The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

through the mouth of your eye, through the eye of the needle

Second to Heer Raj, to Qian Rui, to Divyia and Aly. Second to Helena's clusterfuck world of teenage superiority and closetcase secrets. Second to Leela's and Debbie's own lives. Second to Kai's everything. Second to Maze's love of music and the world he lives in when he's with nobody but himself and his talent. Second to Nisa's pride. Second to my sister's grown-up, adult adventures. Second to Pri's other friends. Second to everyone. Second to my mother's political schedule. Second to my father's dream of an ideal daughter.

Always second. And you know what? You don't get anything standing secondplace. You don't get the name, the recognition, the glory, the boasting rights. You don't because secondplace is just another word for commonplace. It's good. But it's not good enough

And you don't know what this feels like. Because all my life I've been told how selfish I am, how I only put myself first, first and foremost, before anyone else. Because even though that may be the case, it's changed slightly. Because for you, I'd do it. Anything. In a heartbeat. And that's not reciprocated. To you, I'd give the world. But not. 

So excuse me if I want to feel like I come first once in a while. I don't care what they say. That was power. Knowing that you're first.

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