The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

2508 (Passive Agression)

~ The Book of Disquiet, Fernando Pessoa

A compilation to quiet the unease. You are allowed to ignore this completely.

Last, I don't care if you say you're not ignoring me, you ended up ignoring me anyways. All this year, all fucking year, I have done nothing wrong towards you. I don't even give the cold shoulder as often as I did last year. If this is punishment for whatever crap you think I did to you last year, then bring it. But you don't strike me as a punishing person. I don't know what your problem is. Like I said, I have done nothing. So, you know, stop making me feel like crap all the time.

I find that hilarious, actually, but I'm grasping at straws here. You can see how much I'm just desperate for any explanation at all as to why when pitted against each other, we're prone to become so volatile in the other's presence that it makes me... hate you. Even though I don't want to. Even though I never want to. In a million years, no.

Like, for instance, yes, love, you might be slightly correct in your... accusation. An accusation I had denied at the time of my hearing it. I honestly had no idea but, yeah, rereading some of my old things and thinking through some of the things that's been going through my mind lately, I guess I would concede to that point. You are correct and I was marginally less so. But, really, I think that love, in all its incarnations, shouldn’t really have this boundary that you put on it. You, you and all of them, treat this matter so cavalierly that you don’t think about the consequences. I know she does, she’s told me as much, but you’ve never said anything of the sort.

I want to say that I know the reasons behind why I feel so hurt all the time. It’s not like Nisa doesn’t say mean things to me everyday but it’s different, coming from you and simply everything’s different and it all goes back to last year when I just, I just expected you to say yes, you know, when she asked. That was honestly all I expected you to say. Because everything I say is bullshit but you aren’t like me. So while I kept whispering to myself, silent, ‘yes, yes, yes’, I can’t help but wonder: what did you say to yourself? It doesn’t seem like a yes now, not quite. Not when you always abandon me and when you wouldn’t even look at me somedays and when your replies to every question I ask is curt and stinging and you relegate me to the back burner and everything I am to you is just as inconsequential as… as Transformers is to me.

What is your problem what is your problem what is your problem?

I don't really care if you don't look my way even once, I don't care if I have to start every single conversation between us. It just doesn't matter that I don't matter to you. Because... I just love you. And it really is as simple as that. And it doesn't matter, at the end of the day, what form that love takes because ain't nothing gonna come of it. I've got my thing, you've got yours. I am just grateful to know that however badly you treat me, I can still turn to you for a hug and you'd still give it. And I don't really care if things are going to be eternally awkward between us. It doesn't matter anymore than it should. Because whatever we say to each other, it always just underline the fact that I love you. And it's not in any way, shape or form wrong. It's not like, I'm not like that. Or at least I'm trying not to be.

I really should start expecting less out of people. I shall start as soon as possible. And I even got some practice in today. No expectations, no disappointments. People are unpredictable. Everything else isn't, though, so I'll just stick to what I know, thanks.

And I give you crap everyday and I put you through so much more than what I put others through. They don't get it as bad as you do. They don't get the tests and the silent treatments and the questions and the expectations and the incessant mocking and the everything else. Because I honestly do love you that much that I just really, really want to know that you'll be there for me when I need it.

This is your last chance, I swear. You weren't there last year. Prove me wrong. Please.

But that was power. The feeling of sharing something with someone that you know no one else can ever have. The feeling of exclusivity, of saying "no, we don't want you to join us". Power only exists in a space wherein everyone involved in the near vicinity can say for certain that they care. And that's why there's no such thing as a high school power struggle, not at my school anyways: a conflict of interests. But that feeling that I had last year...

And I know I keep giving up on this and starting again and really, it won't surprise me at all if I come begging on my knees some other day but for now, once again, I'd like to say I'm done. If ever I hope to go back to being that person, I want myself to read this post again and again and realize that it's not worth it. True, I'm not going to hell for anyone, but what does it even matter, what kind of sacrifice is it even, if she won't even talk to me? Build bridges, they say, and don't burn them. Be nice to people, they say, and be honest as well. Well, I've made all the effort. I've done what I should do in this friendship. You just fucking haven't.

