The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Doors

Tinggi sangat lah dia tu kan. Bagus sangat lah kan. Dah sibuk, setiap hari panggil orang lain "bagus", diri sendiri tak pernah nak tengok dalam cermin. Kalau nak jadi manusia tu, janganlah nak hypocrite sangat. Tak baik, tau, Allah SWT dah bagi akal tapi tak guna. Tak elok. Nanti orang lain tengok lepas tu fikir, anak siapa lah ni, otak senang macam tu pun tak pandai guna? 

I actually have a headache right now. It's a combination of the fact that I didn't bring my glasses today, and we learned about fractional distillation and the smell of petroleum's still fresh in my brain, and the stress. Goddamn the stress. I puked a bit just now. I'll write more about it later, perhaps. Tomorrow. 

It's like this, all right: I don't care anymore. You want to assume, fine. I'll always be who you see me as. It doesn't matter who I really am inside, it doesn't matter if I want to change or try to change or in fact have changed. I'll always be what you think I am. And it's unfair to a point. It's unfair to the point that... I shouldn't care because the only "label" I want to be obsessed with is what I label myself. And to be honest, I don't even like labeling. You never asked and the reason you never did was because you already made an assumption: you already assumed that I was that type of person. And that's fine with me. It's all fine up until here.

What pisses me off is the fact that you think the world owes you something. Look around you, fuckhead, nobody's actually friends with each other. Call it whatever you want to but I call it as I see it and none of us are friends. If you think the world owes you something, if you think I owe you something then that's fucking up to you. It becomes none of my business anymore what you think, what you say, what you don't say, because it was never my business in the first place. If we were really friends, I would actually like you. That's the thing, isn't it? I keep talking big talk about not liking anyone but we all know I have a few weak spots. My parents, my sister, Pri, Maze, Helena, Kai, Ellie. They're the people I would never give up on. If you were actually my friend, I'd put you in that category too. 

And how can I when something so trivial, so little, so meaningless as this, becomes the firmest proof I'm ever going to get that you are willing to give up on me? So it's like I said, I feel like I've changed from the person who once said things like, "If you like me, then I'll love you. If you don't, I'll ignore you." But maybe I'm not all that different. Maybe I make the first moves now but I'll bow out when the time's right. 

Maybe I'm stepping over some invisible line but you know what, I just don't care anymore. 

Sebab kalau dah ada akal, dah diberikan rahmat oleh Tuhan untuk berfikir, tapi tak nak gunakan anugerah tu sebaik mungkin, tak ada guna juga. Bukannya macam hidup ni dapat ulang tiga empat kali. Sekali je. Nak kata I'm acting like a six year old... kalau nak balas balik tu, kena lah betul sikit, kan? Takkan nak main baling je apa-apa ayat yang terlintas dalam fikiran. Nak cakap kena fikir. Nak buat benda kena fikir. If I were six and I had a boyfriend? Hanna. I'd be telling the whole wide world. To say that you're dumb, that's just not it. It's just that you don't think. 

Tau lah kan. Susah, tak senang, Tuhan bagi semua benda pun nak lagi. Tuhan bagi semua kemudahan pun, tak pandai nak guna. Tapi cuba lah. For once in your life, try. Ego isn't going to get you anywhere. You think I'm not hurt? You think I'm not sad or sorry or angry? I am. But I'm taking the high road here, ever heard of that? 

But I'm not going to let myself feel those things. Hurt, anger, sadness, regret - feeling those feelings means relinquishing control, means letting someone else manipulate how I feel and I honestly don't have it in me to feel like that. 

"-the importance of drama among close friends is that we get to know each other better. You may think we have grown apart but we have actually grown closer. It may not be like last time but I feel that with a little more time we can have a way better future compared to last year." 

Words can't express how much I love you. And I give you crap everyday and I put you through so much more than what I put others through. They don't get it as bad as you do. They don't get the tests and the silent treatments and the questions and the expectations and the incessant mocking and the everything else. Because I honestly do love you that much that I just really, really want to know that you'll be there for me when I need it. You failed last year, last time and the time after that and the time after that but you didn't today. 

By the way, perfect grammar and spelling. Congrats, Pri. 

Thanks, Pri. And Helena. Ellie. People of Tumblr. Others. I went home with Intan today. That was a first. Thanks, Intan. And Kai (didn't get to see her today even though she came to school). Xueh Wei and Santra and I can't remember who else. And to some extent, thanks, Nadiah, for being one of the first person I've ever tested to get it right on the first try. I don't push Nadiah as hard as some people, I realize, but I'm not going to start now. 

Ball's in your court. All of y'all. Not sweating it (metaphorically, because literally, I am sweating).

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