The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Two (Loose Ends)

I'm surprised, as much as everyone else is, at how my life has turned out. Imagine a twelve-year-old me, in my blue against blue prefects uniform... trying to imagine her as me is nothing short of impossible. Because... because I just... we're just two completely different people but... we're not. I never would have thought that out of everyone, Nisa would be the one I'm closest to today. I never would have thought that I'd be friends with Hanna. I never would have thought that I would let Leela and Debbie out of my life and I never would have thought I'd let someone like Helena... in. And I never would have thought that, well, back when I was twelve and I knew Maze only like, casually, I never even dreamed we would have become friends. Because at first glance, none of these things really seem like they're gonna work. 

And yet. I'm not belittling 28th of March until 30th of April, not at all. But everything that came after that, was just so, so, so much better in the sense that I didn't feel... so untethered anymore (not a word). And I know I've said things, a lot of things, that I later on came to regret, this year especially, because I wanted something else last year. And at the same time, I didn't want it? See? It was like, like, I just wanted to try, because deep down I really, really wanted and so I thought, what have I got to lose? I was so wrong. I had so much to lose because I took everything for granted and I deeply regret because... everyone got hurt in that experience. I just... but I won't turn back the clock, not now, because right now, I am just so, so grateful. 

I met Leela Azfar (a.k.a. Julie Julia Julez whatever) because she was a friend of my cousin's. We ran in the same circles (not, like, literally) and later on she introduced Hafriz to the group. Hafriz is what one calls an asshole (but I think he's nicer now - I haven't spoken to him in a long time). Hafriz started dating my cousin (and treated her like crap) and that was the magical year in which everyone liked Harry Potter! Like, everyone. Leela and I, though, we were the pioneers. We stood at the driver's seat and, gosh, I still remember it. The movie marathons and the orange juice drinking competitions. We'd read articles and watch YouTube videos into the dead of night and everyone had a special notebook to write their fanfiction ideas on. Some of my cousins, they weren't very good at English, so they penned everything down in BM and then I'd translate and one of my cousins, I can't remember whom, stole my fanfiction book and showed it to her English teacher and we had a fight on that. We would walk around our kampong, fanning each other and talking about Harry Potter and it used to be so infectious, my love for this thing. I used to be so infectious. Hm, I can sit here and ponder all night as to what has changed but nothing's changed, not really...

And that's the best secret of it all. I don't hate the series. I am not unattached to it. I have contained everything so very deeply within me that it's no longer something external. I don't talk about it like I need it to be my life anymore because it already is. Like I said, everything I do, I do because of the series. Because of the lessons and the moral values taught in the books. 

Hafriz broke up with my cousin, messy and bittersweet. He was fun while he was fun. But the thing is... is that he's Maze's brother and I can't ever hate him, not for all of the things he has done to my cousin, not for all of the things he's done to Leela (whom he later on dated) and not for the things... I have a really long list. But I can't, you know, I can't hate him. Without him, where, how, why, when would I have met Maze? 

Leela moved to Singapore. Hafriz moved to Seremban when his parents split up. My cousins and I still talk Harry Potter. They love Dramione, I circuit around about there sometimes and it's not stilted conversations, never, really. They're more into the whole Japanese or Korean fads or whatever so I watch those movies with them to humor them. They're quite interesting, from a cultural aspect. Anyways, so there's that. 

Debbie is Helena's cousin. Debbie used to be my neighbor, now she's moved to Pulau Pinang and I rarely talk to her at all anymore. The thing about Debbie is that she's a year younger, but I always, always feel inadequate when I hang out with her. She's so bright, really, like super bright, not in a Hermione know-it-all way, not even in a Me know-it-all way, more like... effervescence. And, well, it was a turning point, discovering Debbie again through the Internet because then... after that, it just stopped with my cousins. I just stopped talking to them about Harry Potter altogether. I stopped going back to my grandparents' place at first, and that's a huge contributing factor, anyways, but after that it wasn't just my cousins and Leela, it was Leela and Debbie and Maze and later on Helena and it was good. 

I didn't get to focus on them much, though, because of school. And plus I think that was during the height of my Jonas Brothers craze. Don't ask. And after that, after the whole primary to secondary transition, that was when things really started to change. Because then I still talk to Debbie and Leela, like a lot. And there were others, too. Jessica. Brittany. Um... Morgan? Riley! Gosh, I really sound like a douche for not remembering their names right now. Sarah! Oh, God, I can't believe I forgot Sarah! And there were more, of course, and the names just keep popping up and up but I can't list them all down, so they were the ones I had the most memories of. It was... e-mails and instant messaging and PMing and late night Skype discussions. It was... glorious. Those were the glory days, when I would come home from school and I'd go on MSN and we'd talk about how our days went and our worries and our troubles and... God, I miss that. I guess they're all busy now. Jessica should have graduated. Riley, as well. I don't know about the rest. I should check up on them. 

Not many people know what happened with Helena. Suffice it to say it didn't end well. What brought on our reconciliation last year, I can't really tell. It must have been... the ruler. I mean, that's the only possible solution I can think of. The ruler... signified a lot of things. I wish I still kept that ruler. But sadly I lose a lot of things and rulers are definitely topping that list. I don't know why this is the path that I'm currently on, or at the very least, was on, and I don't... think it's entirely coincidental. It's my fault, I know it is. I just... strayed, and I'm not going to ask for a second chance because I know I don't deserve it. Everything I did was crap and everything I said... well, I cringe to remember it today. But c'est la vie, you know. It was how my life decided to turn out and I didn't... exactly anticipate it. I don't even want it. 

