The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011


Guess who has two thumbs and can't seem to catch a break? This gal, right here.

Friday's waiting around for Hanna to come around with absolutely no preparations beforehand. In traditional Hanna & Hafizah time spirits, we flipped through magazines, talked about people and fashion (sometimes one sided, sometimes not quite so) and then had doughnuts and tarts and guavas for tea. That night was pizza and I can't remember what else, but Nisa wasn't picking up my calls, not even when I called home, so I whined a lot about that to Hanna. 

Saturday's walking around KLCC and being generally unproductive. Hanna discovered Kinokuniya's second floor and we had breakfast with a service charge of RM10. I have resigned myself to the fact that I probably won't ever be able to buy books properly nowadays. Just can't afford them with good conscience. That night, got a little bit moody but nothing I can't handle, don't worry. The dreams came back. 

Sunday's off to Kuantan. Could have been classified as a bad day but I was too not-in-the-mood to care much of the fact that I didn't strap on my heels properly and scraped the skin at the back of my foot off, nor of the fact that I got my period and forgot to bring any panties so I had to wash the one I was wearing and dry it with a hairdryer. I thought that part was smart of me, at least, but everyone seemed to think it was the only possibly option under duress, and therefore of no intellectual consequence. Whatever. My sister came and we didn't fight at all, magnificent feat or maybe not really since I only saw her for around three hours and the only thing we got to doing was shop for underwear. 

Monday's traveling on the roads a lot. Mostly, I just wanted to get home and see my cat. Took the plaster off the back of my foot and it hurt like a son of a bitch to walk even a little, so I limped the whole day through. Cried when my Dad insisted on a detour to the grandparents' place before heading home properly. An hour added to traveling. An hour wasted. So I got sulky and moody and braved the car sickness to watch videos on my iPod. 

Today's regretting everything I did on the weekend, the crying, the video watching, the wearing heels. It's a nightmare. A string of unavoidable and unfortunate incidences. My left eyeball hasn't stopped hurting and I think it's from the crying and the fact that I've strained my eyes out too much over the past week without wearing glasses. And then there's the headache that's been prominently fuck-youing me since yesterday. It's like a non-alcohol-induced hangover. And the worst is of course the dreams. I had a double last night and it just sucks a lot and I wish things could go right for once because once again, no one's answering any sort of communicative venture I send out. Am I that invisible? Really? 

Surprising even myself, I just want to wake up tomorrow and discover that all my homework's completed, NiE's done with and it's Monday and it's school.

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