The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

I Don't Play Much

But I do enjoy having the ball in my park,

Bright spots, you know, like getting second in class and being shocked out of this world. Like text messages and phone conversations and lovely, lovely words of encouragement. Like the mistakes made are all fixable. 

"Now I want to see your zig-zag." 
"My what?"

It's been a busy week with no sleep, less food than I would have thought possible, surviving only on a dramatic adrenalin rush and stolen sips of water from other people's bottles. Time flew so fast and I've started planning for things that really shouldn't matter where I am right now but sometimes, in times of duress, it's the little things that make the big things so much more manageable. 

YE is going good with me doing those stress ball things and I'm afraid that I'm going to have to suck it up and ask teacher whether I could do YE half and half next week because of Blue house. Unsurprisingly, things are going okay on that front (house practice) because it's not like we're good or even remotely good, it's just that things find ways to fix themselves and slot into their own respective places. Law of the universe in which everything has a place to be and everything will, at the end of the day, be in that place.

Staying back until 5 everyday does have its advantages and while I'm tired out of my mind, the fact that there's sound checks and rehearsals and really, I thought I didn't want to write about this stuff in here anymore. It's just that I get home and I'm tired and I get home and I only spend about half an hour on Tumblr and I get home and I don't do my homework and I wake up in the morning to begin the routine again and doesn't it get tedious? Sure, of course, fuck tha police. But I enjoyed being busy this week and hopefully next week as well because I've never had the opportunity to be busy before. 

Also, fasting on Tuesday was the worst idea possible. I don't know why I didn't do it on Monday because I was so chill on Monday, having had YE and not learning anything new for house practice. As for Tuesday, it was PE and a whole lot of other shit that left my mouth watering after Intan's legs, which started to resemble chicken drumsticks at the end of the day. But I got through it as fine as one does but cried a bit when my mother wouldn't let me have Coke to satisfy my unending craving for Coke. It's because Coke is half sugar and half acid and eats up your stomach and your teeth and is just the most unhealthiest thing I have ever put in my body except for maybe certain fast foods but I still enjoy the heck out of all of that stuff because unhealthy doesn't mean inedible! And inedible doesn't mean not delicious!

I borrowed Gana's blazer on Tuesday. Wearing it and taking a picture in it was all shades of, wow, I can't believe this is happening, because I still remember at the start of Orientation in Form 1 when I was just like staring at the board in the front PR and trying and failing to memorize all of the seniors' faces and thinking, "What the fuck, I haven't seen half of these people in my life here," and by life there, I meant, in the four or five months I have been at that school. And now, after all those shenanigans in Form 1, after all of the friends I've made in Form 2, and during one of the stupidest two-week period of my entire life in Form 3 thus far, I was taking an actual, God-bless-Malaysia, picture in a blazer. Which is not mine, but I wish it were, to commemorate the occasion and cement it permanently in my mind as one which was symbolic, but not in a stupid literature or day time soap kind of way.

The rest of the days blurred into one, with Thursday being more prominent in my mind because of Open Day. It's really not a problem for me to admit to making mistakes because I am only just. And there is no "but the thing is". I've gotten better at apologies over the years even though most of the time I still choose to keep my mouth shut. It's because of the fact that I choose to keep my mouth shut more often than not that it's a rainy day in paradise when I do say sorry. So it's the fact that at the end of the day, I'm going to do what I have to do to make my life the way I want it to be. There's some things, as I learned on Friday, that are totally out of my hands, not for me to decide, simply for me to take advantage of and enjoy, but there are a lot of things, as I also learned on Friday, that are for me to decide on. 

Open Day went as fast as a blink of an eye. It's really hard to believe, these things. I still remember in Form 1 during AGM when I turned to Cassandra and said, "Time flies so fast, doesn't it?" when I was referring to the fact that just mere months before, we were probationers and then it came time for our seniors to step down and it really is a sad fact. The seniors then and now are lovely people and the fact that the year's probies only get to spend a couple of months with them - that's sad. And then Cass turned to me, glanced down at her watch and replied with, "Yeah, I know. It's already 1.30." And now here you are Cassandra Lee: Head of Documentation! 

