The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Twenty-One

What is more difficult for you, looking into someone’s eyes when you are telling them how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
I'm sure I've been put into these positions before, but the thing is, when it's actually happening, I sort of go on autopilot. If I'd have to answer at the threat of death, I'd say looking into someone's eyes when they're telling me how they feel would be worse because for the first one, looking into someone's eyes while talking about my feelings, is kind of... I've been there before and I honestly can't remember anything. All I know is that I kept my eyes trained on their faces to gauge their reactions. For the second one, I know people would be looking at me back to gauge my reaction, so I think perhaps it would be better to just avoid eye contact with them altogether so I could have some mental space to put myself together. 

Think of the last time you were really angry. Why were you angry? Do you still feel the same way?
Last time I felt angry was when I wrote that post on Wednesday that was half in my native language and why I was angry at the time was because I felt like I had done everything right, that I had done all I could, and that other people simply weren't putting in the effort to think, to use the brains the great God gave them. I'd understand if someone would like to object to the way that I think or the way I go about things lately due to the fact that I am just so angry all the time (insert an obscene amount of exclamation points here) but I'm not taking back anything I said because the words still ring painfully true and the world still sucks while simultaneously spinning and I can't change people and I can't change their hearts. I'm angry because I'm trying really hard to be self-actualized and other people make all the mistakes they Goddamn please and don't even try to backtrack. So that was Wednesday, now's Saturday. I'm still angry. Hell, forever angry. Let's call it that.

You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago nonstop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them?
I would make the phone call to my parents. Well, in the event that they're separated at the time, I'd make a call to my house phone. If it's meant to be, someone would pick up. If it's not, then goodbye, cruel world. What would I say to them... I'd say the things I had never had the guts to say to parents face to face before. Which is, thanks for everything, and that I love them, in my own special way, because as I've discovered, I'm very poor at loving people and showing love and showing... well, any type of emotion that doesn't come across as self-absorbed or self-centered. So I'd say thanks, and I'd apologize, and I'd say I love them. I know I'd mean it, because of the heat. Whether I'd mean what I had said I would say under any other circumstances other than a near death experience, I'm unsure, but that's not the question, is it? Oh, on an unrelated matter, Honolulu to Chicago? Gosh, wondering what I was doing there! (Is it weird if I am strangely anticipating this trip, in the most shallow sense possible?)

You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?
Oh, wow. Here's the thing, if it were my parents or anyone I care about, I'd want them to tell me but I, personally, wouldn't want to burden anyone with this. I'd reach out and be the better person I wish I could have been under normal circumstances, and I'd try to edge myself closer to people I know I should be closer to, but I can't tell them because who am I to worry someone that much? I'm no one, not to anyone, and so I'm not going to expect anything out of anybody. I don't want anyone to feel obligated to be anything to me that they normally aren't just because I'm going to die. That won't be fair. That's like asking for something I normally would never ask and just because I'm going to die, doesn't mean I'm going change the norm. I'm just a speck. As for what I'd do with my remaining days, I would increase my level of devotion to God and I think I'd just spend more time with my family. I'd call all my old friends who I used to be close to, I'd apologize, I'd draft a will, I'd write letters and I'll return things that I took or stole or forgot to give back to people. I'd give away all my things, my books and CDs and clothes. I'd sleep in my parents' room every night. I'd be so deathly afraid of death and I'd comfort myself by reading the Qur'an and reading Harry Potter and it's my life, you know. Those two things don't mix and I know that but this is my life. And I know how much death hurts and I know how much it affects the living so I won't take things lightly. I won't make a joke out of it. And, of course, being me, I'd probably cry about it every night until I can't breathe anymore.

You can have one of the following two things: love and trust. Which do you choose? Why? 
Wow, relevant to my life right now, much? I would choose trust. Because I've never had that before. I've never trusted anybody and I've never felt like anybody's trusted me. I think there was a short stretch of time, in Form 2 perhaps, in which I kind of trusted Maze and I kind of thought he trusted me as well and it was a nice couple of weeks, or maybe it lasted a few months, but then, of course, things came crumbling down and then there was absolutely no more trust between us and that's the thing. I've experienced love, I know what it's like, and I'm like saying it everyday, you know, "I love you." And I say it to so many people and I hear people say it so many times a day, and then there's my parents and the thing is that I really don't trust any of them and I don't really care at this point whether or not that's a good thing because I know it's not. At all. Love can exist without trust. And I'm assuming the likewise is possible as well. Since my life sucks right now, with people telling me that they love me and me telling people that I love them, I'd really like to find out how the flip side would be. What my life would be if instead of love, there was trust instead.

