The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Oh, The Places You'll Go!

I think I'm having some sort of freeze thing because I can't write anything and I just don't know, like, words? God, this is going to be so painful to read back later but I just want to get things off my chest because I like writing and there we go, it's starting to flow a bit now. 

Um, well, I guess I'm feeling okay. Because you know it really doesn't take a lot for me to start feeling sad and cry a lot but I didn't do any of that today and I don't even think I'm even feeling properly but whatever. It's a bit, like, too much. Too much went in and I don't think I've fully processed everything yet and I just really can't. Um, well, uh, today... I (really long pause because it took me five minutes to think of what to write down here)... I think I'm okay. I could be feeling depressed and stuff and I could just plain old want more because I think there used to be this part of me that was all shades of insatiable but it's not there anymore because regardless of the nothingness today was, I am okay. Like, what do I even want right? Not a thing. 

The thing about expectations is that they can never really be met, not when it concerns certain people. And sometimes you get disappointed when things turn out for the worse but other times, you just don't feel anything and I think it's because I never really set the bar that high up in the first place. I can... I can.. it's not a game of thrones, you know. It's not people falling down and getting back up. I don't... think so. It's more like... it's not even that I'm over everything and it's not even that I don't care because I do. So much. So much so that I'm just sort of numb here and I don't know, actually. 

I don't know what happened. Like, am I supposed to be sad? Am I supposed to... I don't know. Whatever. So that is how I currently feel. I am happy now, though. Very much still drifting towards 'just plain old okay' but a little bit happy here and there. Today was Sports Day and I carpooled with Intan back and forth. Poor thing had a sprained ankle or maybe it was just her foot. If we were anything more than suck, I would probably have the heart to elaborate but as it were, I'll stop there regarding Sports Day. Now that that's over, right? No, wrong. There's Install and YE Sales and while I'm very, very excited on both fronts, I am also very, very scared because things are kind of chaos over here at Prefectsville and also, I have no idea what everyone else is doing around about YE, but whatever it is, it better be good to counter some of our super epic fail stress balls. 

I would say that I'm excited there's no more staying back until the crack of freaking night but there's still 4 o'clocks. And I actually forgot about the Guides thing on Saturday and now because I already said yes, I have to go. It's not like I don't want to go, it's more like I can't bring myself up to be excited about this. Monday was actually a rare, kind of good day and Tuesday was the rehearsal for Sports Day, which went just about as well as you could have guessed it did. I lost my headband and well, I don't even remember what else happened. Wednesday was a very stupid day. I understand the need to teach your students and the need to teach them a lesson, but as a human being, what rights do certain teachers have to be so unlikable? I can't believe that was my week. It felt so long while it was going on and now that it's Friday tomorrow, I feel like nothing really happened. 

Like, I don't even feel like it was Sports Day today. All through everything, I was just praying for time to pass by so I could go home. I also drank a lot but didn't go to the bathroom even once, which should be considered a legendary accomplishment, if you ask me. I am not going to miss all the staying back I had to do nor will I particularly miss the people. Don't get me wrong, dudes, but it was fun and it was fun and let's just leave it at that because all things considered, unspeakable. 

I want to do so many things and I either have no time or no energy or simple and outright no mood so I just won't do anything. I'll just... focus on getting my diet back on track. 

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