The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Eyes Closed

I had such plans. Such grand, grand plans all involving being this and doing that and the end result, while it's not truly the end yet is unsatisfying, but surprising in a way that's not entirely unpleasant. I mean, I've seen success, of course, and it's such narrow-minded success that I don't think I'll ever be able to replicate or duplicate. The success they've achieved might not be entirely academic, but it's a success nonetheless, and to get there, to get to that high, they had to focus their minds on just the one thing and the results are spectacular, breathlessly spectacular. And I'm being pulled apart by so many things, I'm stretched thin and it's never okay to make excuses, never all right to blame anything or anyone for your losses and for this case I won't pretend that I am guiltless. I will say this, though: c'est la vie. 

We all share the success that we've achieved and that's why it's not just one lone person standing at the top. That's why everyone's got their ups and downs, their strengths and weaknesses, and in a sense, it's comforting, to know that not everyone's perfect and not everyone can achieve super mega success. On the other hand, it's a little disconcerting, a little disheartening, and definitely a lot maddening, because we do and we give and we occasionally take and all it amounts to is shared success. 

So Saturday was that stupid run thing, which let me just repeat: stupid. They hung a huge ass banner, which must have cost some and why couldn't they use the money for that banner (and all the ones hung around other schools) and put it to better use? It's ridiculous, and the press coverage, too, is ridiculous, so let me just say: stupid. Both my parents weren't keen on coming (a.k.a. my mother laughed and my Dad was too tired to go - if it were really important, though, he would have forsaken his fatigue, but as it was: stupid) but the same can't be said for other people's parents. And what a spirited lot they were! And then we had a speech, of which I feel it would be rude to critic, because the guy is an expert, after all. Although he's more inclined towards astronomy and I had no clue what he was doing talking about sports, it was a valiant effort, nonetheless. The prefects board is sadly going on a downwards spiral. I am just waiting for everyone else to realize that. Actually, the entire student body's going on that spiral as well. I am just glad I'll be hopping off before it gets too ludicrous. 

That night was that Girl Guides thing, which was fun enough while it lasted but it apparently wasn't that big of a thing since I can't remember much of it right now. It was equal parts boring and kind of nice and, also, horrifying, but other than that, the only thing that stood out was the very fun game of Happy Family and the  part where they cut off mid-shuffle while we were all dancing. The next morning was off with Xueh Wei and Sabrina and Pri and Nadhrah and, well, me, and that was really the beginning of my "mood". My Dad chastised me for going when I should have just stayed at home if I was as tired as I had claimed to be. I am, in fact, still tired. 

Never let it be said that I never gave people the benefit of the doubt. I always called people dumbasses but at the heart of it, I gave credit where it is due. While I am single minded and only prone to being great at individual things, other people have their own varying shades of strengths and weaknesses, none of which I have ever felt comfortable to touch, but today during Assembly, I have come to the fair conclusion that I was right: everyone is practically dumb. 

I am on my period so this really explains my irritability at everything and anything but no one should really pinpoint it at that, no, absolutely not. Because I've been through worse while having my period and this definitely does not constitute as the worst. So, first off, all you need to do when you enter the Gallery is find a place to sit down. I get that you would like to talk to your friends, but you can do that while sitting down. Prefects are going to be shushing you, sure, but you don't really listen to them, so just sit your ass down, ignore the prefects and continue on with your very, very important life. Animals are trained to do this. One would think that a human being was taught by their parents the basic mechanics of sitting the heck down. Second, you can't sing? Neither can I. You can't follow a melody? That's really not that huge of a problem. You can't hear the piano? Then follow those who can. It is a pure and utter embarrassment in the mornings when we start to sing the four songs. Imagine if someone just randomly happened to walk by. Someone who's not a member of the faculty, like a visitor or something. You might not care, same can be said for more than half the student body, but you know what? Over at the whatever ministry, they care. And they talk. And if you want to be known as a person who goes to that crappy tone deaf school Sri Aman, PJ, then by all freaking means. 

Because what people don't understand, and what I was talking about earlier on in the post, is that yes, you are living your life. I am living mine and most of the time - no, actually, it's almost close to all of the time, I'm doing something for other people. Not myself, other people. And I absolutely hate that. I don't find it fair, nor do I enjoy it at all. I would rather die sometimes. And all things considered, Malaysia still sucks. But unlike most of you, I won't leave this place unless I know it's in good hands. I don't want to migrate somewhere and have people ask me where I'm from and I'll answer "Malaysia" and then they will go, "Oh, you mean that country that's on the cusp of political and economical ruins?" 

Nope. It's bad enough that most of my friends are either condescending or patronizing or both, without the true understanding of what both words really mean, I will not shove off to another country in which I will be nothing but a permanent tourist with the knowledge that I left a Godforsaken terrible homeland behind. And after all of this, I can still say, that it doesn't come down to patriotism, it comes down to me not wanting to make a fool out of myself and I just don't understand why this concept is too hard to grasp. Because every time you break the school rules, every time you don't kancing or roll down your sleeves around visitors, every single time, it reflects badly upon our school, and while you may not care, and while many might never care, I for one, do, because I want a clean streak, I want a good reputation and to have come from a terrible school, a school that was bestowed the title of High Performance school only to have it taken back because the school and its students weren't performing? That's not a good reputation. 

I am tired of classes in which not only do the teachers suck, they have made it nearly impossible for me to like any of them anymore. I am tired of the unfairness of the prefects board in which I never get a rest, ever, even though I sucked it up and complained last time around, and here everyone goes, complaining about the fact that they've never had a rest. Hello, how about me, who's never had a free morning since more than a year ago? I am tired of homework and books going missing and the fact that there is a hundred percent zero time for studying. I am tired of all those extra curricular activities which are supposed to miraculously mean something during college and work and then I'll retire and die and, sure, fucking sure, it'll miraculously mean something then as well. I'm tired of the kind of people who looked offended on Saturday when that Astronomy dude told us that we didn't read enough. Shut the fuck up. Don't look so offended and taken aback. Most of you don't know much about anything outside of the textbooks so don't look so surprised. I am tired of being irritated and self-absorbed and worried about other people like I don't even have time to worry for myself because I really don't

My Dad told me once that like it or not, I just have to close my eyes and do it. I'm crying right now and I've been crying for quite a while and there's so much homework left undone and my stress balls as well and I have to find my Komsas book which I've misplaced and somehow in the middle of all of this, I have to remember to do everything that needs to be done by tomorrow, enjoy my life and get some sleep. Closing my eyes and just doing it all. 

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