The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Monday, July 11, 2011

No Rest For the Wicked

So the weekend. Well, the weekend was great. I guess. I don't know. I'm saving up my energy, my voice, my everything for... nothing. Lately, I've been having a few existential episodes in which I just sit down and cry and wonder about life. It's not bad, I swear, I mean, if I look back upon all the tears shed, I might even laugh a teeny tiny bit. Haha. But really, mostly, I'm just frustrated that I have to get up every morning, do shit, come home, sleep and lather, rinse, repeat. It's maddening. 

I sort of do understand the point to all of this. We face challenges and make mistakes so that we can learn and be better versions of ourselves. Sometimes, you know, I wonder why we do have to learn. Why can't we just be happy instead? I mean, life's only temporary.

But I'm trying not to dwell on things too much, something I've always wanted to do since forever but I haven't quite gotten there yet. I'm no good with distracting myself. The most I can manage is a few minutes on the computer and then my mind will start to wonder and I'll worry again. That's why I've made a "To Worry" list, which I find helps things a bit, because once I write it down, I convince myself to forget about it until I can really do something about it. 

My life is mostly trouble, homework, trouble, work, trouble, prefects installation, trouble, work, homework, fanfiction, trouble, and YE. And that's it. There is no longer proper drama class sessions because it's starting to wane down now that everyone brings books and homework to class. We still have end of the year performance but everyone knows what they're supposed to know anyways. So today what happened was that a lot of people brought revision books and homework and the rest had another Tap Tap tournament. Guess which side I took part of? 

Whatever on school. That place really is more trouble than it's worth. Not for the first time and definitely not for the last time, I wish everyone could just be like me and embrace the rules while simultaneously hating it. At the very least, you don't have to be so darn obvious about rule-breaking all the time. I know as a prefect I should honestly care but the only reason I get riled up about rule-breaking is that it probably just means more work for me. I mean, how freaking hard is it, honestly, to climb up the stairs to the office and grab a permission slip for cameras? With a valid reason, any old teacher would be more than happy to sign it. Idiots.

English was pretty terrible today. I mean, I don't exactly hate teacher because she's neither imposingly scary nor is she all that strict so I can't hate her, come on. But she underlined my "dire" and "procure", as if those words didn't exist in the English dictionary. If I made a mistake in choosing the words, at least suggest an alternative like Pn. Puteri does for the next class. It really is unfair. And also, the age old "advice vs. advise" thing? I'm pretty sure I got it right the first time. And then I started to get really moody and pissy and generally hated the world. 

Not that there has ever been a time in which I particularly loved it, but I make a lot more effort, usually. After school was better because I liked YE. Santra wasn't there (reminder: lay off her for like a week or so) so I picked on Maha a lot. We made more stress balls. If all else fails, I'll just get my Dad to buy it. 

Violet: Is this Santra's work of art? 
Me: That's so mean. [Beat] I just call it a ball of crap.

Sadly time ran out far too quickly so I couldn't go and practice for prefects dance and that's sad because practice for prefects dance is fun. Usually. Anyways, and then I found Pri and Xueh Wei and Pri lost her watch so she was in a horrid mood and I, too, would hate the world (more than usual) if I lost my watch but luckily for me, I didn't lose my watch and I'll shut up now before I actually do lose my watch. And then I went home and then you can refer to the start of this post because I sort of made it into a circular story. 

But the weekend! I went to Johor and my sister suggested we go to Singapore but sadly, procrastinators that we are, I have yet to renew my passport so whatever. I got nice stuff, anyways, clothes and shoes and stuff because apparently people just buy stuff for me whenever I want them when we get out of the city. It was a weekend full of pregnancy jokes, seafood, pineapples, mall trips, political discussions and less ghost jokes than I am comfortable with, but overall, it was nice. 

And I learned an important lesson: if you're not brave, you'll never have any fun. Which is a very nice lesson, almost as nice as "always ask yourself: what can I do now", which I sort of coined, and in the future when they interview me, that will be my answer to the question, "So any advice you would like to give to those seeking to achieve greatness and success in the world?" 

So I'm sort of swamped and I've been telling myself that I should take everything coming my way as a challenge, as something I can learn from, and hell, if it ain't easier said than done. But I'm trying. And that's all I can possibly do right now. What a busy week this is going to be. I'll probably die. 

Okay, that's it.

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