The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

I Don't Know Why I'm Frightened

Today was one of those rare days in which nothing much happened and it wasn't good, but the imprint of it in my memory is good enough. I didn't leave anything at home, I was wearing my nametag and logo badge, morning duty was kind of stilted but I'll get over it and the subjects following - History and BM - weren't all that bad. In fact, it wasn't bad at all. There were only a couple of moments, fleeting maybe, but it felt like an eternity at the time. Science and Maths weren't my favourites. In fact, those two hours sucked immensely, only to be followed by Chinese, which wasn't all that bad but it wasn't great either because I thought it was Group A's turn this week, but nope. Last subject of Islamic Studies passed by in a blur of conversation and then there was practice after school again and that was fun. I'm going to be sad to give up my fan at the end of all of this. I have become exceptionally good at pretending to be a good Chinese dancer.
Two things that bothered me slightly today were the usual: ignorance, condescension, pretentiousness, and just this huge cloud of doom that's been following me around for a long, long time. I'd like to say that I'm not bothered, that it all just rolls right off my back, but I'm actually very frustrated at this stupid turn of events. I don't... actually think this is how I'm supposed to feel around people who are my so-called "best friends" but then again, it's been a while since I brought the topic up. After, you know, The Stupidest Fortnight of My Life.

It's all just so... overwhelming. I mean, in a good way, I think. Because I know so many things are going to happen in the future, but for now, this is what's happening now. The tickets are purchased, the preparations are made, I'm going to wash my blazer before sewing the badge on, I'm getting new shoes, we're almost done with the stress balls, trials are looming right on the horizon, and in the midst of all of this, everything, I still have to deal with petty, trivial, everyday fandom related things.

"I don't like people, you know that. I like talent." 

And it hurts in the best, in the worst, way possible because I can't really... well, fuck, I can't articulate how I'm feeling right now. I can go through all my old notebooks and I'll find doodles and random lines of fanfiction I'm working on. I even had a book devoted entirely to my fanfiction time line. There's scratches and doodles on tables, on chairs, on walls. As I'm typing this, the Deathly Hallows sign was inked on the surface next to the keyboard. It's everywhere, actually. I just can't help but... but what would my be, really, if for some reason or another, things didn't go the way they had gone? Where would I be right now? Who would I be?

It's so scary because it's not that impossible that I might have ended up going to boarding school with Farhana. It's so freaking scary. I just... I've been through this, I know, but still. There would be no Maze, for one thing. I wouldn't have been a part of the lovely group of friends I have today. No Leela, no Debbie, no Hel, no Syaz, nobody. Because of the fact that I wouldn't have ventured over to LiveJournal as often as I did for Harry Potter purposes or maybe even never ever, no Glee. No Harry Potter Musical, no Darren. And that's astounding because I look in front of me today at my Warblers CD and sure, Darren might still have been signed on for Glee but he wouldn't have had his AVPM fans. I wouldn't have been a part of that. And this is all just so, so stupid to feel this way because...

I'm kind of angry actually, because Nadiah and Zaza asked me whether I would rather let go of Harry Potter or Chris Colfer and they both assumed it would be the former. And you just don't get that for me, for me and not in general, without Harry Potter, there would have been no Chris Colfer. I don't forget my roots and I won't, not now, not after everything, and I just can't.

Because I can pretend like it's all linear from here but we've come so far. I've come so far. And I've had the most honorable pleasure of watching others go far and I wish there were words, I wish I could write or at least form some sort of comprehensible sentence that would express the magnitude of my gratefulness at the moment but...

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