Wait, why did I jump to talk of AGM while talking about Open Day? T'was kind of a lonely day, spent sitting next to Nina because Aly was AWOL (whatever that stands for - I forgot!) and however weird it was to be sitting in the middle row, it was kind of awesome because of the fan that was just overhead. I would like to sit in the middle row, I really would, but sadly I don't think Cik Mariam cares much for switching up sitting positions considering the fact she just left us to our devices and said we were to have three rows of three at the beginning of the year. Speaking of her, it was a quick one because I, being who I am, didn't really have much to say nor was there particularly anything Cik Mariam could say regarding me considering the fact that she doesn't even teach me this year. So it was really no use for my mother to even have came. I went home and then went back to school, which was typical of me, since I only live a few minutes' drive away, but at the same time, I kind of hate it, because there's always going to be this part of me that just plain old does not want to leave the house.

Oh, while we're on the subject of house practice which was our subject before this but anyways, it was kind of full of shit, the whole thing, especially this week. I really don't know what to think, I mean, if they were going to being doing this, then why not go at it from the start? It really is quite a thorn in the side when the organisation's all over the damn place, but I guess this shouldn't be anyone's fault but each their own because we're all just kids under eighteen with no discernible clue as to what the fuck we're doing running societies and clubs and sports teams anyways. Or, we pretend like we do, when in all actuality, sooner or later, it's all going to hell.

It surprises me which teams started to work this year (and by work, I mean, work like work together, not as in doing things) and which just fell apart and it got me to questioning what would have been different if... um, but I spend enough time as it is doing that, so as we move on with the story: I think it was a Wednesday when we had to relearn the entire routine and this Form 1 girl was left in charge. I feel bad, as bad as I felt last week when I started to lose all the filters and stir shit up, but technically, I don't even know who that Form 1 girl is but if we had a voice out session and the topic of respect was ever broached again (which, by the way, thanks, Last Year's Seniors and also, Monica, because now we don't get to have voice out sessions ever again in the history of ever), I would be giving that Form 1 girl the stink eye. From wherever it is I'm standing, to wherever it is she's sitting. Also, quite related but not in a racist way or anything, the back of arm is now a nice golden brown, which I'm pretty sure what most celebrities are striving for and here I am, getting it on for free at the price of twelve hours spent in school. 

I was writing about Thursday when Pn. Kalsom (um, spelling?) came in and announced with a joyful face that they were counting in Civics marks as well. Having gotten great results, I was not in the mood to whine or anything because that is, how to say, not in my nature (yes, please laugh! This is a joke!) but other people were on full out because most of them, sad to say, got an 84. What kind of mark is an 84? It is like, mark of the devil or something. It was what I thought I had gotten for Arts but then teacher pulled that 85 out of her ass (or rather, the piece of paper she was holding) and it was like the stars aligned and all the trees and animals in the world sighed in unison (and then I found out I got a 76 for History and it was like a nuclear meltdown). 

Anyways, back to the grinning Civics teacher. Aly wasn't there that day, if not I would have had to sit next to her and endure her passive aggressive toleration for stress. I am unsure as to what number she got in class after I bumped my way up a spot but whatever it is, I'm sure she was darn pleased and puffed to have beaten me in something and then they messed up the Goddamn list and added in Civics and PE marks and now she's... not as happy. I wouldn't be sad if I were her because she had beat me the first time around, the proper time, with the core 9 subjects and all that. Considering the fact that I am not her, though, I am not sad at all, because I got second in class beat out by only Divyia and I won't say she got lucky or anything because luck has nothing to do with it, but with some elbow grease and a few teeny tiny Godsends, I'll be able  to push her back down, in a metaphorical, non-physical and no-violence, but still painful way. Hi, Divyia, congratulations, by the way! 

