing all these exercises will help in some way for PMR because based on the actual PMR questions, they don't seem as hard as they did on Thursday nor were they as hard as the KL's trial papers so fingers crossed, pray to God, hope for the best?

Anyways, I am sad that it was a trainwreck because I know that, from past experiences and rereadings of my recent essays, I am capable of so much more than what I have produced, and I would just like to que sera sera my way out of this but I still feel guilty for not giving it my all. Or at least that's what it feels like. The thing I'm most worried about is Encik Alias coming up to me and telling me for the second time in a row that I have failed his expectations which sucks so bad because I don't want to care about what he thinks or says regarding my body of work or any of the singular essays I have penned but I know that it would inevitably be soul-crushing to hear that I, once again, failed spectacularly and colorfully in my own native language. 

And Science 1 was okay. Easy enough and there weren't questions that were tricky or mind bending or fucking frustrating but I did mix up my voltage and my resistance for this calculation we had to do. Which sucks. Seriously, it sucks so bad. I circled the correct answer at first but then as I was rechecking, I went and turned the freaking equation upside down so I changed it to an incorrect answer. Which just sucks so bad. I have to learn from this. Do not be overconfident. Always recheck. No use crying over spilled milk and what's done is done. It does not do to dwell on the past and forget to live; all of that, take it into heart, remember it for the actual exams and just breathe calmly. In other words, I'm fucking pissed at myself. 

Today's papers were the ever formidable duo of Arts and PE (which have actually never been on the same day before so they're not really a... duo) and, of course, History. History was shell shockingly bad because after all of that effort, all the hard work and just everything and all the time I devoted to studying the textbooks like holy text, it just sucks so bad to know that none of that actually went in. It was very on-the-surface type of studying, which I think is the number one disadvantage of the current education system (apart from, you know, mass producing an army of dreary drones). I am disheartened by that fact and it makes me not want to bother for PMR but I know that I will bother and besides, now I know my strengths and weaknesses and this can be a learning experience for me, if I let it be. Arts was bullshit and PE was a twenty-question paper with stupid answers and each question costs five marks. 

I will be writing again soon but hopefully not too soon.

No comments:

Post a Comment