The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

The Insane and The Impossible

It's only nine o'clock? How is this so? It's only three months until PMR? Oh, golly gee whiz, maybe I should crack a book open and study since it's only nine o'clock? While that may be the sane course of action, I'm kind of going a little bit insane right now and I know I should just forget about this for a while, take a break, take a Kit Kat and resume being all fandom crazy after PMR (which is three months away, mind you - I can't even hiatus properly for a week unless it involves me being mind-numbingly busy), but I haven't had free time for myself and since this morning, I was crying because it seemed as if everything that I'm doing nowadays, I'm doing for other people, I'm going to take this hour to just do what I want to do. And what I want to do is talk. 

I've always loved discussions but there are a number of reasons I do not participate quite as actively and vocally in Glee discussions, which is a surprise and may come as a huge shock considering how crazy I can get sometimes over the show but my reasons are as follows: first off, I have done the whole forums thing, I have done the whole simultaneous live blogging thing and let me tell you, forums are a pain in the behind. It's a bunch of people trying to raise your hackles and at the end of the day, if you don't keep your cool, you get banned. So it's really a huge waste of time. I still do the whole forums circuit occasionally because it is far more amusing to be a spectator as opposed to actually participating. I do stalk Glee forums on an irregular basis because that's where most spoilers come from and I just like spoilers. I feed on them. But overall, I am done with forums. They were the bane of my twelve-year-old existence but no more. It's come to a point where I should just stop and I have. I am proud of myself for that. 

Second of all, I stalk certain Tumblrs of Glee fans and the amount of hate that they get on a regular basis, both for liking the show and for supporting the opinions that they have regarding the show, makes me want to throw away my computer and live on a deserted island. I am under no inclinations whatsoever that if I start to talk about Glee on my blog (on Tumblr) that I will suddenly gain this massive following of Followers, but I do know that once the stuff I start writing start to be searchable through the tags, it's all downhill from there. And it's going to be hard for me, who's very fickle minded and also prone to blowing up at things for the slightest of reasons. I'm an irrational person, I'll give everyone who's ever thought it that. Last but not least because I can't think of more at present, but I'm pretty sure there's something still lurking back there, is that I really do like the way I keep my Tumblr, neat and personal and only accessible and understandable to those who I've had at least a civil conversation with, and to ruin that would be an unwise decision on my part. So I won't do that. 

But the more I keep bottled up, the more I have to say. I just keep muttering to myself, stating theories and refuting and supporting other people's ideas, that my head's just sort of used to it now. And I don't like to prattle. I really don't. Prattle, ramble, go on and on about a subject, what have you. It makes me sad to go through the regular blogs I stalk and see them all fighting with each other and getting hate and fighting some more and getting even more hate in the middle of everything that they've got going on in their personal lives. 

It was hard of me to ship HG because while Harmonians may be the ones clearly in the wrong, there's a ton of them. A freaking lot. And HG was such a small, minuscule minority that I've never really justified the reason as to why I like it so much. When it comes to Klaine, I have actual concrete reasons for shipping it. Too bad those reasons diminished practically in its entirety after OS and then I just couldn't bear it any longer post-Prom Queen. But it's okay if they're terrible on the show, it's entirely acceptable, as long as I have the loving arms of fandom to fall back on. Too bad the loving arms of fandom are freaking crazy. They are all crazy. (Well, not all, but majority wins). And I can't step my metaphorical foot into that place without going cray cray or letting loose my metaphorical creys. The only place I feel even remotely justified to enjoy the ship is in the fanfiction communities, and even then, I only keep my eyes open for specific authors. 

So we've established that I can't, for personal reasons, ship Klaine anymore, and I can't ship them in fandom either because I will go crazy and be forced to see a psychiatrist. The same goes for Darren, whom I love, but sadly he has a rather volatile fanbase and even more terrible haters, so trying to like him in the fandom is like trying to like murder (as in, like to kill people, and like seeing people being killed - not having an intense fascination with homicide and crime solving). Through my... well, it's almost a year now so let's just call it that, of being a distant part of this fandom, I've seen both sides, Klainers and Kummers, acting stupid and immature and then someone or certain people, bright paragons of intelligence and voices of freaking reason, saved all of them from actually sinking (or in the case of the Klaine train, hitting a tree or something) (I need to do research on train accidents, I know). So both sides have had their ups and downs and I would love to say that for me, the Glee experience has not narrowed down to two very messy issues, but unfortunately for me, it has. I wish I could care more about Finn and his path to self actualization, or Quinn with her image issues, but whatever I say would just be a waste of breath because I couldn't care less. This puts me in the difficult position in which I absolutely start to hate both sides because on one hand, why do they all have to act so stupid (and the fact that they keep insisting that Sam is gay is starting to get a little bit... well, it's lost its impact, is all I can say), and on the other, Klaine really just doesn't work and without Duets and Rumors (without Sam), Season 2 would have been a complete and utter train wreck (and Criss Colfer is a cutesy bromance, and RPF is RPF but... like, it's getting creepy now and that's coming from me). 

I always get depressed about this because it's unfair. I just want to enjoy something that I enjoy. And everyone is ruining everything for me. Since I can't willingly and in good conscience ship Klaine onscreen, I want to do it on my computer screen. Impossible. I love Darren so I would like to go on Tumblr and search him up and bask in his awesomeness. Impossible. I just like stalking certain Glee blogs for the heck of it and I'd like to do that without my feelings getting hurt. Also impossible. 

So I know this is too long; didn't read. I know nobody reading this cares but I only write because I want to. I only write because I had an extra block of time in which I had absolutely nothing to do except study and I decided to do this. This is all a long time coming and its reached its culmination. I honestly hope none of you read this but if you are and you understand at least one of the fandom references up there (I have also hidden puns and "jokes"!), then watch this! If you haven't already, of course. Doubtful. 

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