Duty for Open Day itself was no big deal. It would have been way more enjoyable if it wasn't so hot and I didn't have to play laundry-fetcher for Pn. Santira the first fifteen minutes (the novelty of, "You there! Prefect!" wears off pretty fast, if you asked me; not that there was time to enjoy said novelty considering Orientation stress and all) but overall, it was fun. At least I didn't have to carry water bottles around like Divya. And I got to bump into Santra and Xueh Wei and Cassandra and I'm sure there's more people but God, I really don't care, a lot. When I got to class, it was deserted. Most of the people in there (so maybe it wasn't all that empty, after all) were reading or asleep so I took out my stress balls and began adding hair and stuff. This might seem like a weird place to just up and insert this but I feel like having Twix right now. You know, the cereal with the bunny. 

My mother came shockingly early for her and luckily for us all, it wasn't a disaster like last time around. So it's really a lucky day for me considering she had a meeting beforehand and couldn't get there earlier than 12.30 even if she wanted to! Which she didn't, of course, because she had a meeting and all. Had McDonald's when I got back, which according to Sabrina is the unhealthiest shit she has ever seen being processed and I've watched videos and stuff so I can vouch for the general disgust the public has and should have concerning this brand of fast food but dammit, McShaker fries. 

Friday started off slower than usual and we ended Gate with a round of goodbyes to the Form 5s and Eleanor's iconic, "If one of you gets Head of Discipline, good luck," to Jing Kai and I (you will see in a minute). There's this cat that the guard apparently takes care of now. It is cute, it is little, and it reminds me of a mini Fluffy. Even Priya, who claimed to hate cats with a fiery passion, touched it. 

I entered class late as usual. I only got to talk to Zaza for a while, which is a shame. I mean, I like gate and all but Transferring gets my head in a swim after a while (and also happens to be the number one reason I don't get to enjoy a proper recess). Also a shame: I guess if there was a post I would care for, it would have been Head of Documentation because I just like doing it. I mean, not all the work and effort and things that I have to pretend to like, but I just like the fact that there's no middle ground while doing Transferring. It's like Maths, it's the least subjective out of all of the posts considering its close ties with statistics. But enough of the shames! Science was same old but I had to conduct DC which is maybe CS or maybe something different. I'm unsure but at least now I can ask Jen and Jing Kai and they can't say they don't know. They really can't. 

I wonder what it's like to be Arisya Hanna. I mean, it's really not that I want to be her but sometimes I think how easy it would have been for me to actually be her. I guess it's hard to explain, if you didn't know me back in primary school but what strikes me as odd was how much of a suck up I was to teachers. It wasn't that I liked them and it wasn't even that I enjoyed the power. Maybe it was the fact that I really didn't have any friends that I truly liked in Standard 5 and that was why I latched onto teachers like one of those annoying brown-nosed leeches but not like that. Because I'm pretty sure there are no actual brown-nosed leeches that I know of. So in a way, I guess I'm thankful for not having had any friends, especially not ones that indulged me (in fact, most of my friends from thereon out had made me feel sufficiently inadequate, in their own little ways, even to this day), lest I wished to turn into someone like her. 

For all that I say about not liking people and not liking anything much, it truly surprises me, everyday when I wake up and before I go to sleep, how much I just simply follow the rules even though I hate them. I break it occasionally  of course, but I don't make it a habit. I don't even care of what people think and yet I hate being late. It's... confusing? I guess. But let's not dwell on it because the more I do, the more confused I get.

I forgot to mention that my sister left for a friend's wedding in Australia on Thursday (I think). It makes me wonder whether I would spend time on a plane (which is technically a thing that's just floating on up there in thin air) and risk my life more than I should have (I actually like plane rides) for the people I know today. Man, I guess I just don't think about it much, do I? But how would I feel if I had to attend certain people's weddings? Anyways, she asked me what I wanted. 

Me: I want Chris Colfer.
My sister: I'll try. 

