The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Thursdays and I

'Tis better to be vile than vile esteemed,
When not to be receives reproach of being,
And the just pleasure lost, which is so deemed
Not by our feeling, but by others' seeing.
For why should others' false adulterate eyes
Give salutation to my sportive blood?

I remember being obsessed with this. I forgot which sonnet it's from. I think it's 121. Quite possibly 126. Or something. Anyways, nothing much going on in my life right now. Everything's a never ending blur of doing things and studying and fanfiction and trying to back up my Wizard rock collection because, huh, looks like when I wiped out all my music, I wiped out all of it. Surprisingly, I can't even find a single song (save from some songs I got off of LimeWire) on my Zen. So I am sad but overall, I really don't care.

I was hoping for something to happen but now I realize that nothing ever will. I am still troubled by a few things and it is ridiculous, downright pathetic, to think that I've been struggling with this for an entire year (since, if we think about it properly, the year is coming to a rather abrupt end) (well, time's moving faster than I would have liked it to) but the evidence is damning. If you told twelve year old me that this is what has become of me, I would have either laughed or been downright ashamed, quite possibly both, but no matter. Can't change much now, can I? Um, actually, I can. But it's more of the fact that I don't really care?

I feel ludicrous, especially in the wake of someone's laughter, and it's me, wanting to turn around and see a ghost but I don't really... think I quite understand what I want in regards to this matter anymore. 

My Dad's been gone for an entire week now and it feels weird. Nisa's been absent from school for two days. There are a few things that I'd like to talk about. Maybe. I'm not sure. There are also a few people who have been annoying me lately but I don't think anything's going to come out of my writing it out. It's been beneficial in the past but for now, I actually have better things to do.

Since I'm too lazy to do it, Google the quote to find out which sonnet it's from.

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