The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Trembling

The first half of today was so bad, I don't even want to go into it. And it wasn't like it miraculously got better. I actually had to work to make things better, just like I had to work to make a lot of things in my life great and it's not even that I have the time to reap the rewards. On the bright side, wait, I can't really think of one right now, but it'll come to me. One of these days.

I really miss having the time to Tumblr. Maybe one day I'll understand why I have to do all this. But sadly, that day's not today. What went on today was a boring and uneventful Islamic Studies class in which I cried slash slept, an uneventful PE class in which I spent half an hour learning how to twist a fan, an uneventful and slightly painful recess in which the only people in attendance for the recess dance practice were Cassandra, Hanna and I, a really boring and really uneventful Arts class in which nothing much happened or anything at all, for that matter, an uneventful and relaxing Maths lesson in which we learned something I had learned the day before, and finally, an uneventful KH class in which we just did more accounts thing. 

After school wasn't what I would call uneventful, but I'll forget about it sooner or later and I can't really bring myself to write about it because it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things and when I look back upon my life, this afternoon does not really top the list of things I want to remember. I guess things are coming together as well as they possibly can. We're not bad, not good, not impendingly (not a word) disastrous like Blue House's aerobics but nothing to write home about either, so lying on the thin middle line of "mediocre" at this stage isn't really something I'd like to worry myself over. Although I have taken the courtesy to write this down under my "To Worry" list.

I guess I can chalk the moodiness to fatigue, to my menstrual cycle, and to the straight up fact that, um, well, never mind. It's not helping, any of my friends. They're not helping. I don't like this push pull thing in which I have to instigate everything. That's the problem about always wanting to make the first move, always wanting to go first. People just sort of expect it from you. I mean, I don't get it either. I've dealt with this more times than I can possibly count and I could probably have these same arguments over and over in my sleep, and yet on your side, there still seems to be a problem? I don't really get it. I don't understand and I would love to because it's always, always, forever and always tearing me apart from the inside out to go through the day knowing that you would rather not acknowledge me at all. A smile or a whatever, that's fine, and that would be greatly appreciated. 

I mean, remember when you cared, just maybe a teeny tiny bit, however tiny, during all that drama two weeks ago? You maybe, perhaps, just a little bit, in your own little way cared about me. But now that I'm "all right", now that there's no need to "look after me"... it just feels like you've abandoned me and it's never a good feeling.

It's the "doors" thing, I guess. When one closes, another opens and when the first one opens again, the second one will, in turn, close once more. It's the "you can't always get what you want". 

In other news, I am now in charge of 4SC, which doesn't seem as bad as it could have been. Mostly it's boring because at least in 4SE, I feel like I can listen in on their conversations and it makes sense. Maybe it'll take time. Maybe time is all it takes.

I have been lamenting the fact that I can't find any time to study, which is ludicrous because I could be studying or doing my homework right now, but regardless, I am still going to resent the pile of utter crap the school has piled upon us this month and the last and probably next month as well, because I neither asked for this, nor do I think I particularly deserve it. I feel bad for others, too, and where and when they found the time to study is incomprehensible, completely beyond me, but I will just stay put until a hole in the ozone layer clears up.

No comments:

Post a Comment