And I'm always going to want to be this person, who's so desperate for someone to say "hey, you know what? Out of everyone else, I choose you", who's always so keen to appear eager just because for once, I'd like to come first. Because I put you first. I always have and I don't know why people doubt that and I don't know why just because I have the audacity to be this cold and emotionally distant that I don't have the capacity to put anyone above my own selfish self.

And you know with D, it's like I'd never trade any of that for anything because it's like water through fingers, it's gone and it's long gone and I'm fine as fine as I possibly could be. But with you? I just get angry because we've been through this, dozens of times, and I'm wondering what more do you want me to say? It's not about space because it's never been about space. It's about... it's just a game.

If you want to tell me something, just do it,
otherwise I'm not even going to bother to take your feelings into

Like I have no idea what you see when you see me but I've always told myself that I didn't care about that. That I don't care if I come off as brash or abrasive or someone who is literally literal and really mean. That I don't care if you see me walking around by myself or being the only lonely person in a crowded room. Because you know what? It doesn't matter if I put my heart and soul into a friendship or a relationship or whatever, it doesn't, because nobody really cares. Because I'm not all that worth it, apparently. Because I refuse to change and for that, I'm rewarded with negative five friends. It doesn't matter if I say, "I'll always be there for you" because people just assume that I'm lying, right? Right off the bat, that girl can't be trusted. And I'm just like shut the fuck up. You're the one who's hurt me more times than I've you and, yeah, so I say things sometimes that might make you a little upset and I get that in the grand scheme of things, I probably do deserve everything that comes my way but actions really do speak louder than words. I've hurt people because of the things I say. Do you know how easy it is to just say things that you don't mean? People have hurt me, you have hurt me, because of the things that you do. It's like gosh, get it into your thick head that I'd go to ends of the Earth for you. I would sing that stupid Bruno Mars song about catching grenades for you. And I have no idea why you keep pushing me away. And I know that partly it's my fault as well but I can't help it. You're just not willing to understand. I've always been the person to initiate everything. I've always told you whenever you were annoying me and like a fool, I just always expected you to understand where I'm coming from but you never have.

And she said don't. She said I'll regret it. But I don't know what I regret anymore. I mean, right now? I regret a lot of things. But this is a bit of a gray area for me because to be honest, I know I'm being petty and unfair and I'm just trying to stir shit up but it doesn't matter anymore because she's not here to tell me to stop, to tell me that I'll regret doing the things that I'm doing. I don't exactly regret the way I acted towards you last year, because it was childish and it was stupid but at the same time, it's like this: you've got to realize how insensitive you can be sometimes and coming from me, I know this probably means nothing but all the same. All the same, you make me feel like crap and after all of that, you still expect me to help you out? I know that I'm not all that nice to you all the time but I treat everyone the same. Well, except for her. I know she said that I treat her differently and it's true, I do. And I have no idea why that's so. Probably because I've always looked up to her as someone I could never be and that's just that. I mean, we can completely ignore it now because it's no longer relevant but still. I'm saying this because I don't want you to think that I'm being unfair. I have reasons for doing the things that I do. I don't just go around denying people things they have a right to. You don't have a right to this.

Oh, you know what I find utterly hilarious? The fact that sometimes all I can remember is how close we were and yet other times (like today) all I could think of is, "Wait. We're actually friends?" because it's easy to forget, for like half a dozen seconds, that despite not being depressingly attached at the hips, we still talk and hang out (ish). It's just that I forget that sometimes.

I have a problem because whenever I look at someone or a certain situation, I can't help but compare it to the past when it was simply better. I know I can't be the only person who does this but I take things to extremes. I just don't let go. Ever.

