The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Monday, June 20, 2011

No One's Got What We've Got Going

I like this weekend even though I can't remember much of what went on. Mostly, my sister came home, a lot of my friends cancelled on me and most were busy so I couldn't go out. Not even my sister wanted to go out. No one to go out with, no one to drive me; yeah, that sounds just about right. But we had pizza on... I don't know, actually, but all I know is we still have some leftover pizza and that's just disgusting. Anyways, on Saturday night, the whole house left for my mother's parents' place and while everyone piled into mother's car, I was on the road with my sister the whole night. Just her.

Was thinking of freaking her out with some ghost stories but I didn't think it was wise considering we were just by our twosome on oftentimes lonely and dark roads (okay, so maybe not lonely but dark, definitely) but it was mostly great and A+! Had McDonald's and listened to the radio and I plugged in my iPod sometimes but apparently all we did for most of the trip was talk. Well, I talked. She listened. And she kept making references to the brightness of the moon so how can I resist an opening like that? 

Me: You know what, Chris's hair is really swoopy. 
My sister: Swoopy. Is that a word? 
Me: Well, you know how owls swoop down to catch rats or something right? 
My sister: Yeah. Swoop. 
Me: Well, then the owl is swoopy.

And then I slept in my Aunt's room with my sister as well. There was AC which was turned on for about an hour or so and I was just really tired from travelling or something I guess because I fell dead asleep as soon as I closed my eyes and didn't even realize my sister was snoring. She snores. A lot. Note of warning to the future husband: invest in earplugs. Anyways, Sunday morning was just me doing homework and going through my Open Day report and listening to Maroon 5's Sunday Morning because I thought it was appropriate. Since I wiped my iPod clean, started on a fresh slate and renamed it Ellie and all, there's only been about a hundred or so songs but then I got on my sister's computer and she had thousands of songs or so so I decided to just take some of hers. Granted, most of my songs are Eminem now but whatever. At least that's something. 

I think I'm calmer when it's just me and the older generation of my extended family. I get all moody when I'm surrounded by my cousins who are about the same age as I. I'll lock myself up in my room and beg to go home and everything. Which is a shame, of course, considering we used to be so darn close but it's kind of water under the bridge or something like that. So it went homework, fanfiction, homework, fanfiction, and then some for the rest of the day. Had ice cream and had lunch. Headed homeward bound at around 5. Nandos for dinner which made my stomach, well, for lack of better words, swoopy. 

Slept really late and woke up to disaster. The walkway leading to the PR really reflects my state of mind this morning, which was cluttered and messy as fuck. Homework undone, books missing; it's just a litany of all the worries a teenage worrier could worry about. Science class annoyed me the most today because of that stupid PEKA file. Luckily for me, I didn't cry. It was a stupid thing to cry over anyways. I found the file. Half of my stuff's missing, though, but... I just don't get it. It's not even the end of the world. It's not even like the file's actually missing. I have my ISF paper and everything and everything is as it should be only just slightly lesser. 

I honestly don't understand why I worry too much. Especially about stupid things like this. Stupid things that are a hundred percent out of my control. 

For YE, we did more of those stress ball things. I made one with a Princess Leia hairdo. It was cool. Also, I have dropped somewhat on the dignity scale and I've started to openly insult certain people out right. At the time, I felt bad, sure, and it wasn't something I did on a regular basis. I mean, I hate on people, sure, and I make a point of hating as... passionately as I can, but I don't exactly enjoy starting anything behind anyone's back. It's not enjoyable and it's actually pretty damn uncomfortable so I felt bad. I did. After YE, we (and by we, I meant me, but well, whatever) went to the Gallery for aerobics practice and it wasn't that bad of a turnout this time. Izarra was a no show but that was fine. She is honestly very, very busy. 

After everything wrapped up at the very early hour of 4.30, Sam and Intan and I sat down and started talking. Okay, look, I said I felt bad and that was quite honestly, the crux of it all. Past tense. But then Sam told me that Hanna's been blabbing and Intan told me that Nisa told Afreena and it was like... I like this, you know, all of this. God knows I do. It's not like I thrive off of the drama, not exactly, but things have been super, super boring lately and super boring meant me over thinking about the past. And so, rather than splitting my lip open over Darwin or giving a damn about what Helena has to say about, well, anything, I would much, much rather focus on the shenanigans of brainless Malaysian teens. It's true. I would much rather be That Bad Friend than That Non Linear Friend. Very self-loving, right? 

Speaking of friends. Well, actually I spoke enough about the matter so what good would reiterating anything do? Nothing, no good. I know none of you guys realize this, not really, but we're not friends. None of us are. There was a time, perhaps, when I was naive enough to think that all of the effort I had put in was effort put into a friendship but now I know that... well, fuck. It's just wasted effort, isn't it? I have my exceptions and the list just keeps getting shorter and shorter every year and I can't stand that. I just can't stand that.

Regardless, I had a good time. A sinful time, sure, but it was good nonetheless. Sometimes it just feels good to let go, you know? As party and AGM draws nearer, I'm getting more and more fidgety. It's not normal for me to care but I do because... well, as Violet said, I know that everyone honestly thought I didn't mind Hanna's everything, but I'm human, too. The way Cheryl had put it might have been a little harsh and this isn't the first nor the final straw. I'm good with it just being a straw. I can collect them or something. Actually, maybe I have been collecting them. Anyways, I don't really wish anything right now. 

All I want is for my PEKA file to be completed. That's all I ask for. Also, on Gate again because God knows I can never catch a break but I honestly don't mind Gate. You get blamed for a lot of shit, but only on Mondays when class prefects don't check up on their nails. Today was an okay day. It would have been spectacular if I hadn't been the only person in Science class to have not received my PEKA file, but since that did actually happen, it's just an okay day then.

If I survive this week (and I know I will unless I die), I should get to meet Chris as like a reward or something.

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