The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Your New Best Friend

You know what, Nadiah, I'm sorry for this but you have got to learn. You can't just bow out because even though it doesn't concern you, you're involved as well. Mostly, because, ho hum, hum drum, you started it. And remember that day when I said that I told you you passed on the first try? I've been doing some thinking (y'all should try that) and I've come to the conclusion that you didn't pass as spectacularly as I thought you were. You need this. I don't care whether you want it or not, I told you, I'm going to push. You cracked that day, you got angry. Do you know what anger is? Anger is letting someone else manipulate your thoughts, your feelings and your emotions. It's like being possessed, only in a roundabout way. It was just so little. Such a little thing. Most of my friends have had it worse. I'm sorry, I really am, but words don't mean anything. Not when it's said out loud. If that little bit got you angry, then you're going to have a ball roughing it up out there in the real world. 

I'm sorry I like to do this to people. I'm sorry I push. Some people just handle it better than others. Those are the people who's getting it right. I remember when I was in primary and I had a fight with my table mate because I said something incredibly offensive and he shouted at me and it was just a lot of shouting. And then the next morning, someone had scribbled a 'sorry' onto my table that wasn't there before. 

Um, hello. You guys are acting worse than a primary school boy? 

Anyways, today was all right but tiring. I don't really feel like going into it. We had whatever ball for PE and I fell down and scraped my knee. Didn't realize until I got home, though. I'm fasting, so all the heat and the exercise is really testing me and I feel like fainting and all, but so far nothing unwarranted has happened. I don't even feel particularly hungry. I just feel... like I want food. 

I'm done. I'm done with thinking all of this through. And by that, I mean, it's not like I'm done thinking, because I would still very much like to continue doing that. I just meant that I've done thinking this whole thing over and after opinionated opinions from Pri, Kai and Divyia, I've made my decision. What Sabrina said really got to me, though, because I know it's a hundred percent true but I'm just... I feel like I'm ready. I like drama as much as the next person but I can only handle so much on my plate. I come home and fall face flat into the mattress now, I don't think I need anything else to distract me from memories of the past. Fatigue is quite enough. This is quite enough. 

Like I said, not the healthiest way to live but at least I'm living.  

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