Sisterly love. And back to Friday. Well, on Thursday, I (insert event here because I really am tired of all this so I really do not want to talk about it anymore so this really is all you're getting) and then that night, maybe in spite, maybe in revenge, or maybe because, like I said, I was just tired, I decided to Google "ways to woo women" which might be slightly unhinged-like on my part, but I got shit done. (Too bad I left all the shit I had worked blasphemously hard on in the car and then forgot about it again when my Dad picked me up. Ah me. Monday, then, I guess!) I surprise myself sometimes because I think about making decisions a lot. I think about it too much it becomes over thinking but when the time actually comes for me to make decisions, I just make them on the spot. That's why I shop for clothes so fast. That's why it really doesn't take me more than half an hour to pick out books. I glance, I pick, I buy. So maybe it shouldn't be a surprise since apparently to my brain, this is common knowledge. So what happened on Friday really wasn't a surprise.

I remember that episode of Whatever the Hell that Show's Called (it's Grey's Anatomy but I always have to Google it to find out if it's Grey's or Gray's) and it's a really old episode and I really don't remember any of the characters names anymore because I stopped watching because seriously, all that doctor drama is whack. If my sister was living that life, I would just laugh in her face and tell her to find a new job, like a librarian or something (they should have a show about sexy librarians! I called it - like, there could be this girl who wears long skirts and shirts and horn-rimmed glasses and in another part of town, there could maybe be this cooler librarian, who's a dude, who is also a hispter and he can wear frameless glasses and cardigans and talk about poetry while sexily keying in the books to their respective alphabets and they could fall in love and have crazy bookshelf sex... hey but back to Grey's). I think they were talking about how some people were doers and some were... I forgot. Shit. I remembered when I started writing this and then I got sidetracked by stupid hipster librarians and now... I just don't have a point anymore. 

I'm a doer. Point. I do things. The end. 

We had pizza even though Cassandra said we were having Maggi. I am still unsure whether she was pulling my leg or what but whatever it is, Cassandra, good one, because even though Marina said she didn't care, I bet she would have cared deeply if she wasn't given the opportunity to rival last year's record of nine slices of pizza. And she did rival it! Ten slices, bravo! Not that I care or anything. I was envious that everyone got to enjoy their food while there I was sitting with my teeth in unutterable pain. At least Esther was in the same boat! And the best part was probably the fact that she didn't make such a big fuss as she usually did, because of the fact that she was trying her damnedest to eat the pizzas and all. I tried, too, Esther. I tried, too. 

So then we went to the BKB. And Pri mentioned that before Pn. Goh had mentioned something about the next board. I think I was listening but it turns out I wasn't. That is a quintessential Geography class. I think she's talking about fish, but I can't really be sure. There were tears, of course, as to be expected, but not as much as I thought there would be. Truly, though, the Form 5s. I'm going to miss them. I got to have my moments with nearly all of them at least once and that is beyond what I had imagined when I first got into this whole thing. The speeches weren't as boring because it wasn't all tears and farewells. They made funnies, too! By the time the whatever-it-is-you-call-it rolled around, Pri said something about not getting a thrill out of finding out who the Heads were and I agreed with her because, like I said, I thought I was listening to Pn. Goh. I honestly thought I was. Maybe some things went in? Honestly, though, I should pay more attention in class because I'm having some trouble differentiating between which classroom conversations were concrete and which were either daydreams or real life night-time dreams.

I took out a pen and the paper I had prepared for the very occasion and was ready to settle down for the whole thing. So I shimmied my butt in the seat and settled down. And then they announced Emily's name and I made a typical Hafizah joke. And, aw, Marina, boo! And by boo, I didn't mean, boo hoo, I meant, boo, as in that term of endearment, because I know a lot of people who are very endearing, but only Marina (and maybe Li Qin) deserves to be called boo. I was as shocked as Violet was for the turn of events, but really, there wasn't much time for me to wallow in the shock and stare at Violet up at the front. 

I didn't even hear Pn. Hamimah call my name (neither did Xueh Wei) and all I heard was "bt. Johari" and I was like, "What?" not even in a gobsmacked or grateful way, more like what, like Pui Ling was last year when they picked her to be Form 4 representative. More like, what, I was just getting comfortable and now I have to get up? But from then on it was more like a dreamy, floaty, I-really-don't-know-what's-going-on sort of experience because before I knew it I was standing towards the back and Violet was crying and I really didn't know what was going on.

