The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Five

I can't really believe it. But at the same time, it doesn't feel like a part of me's going to just suddenly go missing, out of the blue. It's because I've lived with this for so long, so long that it's already become a part of me, that I can just imagine doing this for the rest of my life. I am sorry, for whatever it's worth, for belittling anyone else's experiences, because I am not the pioneer of everything right in the fandom, nor am I a BNF. I claim no rights whatsoever to anything remarkable that happened in the fandom, in fact, I barely contributed. But it was more of the fact that I was there. More of the fact that I lived through it and breathed it and went through it everyday that it became routine, just part of my day to day life.

I wish... I sort of wish I could go back and know the people that I know today, introduce them to the funner side of fandom. Not just Tumblr, because that shit is off the wall crazy, but more than that. Everything else. From the forums to the crazy good YouTube fanvids to the LiveJournal communities. Just everything. So that I'll never feel like punching anyone in the face when they talk about Harry Potter. It's not that I think I'm the only one that's entitled. It's the fact that there's me, who's been living this for around half of my life and I'm fine with "the end", while there's everyone else, who has just started to really get it, and they jump around all over the damn place like it matters to them more than air. 

This matters to me. Less than air. But probably more than everything else.

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