The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

How Are You? (A Redux)

Hi. If you recognize some of these words as yours, that's because they are. And don't feel so snowflakey. This is like a compilation of more than four of my "friends'" blog posts that I've read in the past week.

I don't know why I'm angry right now but I am. I am just so angry I literally jumped from my bed and stormed out of my room. I know I said that day that I've had it up to here with people but right now I just feel like I've had it up to here with the human race, period. And I remember the looks and sneers and short bursts of laughter I'd get sometimes when I tell other people that I prefer to be alone, that I really do not like other people nor do I particularly enjoy their company. And I know my Dad gets on my case a lot because I apparently like fictional things more than I like actual human beings, which, not going to argue with him there.

I've had enough of the so what if I'm cold, so what if it seems like I just don't care, so what if it seems like I only pretend to be emotionally distant so that I don't have to deal with the crap that is... well, every single person in my life who are still in my life right now.

I have done everything right here.

And honestly I've had enough of what people think of me and that's just me, you know, someone who hardly even cared in the first place. I know that I say really mean things sometimes and have you ever thought that I say them because they need to be said? Because if we just leave an empty silence straight in the middle of our friendship or whatever, then neither of us would get to learn anything at all? And what, then, would be the point of being friends with someone if not for the honesty, if not for the companionship, and if not for the fact that we as humans need someone else to act as a mirror for our actions? I know that I'm sarcastic and have you ever thought that you have a million other incurable quirks to you that's probably just as annoying? And I know I'm clingy but really can't help it. If I like you, I'll cling. I know that (and this only applies to like a handful of unfortunate people) I like testing people. Sometimes I'll stop talking to them for a few days to see if they bother to talk to me back. It's natural for me to do this and the best part is most of the time, nobody gives a shit.

Yet I never throw that in anyone's faces (well, except for Pri but she really deserves it) and to be honest, from that little exercise, I really get to learn a lot about my friends. And I never use the knowledge that I've gained against them. So please, please, please tell me what I am doing wrong.

Please.

I go through every day feeling misunderstood and challenged and whatever other cliché words you've got. I guess it's as natural as putting on underwear now. I don't even bat an eyelash when I read or hear about my friends feeling the same thing. Do I know that there's somewhat a slight difference between what I'm going through and what they're going through? Yeah. For me, I guess it's all right because I've already got my stupid shield up, I already don't care about what other people think and I really do assure myself that I'm better than most of them on a daily basis. So there's a disconnect there and really, it makes it easier to view the world. Not the most optimistic way to live but at least I'm living. 

I try really hard to be a nice person. You may laugh but honestly? I know for a fact that I've never done anything to anyone. There are certain people I hate, sure, and I'll always hate them slightly more than I hate others so I try to make sure that those people just don't live in my world. If I backstab someone, I don't usually feel guilty but I tell them that I talked about them behind their back. It equalizes the situation a bit. It's not a redeeming quality but it's not one of a class A bitch either so on that scale, I'm good. Like, I said, I know I've never done anything to anyone. But I have said a lot of things to a lot of people. 

And blame me all you want for knowing what I want, knowing what needs to get done, knowing what goals to set. Blame me. I am persistent and insistent and at the end of the day, I get it done. That's the important part. If I happen to hurt your feelings with a couple of teeny tiny words, then I'm sorry. I just want to get a reaction out of you. I just want you to do something for a change. And that's not a bad thing. Blaming me for it is not a bad thing either. If I have to insist that you do something, it's only because you should have done that something a long time ago. I'm using incorrect methods; you suck. It's correlative. 

Am I setting myself higher than everyone else? Why the fuck should I not? I know myself, inside out and I don't any of any of you all that well so I can safely say that with as much knowledge as I have, I am the best person I've ever known. Not my fault. So I'm not a bad person, no matter what you think. I prefer the term 'goal-oriented'. I get things done first and then I'll worry about what I've said to hurt other people in the process later.

Other people? Nice smile, nicer words. Lies. Liars. Hm, well, let me see what else. You guys can really say whatever the fuck you want to say but fact remains that your actions make you out to be horrible people. That's why when you put me down on paper, everything bad that I've ever done starts with, "She said" and when I spell out the things that other people have done to make me pissed, mad, angry, depressed, cry, they all start with, "They did". I painted a picture for you. Hope the brushwork lives up to expectations. 

So what I'm angry about. Right. We've finally come to that point. I understand what it feels like to be sad. To feel like no can actually understand you no matter what they say or do. To feel like no one cares. To feel alone. I understand that, seriously. And I will never put my sufferings up higher than any of yours because I don't know any of you, not really. Seriously. 

But you're all just killing me here. What the fuck? I mean, we're not friends. None of us are. And at this rate, we'll never be. We'll be "Friends", yes, go out and talk and laugh and joke around, but we're not friends. Because what the fuck. I know I'm guilty of this too. I know I've probably made someone as mad as I am tonight but really, really right now I don't care. What kind of friends are we? 

Because remember when you had that "family problem" and you won't even tell me about it? Thanks for that. And thanks for making me feel like a dick for just doing my job. Because remember how every time you pick up the phone you don't even sound interested? Then you know what? Just leave it. Just never pick up the phone ever again because why bother with life if you're not going to try to make something out of it? If you're not going to try to make something out of yourself? Because remember how you always start a deep and meaningful conversation but then you won't really say what I can tell you really want to say? Then just shut up. I am trying to help you but you clearly don't want any of it so whatever. Because remember every single time I try to tell you as subtle as I possibly can, every time I just try and I really feel like crying but you don't get it. You've never gotten it.

None of you do. It's not that I need to help other people so that I can forget about my own troubles, that's not it. I have my blog to unload on, I have friends on Tumblr who help me through the really crappy parts. Some of you don't. And maybe all I want is for someone to not say things like "it's no use if you say I'll be there for you if you're not going to be there". 

Because I have never said that. I promised that I'll keep in touch, sure, I did that. And I said "I love you" to a lot of people and I bet a handful of them can figure out which ones are the sincere ones. And I hug people. A lot. I have never once said "I'll be here for you" or anything along those lines because when you become friends with me, that's part of the territory, I'm afraid. 

Because I thought the words never needed to be said. Because I thought that that was what was friendship was about, straight from the start. 

So you know what? It's okay. I know everyone's going through a hard time and I'm just here, pushing on everyone, insisting, persistently insisting, and making rude comments along the way, but that's okay. It's okay if you guys don't answer my phone calls or my texts. That's fine. I'll take the higher road, I'll be the bigger person. I will always reply to yours. It's okay if you forget about me and it's okay if you don't care anymore. I'll still do it. Freely, willingly, not out of the kindness of my own heart because I'm not sure I quite understand how that works, but I'll do it, in spite of that fact. I just feel angry because I cry alone. But other people shouldn't have to. 

Just be honest. Can't we all just be honest? Can't we all just take a second out of our Goddamn selfish lives to think about other people? Tell me what I'm doing wrong. If I find your argument valid, I'll change it. I will always tell you what you're doing wrong. Don't worry. It might not seem sincere and it might not seem like I really care, but at least I'm not lying. 

Be sad. Go around and burst into fits randomly and just cry non-stop. Go and lie on the floor of your bathroom and make a complete idiot out of yourself. Live a little. At this point (although it's still early on in the game), what does it matter? Because none of us are friends. (I'll just have to deal with it and endure everything, I guess).

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