The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Monday, July 18, 2011

The Last Hurrah

It is amazing, the difference between what you think will happen and what really happens. And it's amazing, that we can never truly say that something happens the way it does until it has happened. 

I talked about love, I guess? A few days ago. And wasn't that just a huge slap to anyone and everyone who actually knows what happened in the last three years? It wasn't the best of journeys, and if I may be so bold as to say, I much prefer my primary school days. It's all a hazy mess now, the memories, I can't string together a timeline worth anything. And I guess there are a few things, a few people, who are worth it. But that still doesn't solve anything, I am nowhere nearer to figuring this out by writing these words down than I was a few seconds ago. I am merely stating, for a fact, that I am completely and utterly clueless. Not left out of the loop, not even intentionally so. It's more like I'm- I'm just dumb right now and it's not a good feeling. 

I wish I'd understand better. I wish I could look at a person and say for sure, "Oh, yeah, right, I love them!" but nothing comes to mind anymore, or ever has really, when I mention that word. I mean, should love not require any sacrifices? Should I not want to be with the person I love each and every single second of the day? It became confusing, especially last week, when I turned around and there everyone was and there you weren't. And I thought to myself, well, shouldn't I be wishing you were here? 

But as much as I wish, I knew that it hardly mattered anymore. Maybe this is the infamous "end". Maybe I am completely over you, as they say, and the feelings will never return. Hilarious, after all this time, that this is the culmination to the story I have built and built inside my own head for ages. Truly a knee-slapper. 

It's when I'm singing, mostly, when the wind would just pick up breeze and it's almost, almost too indistinct, almost too flimsy and transparent to notice properly but I would know it anywhere. It's when I'm alone, usually, when the redolence would just hit on full force and it's like being covered in a shroud, blanketed with flowers and I feel like floating away. Towards you, the you that was never there, not really, in the first place. 

I was touched, unmistakably, when everything that happened happened and I'll still remain untouchable to others who do not possess what you had to make yourself memorable for me. Maybe I'm being stupid, maybe this is all a little too maudlin and maybe I should stop writing. 

Regardless of how Friday went and how today left me feeling bled out high and dry, I still had my last hurrah yesterday. It was bittersweet, to know that all it takes is a little sacrifice now for eternal happiness later. 

The dangerous thing, he said, was that I love myself too much. I would do anything for myself and not much for other people. The pros and cons, they add up to only so much and what made it truly spectacular regarding my personality, or so I've been told, is the fact that I would do whatever it takes to make myself happy, even if it means making others happy, even if it means walking all over them. It doesn't matter in the long run and for now, it certainly has ceased to matter in its entirety. We learn from our idols to build up our characters, we learn from our parents to choose idols with upstanding moral codes. I just make it up as I go along. Right now, at present, I need to do this. For myself, mainly. So I'll make myself scarce and I'll update sporadically. On the off chance I'm having a bad day, posts might double up. It really isn't in my hands. I can only dream and plan. The rest, well, what can I say about the rest?

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