Like how I look at certain people, and I do have one specifically in mind, and I think of a time when everything was so simple and, yes, I know that behind the simplicity there was something else; well, all of this mess, I suppose, just waiting for dormancy but I could forgive and forget then, I could live and let live and let it all slide then, but I can't now. I want that again. I want that again so badly that sometimes, I'm willing to let go of all the hurt and anger and just be downright sickeningly and nauseatingly sweet. I look at you and I want that again so badly that it just hurts sometimes. I hope you know that and it doesn't even have to be reciprocated because, do I look like I care? Those were the best and worst few months of my life because it was the first time I depended on someone and while that turned out so, so badly, it was still something that to this day, to this hour, to this very second and probably for all the minutes stretched out in front of me, I won't ever let go.

Like how I know that it used to be so much better. I'm not saying that I don't enjoy life as it is right now because all things considered, after the big fallout and the subsequent reconciliation last year, it wasn't really all that tough to readjust. We readjusted just fine and on so many levels, I can safely say with the utmost certainty that we're better for having gone through that. I just can't help but be irrational sometimes. I don't really know what it is with me. When I have a good balance in my life, I yearn for a time when I was desperate and needy.

Would I like to relive last year? The earlier parts, anyways? I don't know. Collectively it was beautiful, but otherwise, everything just hurts a lot. It still hurts. The difference now is that I would rather feel that kind of hurt, wherein there was passion and feelings and a general frenzy to be something, do something and push people, than feel this kind of hurt, which is just kind of empty.

Here's something I'm going to have to get used to: it's never ever going to be the same again. Since we're all good at pretending here at Sri Aman, it's okay, even for maybe a moment or two, for it to feel like old times again but the reality hits hard if it hits at all: that there's no going back, that there's no turning back time, that there's nothing even closely resembling that. It's new, it all always is. Fixed, mended, broken, torn to pieces and burnt, it's still relatively new. Clean slates. That's what New Years were made for.

Funny, this post was supposed to be quite happy go lucky. But, anyways, I'm not going to give my acceptance speech now, way before Birthday Weekend. I guess I'll just wait and hold on first because this year, no impressions will be made upon speculations and assumptions.

What did I learn today? I learned that if you want to be happy, you can't just sit on your ass and expect things and people to come to you. Regardless of guilty parties, you still have to make the effort.

I knew it was going to be a bad day if she came. Sitting in the PR, post-vomiting - I still had two bundle of coupons left. Lying down on the floor of the classroom. Maths class. Block A. Spending my entire recess in the PR. Post-choral speaking practice. Post-choral speaking practice for prefects. Burning.

I'm going to miss spelling your name with two i's, having hundreds upon thousands of inside jokes, taking the long way home everyday, all of it. I can pretend that it's going to be the same and you can do that, too, but at the end of the day, what we had, we lost it. Sad, but true. So next year? What was I expecting? Atonement for my actions? Certainly not (considering the fact that I didn't do anything). I actually expected a second chance. But this isn't some Taylor Swift music video (which, by the way, I couldn't think of anything better but just putting it out there: Taylor sings about all the romance stuff and that's not what I'm getting at here). There's nothing that can ever resolve the situation (except for maybe a time machine). It's all so much in the past, it's not even funny.

Oh, God, July. Looking back at July, I sometimes think, "Where did I go wrong?" 30 posts for July. That means I only skipped out on blogging for a day. Everything, from beginning to end was a disaster. The only relationship/friendship still intact by the end of the month was probably mine and Hanna's, which is saying a lot, if you asked me. Imagine possibly the stupidest game you could ever think to take part in. Times that by infinity. I just. Rereading all of these? It hurts. It seriously hurts. I was sad then, of course, depressed even, crying all the fucking time, but it's not until just now when I reread everything that I realize just how much damage was caused. Great Evolution was over. At that point, I just needed someone to lean on. After Hari K, it was the start of the Great Revolution. Prefects Party solidified what I already had an inkling of: it's all going down in the trash.

On the bright side, God has decided He's not through with us yet because I did get the second chance I was praying for. Thankful and grateful, of course, and I guess we'll never know whether or not I would be as sad if the situation was reversed (probably not).