You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dog’s life?
You see, the once more there implies that I was once late before this and that's just whack because when I prioritize, I place punctuality at the top of the list. I may not do assignments on time or homework, or whatever, really, and I guess when I'm a big-shot earning asshole with a paycheck, I'd still be the same old little school girl who finishes work at the eleventh hour but one thing I'm pretty sure I always do is arrive at a place on time. 

But, no, I wouldn't save the dog's life. Not even if it were a cat, probably. 

You are unfaithful to your spouse/significant other. Do you tell him/her? Why or why not?
I don't know? Because I've never been in this position before? But... well, honestly, I don't think I would. I'm a liar, first and foremost and there's just so many things against revealing a secret such as this, so many things at stake, and I'm not sure I'm that type of person to take the gamble. Like I said, I don't trust people, so why would I trust someone to stay with me even though I've cheated on them? And on the other side of things, you know, positively, I'd like to say that I do hope I could man up and tell him/her. Oh, sorry, him. Would that be out of character for me? I think so. But if I'm ever put in this position, I hope I've grown up enough as person to realize what's the right thing to do. And in the first place, I really do no want to be the girl who goes around breaking hearts (nor do I particularly enjoy the option of being a woman scorned, but that's a story for another question).

Your friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more then just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you do/say?
I don't enjoy this question because from that person's end, things are so clear: they're in love with me but what about me? I have no idea how I feel or am supposed to feel in this situation. But look, here's the thing, so a friend of mine comes up to me and suggests that we start dating and I reciprocate the feelings, will I or won't I agree to start anything? I would. I mean, I already have, so... The fact that other person is a close, close friend, it really means a lot and like I said, tons of things at stake, but people come and go, a lot, in my life especially, so I'd take that chance and even if we weren't close, I'd still take that challenge. What have I got to lose? What's in my life right now that's on a precipice of pure and utter greatness and complete failure? Nothing much, sorry to say.

Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
Yeah. Because I believe that whenever I get hurt by someone because they haven't done something for me, something specific, the only reason I get hurt is because I know that I would have done that something and I would have done so much more for them. That's why I never really felt compelled to call Nisa out on whatever it is she has done to hurt me because I won't sacrifice anything for her, she won't for me, and so that friendship is fair on that level and I totally accept it. 

Does love equal sex?
No, it doesn't, because it's not like I don't think about sex, it's just that I've loved my fair share of people and I do not equate all of that with sex at all. And honestly sometimes what I really want from people is just a hug and maybe to bury my face into their neck and smell them. Because I generally tend to really like how certain people smell. It gets addictive after a while and it's a long story but that story doesn't serve the purpose of this question. Alas. 

When was the last time you told someone honestly how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person?
I don't remember. Actually that's a lie. I know exactly what it was, I know exactly when it was, I know exactly who it was and I knew what I said, or rather wrote, and it was difficult because I never wanted to be that person again. I never wanted to be the person who went around telling people about all of their flaws because fact of the matter is, when table's turned, I can't handle it. I can't handle the sharp comments or the jabs and on bad days, it's hard for me to accept concrit so I really hated being that person and I always will. Because last year I told you (and by you, I mean the person I'm talking about in regards to the question) something about you that I didn't like and you just stared at me blankly and I thought you understood but you didn't and what's worse is that you used all of the points I brought up about me, which were rather personal mind you, in another conversation, in a conversation that had nothing to do with me and you at all and yet you brought it up and you continued to bring it up instead of maybe confronting me about it. I have no idea why I thought you would have changed this year, why I thought maybe you would have grown a set or something but, you know, I should really list "being proven wrong" as a favorite past time of mine because as far as things go, it happens to me pretty often.

