The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

take a sad song and make it better

I feel like a terribly student even though I know I'm not. Blue house sucks so bad this year but I'm afraid that if I say it out loud, I'll jinx it more and God knows we don't need that. I'm okay friends-wise. I mean, I don't think people are all that happy to have me around but ultimately I don't think I'm a nuisance either. 

Hel's in hospital for tonsillitis or however you spell that. Luckily, she's not performing or anything anytime soon. Everyone else is fine. Maze is kind of annoying me lately because he's acting kind of Nadiah-like only I really can't blame him because the only thing I seem to be doing lately is whine. 

So like I told him, this isn't about pride or ego or being plain old damn stubborn. It's about the fact that I have done so much, I have tolerated three of the worst people I have ever had the misfortune to be involved with and what the hell? This is what I get? I know what Kai said, that it's no use being friends with people you don't like but I don't hate any of them, not even after all of this. 

I just don't get it. If you're not going to help out your friends, if you're not going to make them realize things about themselves that they don't realize, then what's the point? I don't want a friendship for the sake of having people to hang out or laugh around with. I want a friendship because I want someone to love and love me back, in that very platonic sense.

Zaza and Maze both made me feel guilty for what I've said. And I would apologize if a conversation was opened. Because I'm not doing it first. Not this time. Not ever again. Not for people I know I won't sacrifice anything for, ever. It's wrong, it's stupid to stoop to their level and it's just me being my general dramatic self again. I do this, I know. The things I've said or written, they've started most of my problems. 

And I will forever apologize for the way I've acted but I won't take back what I said and I won't apologize for that either. Because I am not going to be that person who apologizes for telling the truth. And as for all of you all, I'm not fragile. I can take it. If you have something to say, say it to my face. I hope you know that keeping quiet doesn't mean choosing which battles to fight. It just means you don't believe in what you stand for bad enough to stand up for it. 

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