The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Of Ice Skating & Power Trips

I can't seem to settle the score, no matter how hard I try to pull myself away from this miserable avenue I'm strolling down, no matter how many times I tell myself it's not worth it. It kind of is, at the end of the day, to feel happy and uninhibited and like I could just do things that nobody's ever let me do before. But it's never going to be right and there's never going to be a right time. 

And they all say what they want to say and it just rolls right off my back. Because they can't touch me. Not where it counts. I know what I feel sometimes is unwarranted and nothing short of bizarre but I really truly honestly madly deeply can't help it and I'd apologize but I don't know to whom. And I'd make it all right and make it all better but I don't know how. 

I just want to have that again. That was power, I now realize. That's what I have with, well, with you, and that's what I didn't have with D. Because with D, it was always like I was sharing her, like she was just this shiny thing that someone was loaning to me for the day. That's why it's all a tangled mess of nothing, up in the air, like glitter, just drifting slowly to the ground, catching and reflecting light. Truly meaningless at the end of the day. That's why I can't seem to get it right when it concerns her. 

But that was power. The feeling of sharing something with someone that you know no one else can ever have. The feeling of exclusivity, of saying "no, we don't want you to join us". Power only exists in a space wherein everyone involved in the near vicinity can say for certain that they care. And that's why there's no such thing as a high school power struggle, not at my school anyways: a conflict of interests. But that feeling that I had last year...

I want it back and it's doing unspeakable harm to my brain cells that I just look ahead, and all I ever have to do is look ahead, and all I can see is you, with your power and your other friends being all fucking powerful.

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