I managed to find and thank all of the teachers and Pn. Ranchani even gave me a hug! Um, well, after that, there really wasn't much I could say. It was more like I was stuck between terrified out of my brains and well, grateful, I guess, but most of all, disbelief. I guess every single feeling I felt was sort of stuck in my throat. Hugged some Form 5s but even that seemed like a dream. I mean, I'm trying to say that out of everyone else left, out of Lissa and Sau Mun and Elyza and Maha and Hanna and the Pris and Xueh Wei, I mean, yeah, that was just, weird. I was so shocked when I asked Farah why they chose me and then she said what she said and it was like, okay, I couldn't speak before, but that literally rendered me completely mute. 

Apparently by that time, practice for Blue house was over and so I went home with Intan since I had another half an hour left. I'm sad for Sports day to be over, after all, because then I wouldn't get to hang around Intan and while we really do talk about pointless things, it makes me happy to know that while it's a very surface friendship, it's still one after all we've been through and after all of these years. In fact, I am so grateful and so eternally sorry for those who have had to put up with me these past few weeks because I know things haven't been at its peak. I've apologized to a lot of people but for those I haven't found the opportunity to yet: Zaza, Intan, Aqilah, Samantha, Elia, Afreena, Pri, Sabrina, Kai. Maybe I've been a pain in the behind, maybe I haven't, but I'd still like to apologize because regardless of everything I've said about people before, it's still lovely to know that when the going gets tough, I'm not going through it alone. Or something to that extent but phrased less cheesily (which is not a word).

When I got home, I told my mother about getting Head of Spotcheck (oh, right, so I might have missed out on mentioning that) and she said and I quote, "Are you sure you can do that?" and maybe that's fair, maybe that's my eye for an eye for that "Who are you?" I pulled beforehand but it still got me down in the dumps. Everyone was all, "Oh, we believe in you, Hafizah," but gosh, I don't even believe in myself. But like I said, there's some things, as I learned on Friday, that are totally out of my hands, not for me to decide, simply for me to take advantage of and enjoy.

Speaking of enjoy except not really, party was that night! And while the games mainly consisted of actual games and the dancing mainly consisted of half awkward, half insanely hilarious staircase-dance (HEEEY MACARENA!), it was still okay, fun, not bad, and, while thematically confusing, the location was pretty. I'm sure it wasn't that hot for some people who were wearing lighter material but darn, girls, I don't know the meaning of light material. It was a good night all in all and maybe it was because I heeded some people's advice or maybe it was because I started listening to what I was always trying to tell other people, it really doesn't matter because I've heard so many people say that "things are going to be all right" and I don't want to jump guns or sharks or whatever and start believing them now. But there are going to be bright spots, you know, when the clouds clear up just for a little while and things aren't as bad as you thought they were going to be. 

Sadly, my computer crashed and everyone's passwords that I saved up went missing and now it's either I start from scratch (which I really have no intention nor time to do) or I do nothing because either way, there's no way I'm worming my way into Facebook any time soon. I really should make more time for reading, or listening to music, or watching TV, or being on the computer, but I went through the entire week with minimal computer usage - the least in my life ever, probably - and I'm still good as new. So now I know: it can be done.

And it's not easy, not a cup of tea, to have the "friends" that I do but, yeah. You just learn to deal and this all sounds like I'm closing a speech or something but really it's not. I still have a lot to do on Monday. There's still Sports day and whatever else comes after that to look forward to. About three or so days of fasting left (step up from last year) and this morning, I had to go to school for house practice and it's coming together and also, I saw the guard giving the cat a bath. How freaking charming. But the thing about the illusion of happiness is that it's just that. An illusion. AGM, party, all of that, it feels like the end but it's really not because it's June and dammit if time isn't going on full speed ahead. 

The good thing is, after all of this, that I'm not stationary anymore. Pri's right about the whole "growing closer" and "learning" thing, however many air quotes I choose to put into those phrases. It moved me, just a little bit, and now I can do more, be more, live more, and this really is starting to sound like a closing speech. 

It's not. 

I swear.

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