Here's to next year. May it be better.

Pretend, pretend, we can pretend all we want but at the end of the day, that doesn't change the fact that I feel this way. I can ignore it but even I know it's going to come back, this feeling. It won't stay away forever. I really have no choice. I have no control over other people. This is the reality of things: I have no right, absolutely no right at all, to decide what other people can or cannot do - to decide what they can or cannot feel. I can't help it if she decides I'm not worth it. If she decides our friendship is not worth fighting for. It's about me giving you a challenge I knew you couldn't keep up with. My game, I started it, not yours. So what? We're all just going to burn.

Not talking to you is living in misery.

We're supposed to be friends.
All of us. We're supposed to have each other's backs.
And yet instead of explaining yourself like a normal human being
you spun a story that barely made sense.
And instead of taking the high road and forgive and forget
you played along because, as usual, it's all just my fault.
It's all just a figment of my imagination because I'm the drama queen here.

Slight problem. I did something. Or rather, I didn't do something. And now I could either stay up past midnight doing that something that I didn't do or stick to my original plan which was not doing that something in the first place. So what should I do?

I know what people ask. I know what people say. And I honestly can't answer because the difference between our points of views are jarring as jarring as can be. A big, huge, chasm - that's how far apart it is. And yet... and yet they say... and we can't seem to agree on something because no one wants to say anything and I know I'm not willing to and you're not willing to and we're just going to have to agree to disagree in the end and both of us will fucking get hurt, oh my God, because you... you're not infallible either.

And she said that she didn't want me to change regardless.

I remember during the March tests when things were... subtle and not at all fragile. Everything was normal because we were normal. Everyone had their own things to worry about and when it came to it, those things didn't matter. They didn't get in the way. Things took a drastic change for the worst when midyear exams came up. I could just remember the horrible atmosphere. That feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. And that one conversation that still stays with me until today. Now it's time for August tests. It was three and then two and now I'm going to be utterly miserable. Or not. I'm not making sense. I know what I'm talking about but saying too much will just give it all away.

Violet came and told me she wanted to show me something. So I was stuffing everything in my mouth while Violet dragged me off and she was asking all these weird questions like, "Do you miss Pri?" and I was very confused for a moment.

I don't know what to make of you anymore. Do you honestly think I'm not listening? I'm sorry but you have me mistaken for that Godforsaken stick of a friend of yours. I do listen. I pay attention, probably more than anyone else you know. When I'm talking to you at the front of the class, I can hear everyone at the back and what they're talking about, I can see out of the corner of my eye what Qian Rui's doing, I can see the door clearly and I listen for the sound of approaching footsteps in case the teacher enters class. I take it all in. I listen, I catalogue, I put it into perspective and you may think you make sense but you don't.

So be honest with me here because you have no idea the risk I'm taking just putting one toe into the water. It's the biggest step I've taken since joining in Afreena's circus group. Don't make things complicated. Either tell me what's up or learn to be a better liar.

9.50 a.m. - 10 p.m.

I just... I just want to know that she's going to be there for me throughout all of this.

I wasn't fully aware of the situation as such when I first encountered the problem. I've always thought that we were different enough but then I realized that friendship doesn't really depend on your likes and dislikes (while its base point might have a lot to do with it, it is not a complete essential and definitely not the shining quality we're always searching for). It's more about personality compatibility. And what happens when your weaknesses and your strengths clash together?

Obviously I never was and never will be that good at saying goodbye. One thing I don't get though is this: I told you. Which is weird. I've never really been that verbal with my feelings, I usually talk about my problems with someone to someone else but this is... this is way out of my limits here. I don't really understand the psychology - the motivation, behind what I'm doing. And yet... well, I'm unsure whether it's the matter of an ungrasped concept or a simple miscommunication on both of our parts but it ended up in complete and utter disaster. Much like that time I told Lana about my... well.

