The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Friday, June 17, 2011

The Surprising Turn of Events

Too busy to even worry about life anymore. I can't help it, really, I can't. I'm a dramatic and paranoid person by nature, and there are bright rays of sunshiney days (like today) in which I kind of expect the best in people. You know, give them the benefit of the doubt. Or something like that. But I don't do that often. So it's not technically my fault that I am so frazzled lately. It's been a tough week. Like, the longest. 

But it was starting to get boring anyways. I mean, compared to Form 1, when we had to deal with that whole Afreena thing, and later on Form 2, which was just some sort of sick and twisted roller coaster ride, these past six months have been easy. The only thing tormenting me were the memories. I mean, if they're going to make a musical or a TV show about my life one day, might as well make the best of it, right? Right times infinity. Anyways, so since things are moving at the speed of sound right now and it's about to go so much faster than that, I'll just list off some important things to do this weekend. 

Schoolwork: BM Komsas and English NiE. 
Prefects stuff: I guess ask my parents about sponsorship and my mother about those table cloth things, the thing that I have to make three copies of, that Open Day report. I think that's it? 

I am surprised. I thought there was going to a be lot more. But technically, that's a whole lot on my plate already so I guess I should just get slogging. 

Today was kind of meh for me because I think I'm still having the Expectations vs. Reality problem and I am just tired of having to confront everyone about everything. Hey, all of you guys, I know none of you really likes confrontation and all but you know what? Confrontation's good. It's a form of standing up for yourself, staking your claim, defending your rights. Avoiding conflicts, avoiding confrontation, bottling up all your anger and your hurt and all of those feelings inside until it's ready to erupt, basically equals to having low self esteem for me. Don't you guys think you're worth more than that?

I really should start expecting less out of people. I shall start as soon as possible. And I even got some practice in today. No expectations, no disappointments. People are unpredictable. Everything else isn't, though, so I'll just stick to what I know, thanks.

I got third in class. I think I deserve it as much as any number. Divyia got first, so congratulations! I know she'll accept it all graciously and stuff. I like Divyia. And I guess I can't begrudge her and Alisya for beating me to first place because they are, after all, paying me in compliments. According to Study Frenzy (which was targeted around April-July, which I now realize is just damn straight stupid because I am going to be busy as fuck for these next two months), I believe that I can apply Number 4 because the History paper was shit stupid and I accept that as the lowest mark I have ever gotten for History ever. Do I think it's acceptable? Of course not. Am I going to fuss over it? No. So not much regrets over all. I did my best for BM (which turns out to be not all that bad, hey hey) and while Maths was a disaster, I didn't cry over it which is a good thing. I'll do better for trials, I'll do better for whatever else and I'll just be better.

Wow, I remember that video we watched at the ITC workshop on Wednesday: we're only in competition with ourselves. That's like exactly how I feel. While I'd like to beat out other people, I think that being the best doesn't necessarily mean being the best out of everyone else. It just means being the best you can be and (Number 7!) pushing until there's nothing else to push. 

I haven't told her this yet but maybe I should on Open Day. I don't like the way Aly treats her marks. I know she may be relatively new to being smart and all but if there's one thing I've learned, it's that when you keep insisting that your lucky break is simply just that - a lucky break - you're going to kind of end up looking like an asshole. 

Brownie points for this week is that I no longer really care about what I do or don't do anymore. I figured, hey, if everyone in the whole wide school doesn't like thinking, why not conform? Why not be just like everyone else and enjoy living a life of abject assholery? 

Not a bad lifestyle. Not a bad choice.

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