The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Made For Sin

I know I constantly hide behind cryptic messages and double meanings but I really would like to be straight out honest this month. I owe them at least that much. Helena was super pissed at me today, more so than usual, and it might have been because I called her up in the middle of the night yesterday just to tell her what Maze said to me, which I won't repeat in here because seriously, people read this blog. And I don't know where she gets off. I honestly don't. And it's not like I want to be that person, you know, the person who pretends she doesn't give a fuck when all she wants to do inside is give all the fucks in the world and beyond because seriously, I've done that. That was a stupid thing to do and it got me hurt and I lost a really good friend and now I'm never getting her back ever again. See? Here I go again with the cryptic messages.

So I was joking, as I do, about the trials and tribulations of early twenty-first century Malaysian development and then Hel just snapped. And I know she was seriously snapping because she said something along the lines of, "I dare you to write this on your blog. Go on." So here's to making Helena happy and fulfilling her every wish. Congratulations. You weren't satisfied with being the center of my life last year, you want to hold that position this year as well. Well, guess what? That ship has sailed. It sunk. Titanicized. And you can ignore the fact that you have a boyfriend all you want but I won't. I like James and you should tell him soon. Because what kind of a shitty person would that make you? Compared to me?

Actually, since I'm writing all of this out on a public forum and James could very well read this, I guess that makes us equal. Whatever. Back to what I was saying. So thanks to you, I finally got around to talking with Maze and we finally talked about something other than what was wrong with us. So, really, I thank you, on my knees, Helena, because you've done wonders for me, be it intentionally or not.

"She handles everything with the care and respect that they rightfully deserve."
"He's an inquisitive mind and always tries to understand the things that he doesn't."

So I guess that no. It's not about the fact that I was a ditz and wasn't even given the time of day by Iman, it wasn't the fact that you and I just wouldn't ever work in any possible scenario (yes, even gender swap!), and it's certainly not the fact that Darwin left. It's not that. It's honest to God something I treasure more than anything in the whole wide world because surprise me, shock me, drop my jaw to the ground but people bring so many different things into my life and Maze? Maze just brought some of the best. Like, everything I needed and after all this time, you have no right to comment or say anything or even roll your eyes at a stupid joke I made, a stupidly accurate joke because you and I know it's true, Hel. We both do. 

There's no running, no hiding, no pretending. We both know it and so does Maze. I told him straight up. I never lied, never tried to hurt anyone's feelings except maybe for my own. I did the right thing even though I look in the mirror everyday and all I see is "wrong". You didn't. You're still living in this fantasy world in which you think I would ever give up what I have right now for a ticket straight to hell. That's bullshit. 

I can say whatever I want to say about my thoughts on this but at the end of the day, I'll still be on my bed, crying and I know there's only one person willing to help me and regardless of how alike we are, it's not you, Hel.

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