But it's like I said, I thought that... I thought that that was it. I thought that that was all there was to... well, loving someone. I thought it started, there was a middle somewhere there and then it ends. Unceremoniously. With no official goodbyes. But... I was wrong. And admitting to that, that made all the difference in the world. 

Because it's just so... overwhelming when I think of how... ungrateful I sound sometimes. I just... I wanted and I didn't know that the big red stop "don't touch this" sign wasn't something I should take lightly. I didn't know. I tread uncharted waters, I tried something new just for kicks and I got kicks. And earlier this year... it was probably regret. It was probably the fact that it could have... but because of circumstances that were not to my favor, it just didn't. And it left. Just like that. And now, right now, there's still this something hanging really thick in the air whenever the subject comes sprawling open and I've never liked that feeling, of being watched, of people anticipating something from you that you know you can't provide. But regardless of that feeling, regardless of everything. 

Like, I said, overwhelming. Because that's what love is. That's what everything good is. It's hard. It's meant to be because... my Dad said that going to heaven, it was like the hardest uphill climb you could ever have dreamed of attempting. But going to hell... going to hell is like a skip down a shallow slope. Easy as hell. The good things, they feel good, and they need sweat, blood and tears as compensation for the feeling for accomplishment. Love needs sweat, blood and tears as compensation for how... great it is. 

The one-sided stuff is fairly simple. Hurts like a son of a bitch, but fairly simple. I don't really care if you don't look my way even once, I don't care if I have to start every single conversation between us. It just doesn't matter that I don't matter to you. Because... I just love you. And it really is as simple as that. And it doesn't matter, at the end of the day, what form that love takes because ain't nothing gonna come of it. I've got my thing, you've got yours. I am just grateful to know that however badly you treat me, I can still turn to you for a hug and you'd still give it. And I don't really care if things are going to be eternally awkward between us. It doesn't matter anymore than it should. Because whatever we say to each other, it always just underline the fact that I love you. And it's not in any way, shape or form wrong. It's not like, I'm not like that. Or at least I'm trying not to be. I don't love you like that anymore than you love... well, you know, like that. It would be nicer if it were mutual. It would be nicer if I didn't have to work so hard at all of this, but alas. 

The mutual part. The mutual part, though. It's never going to be easy, at all, and I am not liking the fact that we go to separate schools one bit. I just... but it's like when everything is wrong with the world, when I feel like... dying, the one awesome, brilliant, mind blowing and excruciatingly fantastic thing is that I know you'll always be there at the end of the day. And it's like... amazing, because before this I was reading about it and now, I go through pages and pages of fanfiction (Motel Story series by rainjoyswriting especially because I just reread it yesterday and was thinking about it and yeah, all of it, minus the sex), and it's like words plucked right out of my mouth and I don't even care, not like I used to care, anyways, about how cheesy everything is, because it's all true at the end of the day, anyways. It just... it's great for now. It's all great for now. 

It just doesn't matter, what they do or say from now on, it doesn't. And that's something I like about love. They act like it's interchangeable. Like it's something you go in and out of but... not really. To me, it's sort of the only thing in my life, asides from Harry Potter, that's been a permanent fixture. Permanent. 

I didn't grow up in The Burrow. It wasn't all love and, well, dishes washing themselves. It was work. It was restraining myself against saying things I shouldn't say. But parents, my mother and my Dad, that's permanent, as permanent as my love for them and as permanent as theirs for me. My sister, who has bought me so many things, merchandise like calendars and pillows and that lovely poster I lost. She paid a hundred dollars (ish) for our Gold Class DH part 1 tickets. And I know I'm relating everything back to Harry Potter but... there's Lily and then there's Petunia and my sister and I are so not that that I'm just... it's great. 

From Hermione, I learned that it's not impossible to beat the odds. She came from a Muggle background and against all odds, topped her class, her class of purebloods and half-bloods who were exposed to magic a decade before she was. It takes brains, sure, but also hard work and the constant need to improve. From Ron, I learned that shadows don't matter. It doesn't matter who other people are. What matters is what you make of yourself. And I also learned that it doesn't matter where you went wrong, or how far you've went wrong, you can always turn back. From Luna, I learned to appreciate the friends that I've got. From Neville, I learned that it doesn't matter what people think of me, it doesn't matter how much I suck today, I can always be better tomorrow. From Ginny, I learned to wait. From Snape, I learned about repentance and mistakes. From Dumbledore, I learned to do whatever it takes. From Voldemort, I learned that it's perfectly fine to be ambitious, but you shouldn't kill people. From the Malfoys, I learned that picking the right side is important, regardless of whether or not you're involved. 

From Harry, I learned so much. It's like time, standing still, when I try to think of what he has provided for me. If I were to write a Dear Mr Potter letter today, right now, it would be blank. What I learned from him is... is mostly about love. And bend, and break, and shatter, but love will always still be there at the end of it all.

No comments:

Post a Comment