I would love to blame it all on Hari K. I would. There's nothing I would rather do. But I can't. It would be lying, more to myself than to anyone, to blame that stupid day. It's a base, a start, all right, but we all knew it was coming. We all saw it coming. And we did nothing, absolutely nothing to stop it.

It was obviously something that wasn't made to last. I mean, I accidentally forgot. It was the sugar-coating of things, I think, that did me in. I should be more careful. Today at school, it hit me. It was like this voice inside me going, "You see? You see what happens when you start to believe the best in people?"

Oh, but she was so nice!

Sometimes I think I spend way too much time with that girl. It's getting positively nauseating. Although I mean it as no offense.

I was writing this for someone else at the time (coincidentally, now the tables have turned. Would ironies never cease?) but it still applies. I do try. If you all (I know I don't generally use "you all" or God forbid "y'all" but whatever) can't see that, that's not my problem. I am a nice person and I stand by that everyday. I make jokes and offhand comments that may sometimes sound like the meanest piece of shit that can ever be spouted out of the mouth of the nastiest bitch around, but I always add "I'm kidding" at the end. If I don't, that means I trust you enough to know that I was kidding. I'm not mean. I'm not. I try to be the best person I can be. You, on the other hand, don't. Do you ever think about anyone but yourself?

And now for things from my private blog.

I don't talk to her anymore. Even saying her name on the tip of my tongue sounds weird. I can't change what we used to have and I can't erase that. Maybe that was what that feeling was, though, the one where I keep mentioning something big's coming. I think this was it. Whatever it was we shared wasn't meant to last. It was temporary. And it sickens me that I never realized that. I don't know, though. If we do decide to want to be friends again... it's in my hands as much as it is in hers. I'm playing this game. She is too. And I hate her for that.

You've got to be fucking kidding me. All right, here's the thing: if I wanted drama, I'll go back in my time machine to 2009 and have a freaking drama partay. But right now, I can't handle it and I won't tolerate it.

And then I was like sitting on the floor when it was time to go home right next to your bag and yet you still didn't say anything to me. And when we were walking back only THEN did you say something and the way you said it really pissed me off. "So are you going to tell me what's happening or...?" Am I supposed to just tell you everything? Do you think you're that fucking entitled to know everything that's going on with me? You know how I like lying? Well, here's the thing, I don't actually lie all that much. I lie about small things but mostly if someone asks me "what's wrong?" I'll answer honestly. You could have asked that the thousands of times i was crying in class but were you actually fucking waiting for me to come crawling to you to tell you what happened?

so to end this thing, i'd just like to say that i love you, you're a really wonderful person when you're not trying to give people space, you're awesome, fantastic, fabulous, gorgeous, lovely, stupid, fucking retarded, your British accent sucks, you can't draw anything at all, you are kind of judgmental sometimes, you're really egotistical when it comes to things you're sure you're good at and you are a freaking idiot. love you.

I can't. But I always do. So it's like, fine, you know, in every single situation I'll always be the one who cares more, I'll always be the one to make all the effort, and I'll always be the one willing to die for other people. Fine. It's fine. I'm fine.

You're wrong, you know. On so many levels. We haven't grown closer, we haven't learned more from each other and I can't. I don't really want to do this even though every time I quit, I just go after it again. Because it was so good. Even the bad parts. And it's not, it's not Darwin-good, which made me feel like I was so invisible all the time and so invincible at the same time. Like my being invisible made me all that much stronger. Like I was the wind or something. And it's not Maze-good, like being blanketed by a warm quilt under a sky of stars. Not good-good, like feeling superiority flowing from the tips of my toes to the roots of my hair. It was a you-good, a good that made me feel good about myself, instead of about my surroundings or the position I'm in. And it was good I haven't been able to get back since Hari K. Or maybe since that thing with the text thing.


They all bow down to her, you know. It's like we're the only ones who could fight back.

I'm scared. Because if this is the kind of thing you're willing to say about her behind her back, I can't imagine what you'd say about me.

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