What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a friend, you love them or that you do not love them back?
I'm pretty cold, pretty much, I don't care about other people, mostly I just care about how they care about me, so I'll have to say the first one because I don't do that often. Even if I say I love a friend of mine, it could just be a throwaway comment, because I firmly believe that words don't mean much, as far as uttered words go. Written words are different and don't ask me to explain why but they are. It's just that I could say so many things to a person and they could all mean "I love you" but it would never truly mean that, in that sense, in the sense that people equate those three words with. Telling someone I don't love them back, what does that even mean? Would it lower other people's self-esteem? Well perhaps, but in the long-run it might not mean anything at all. I know I'm rambling, I realize that. I just, I just choose the first thing.

What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?
Sarcasm. I don't know, people ask me about this, you know, it's not like they don't. And other people, it's not like they're not good at sarcasm and it's not like they don't apply it in certain situations but for me, it's harder, and a lot more difficult to switch off because I think this is my default setting? I am automatically tuned up to sarcastic all the time. And sometimes I try to be less so because my type of sarcasm is kind of catty sometimes, some might say it's uncalled for or inappropriate or whatever, really, whatever floats your boat. Zaza told me once that she's learning to be sarcastic and I just can't help but remember what Chris said, about sarcasm coming from a bad place. It's like a defense mechanism, I guess you could say. Some people say it's a defense to ward off all the idiots of world but for me, it's more like... I need something. I need something out of people and I usually don't get it so I can't do anything about that, can I? I can't do anything except answer back as sarcastically as I can.

Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them? Who were they to you?
Yesterday, when all my friends sang Chris Colfer happy birthday with me, I told all of them that I loved them. I love them. And you know, days like those, when it feels like all the pieces are falling right where you want them to, where you need them to, they don't happen often and I enjoy the fact that I could celebrate something that really means a lot to me with these people who have never made me feel special before and they did, in that moment; they made me feel like, all right, so the world sucks every other day but on Chris's birthday, on Chris's birthday the Sun was going to shine and all of my friends were going to be the type of friends that I needed them to be. And I can't stop smiling so thanks for this question.

Imagine: it is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. Who do you wish was there with you?
Maze.

Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not?
No, I would not. Honestly, I am not a person of action. If ever put in such a position I would be so shocked, I would be rendered motionless, like literally petrified, and unable to move a muscle so I'm probably not the person people would turn to in such an event. On the other end of the question, I also do not know how to perform CPR. Fancy that.

You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your reason for making the decision?
Honestly, I'd let go of the newborn. My grandmother deserves a better death than falling over a cliff and even if that death was more bloody or more painful or whatever, I really couldn't care less because she's my grandmother. Who is that newborn, anyway? I don't even know whether it's a guy or a girl and I don't know whether that child could develop the cure for cancer or become the next Adolf Hitler. I don't know all of those things. All I know is that if given a chance, if given the opportunity, and if given the grace of God to be able to do something for my grandmother at that precarious time, I'd want her to die with people she loved around her. Not down a cliff, not with me letting go of her hand to save someone I don't even know.

Are you old fashioned?
What a cute little question and I'll answer it to the best of my knowledge: no, I am not. I hate it when people are old fashioned, actually. Not because I hate old-fashioned customs but I honestly do think that the world moves, people move; the world literally spins and it revolves and it evolves and it's not going to wait for anyone, so you should catch up. If the old fashioned morals are better than the ones developed today, it's not a matter of going back, it's a matter of readapting current morals into better ones. I believe I'm not old fashioned and sometimes I wish I could stand up straight, look a person in the eyes and tell them that I believe in the right things but as it stands, everything now's just really, really all over the place and what was once a valid and normal moral value have changed significantly.

When was the last time you were nice to someone and did not expect anything in return for it?
Um, this is a rare occasion and since it's so rare, I'd make a wild guess and wager that never. I've never done this before. The only reason I'm nice to someone is so that I can gain something from them and while, admittedly, most of the time, the only thing I'm expecting to gain from them is a sense of satisfaction at having done a good deed, to me, that still counts as something.

Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why?
Never loved at all. I could spend all my life looking at happy couples and half of them would still end up breaking up at one point. I'd rather not experience love at all if I knew that I would get hurt in the end. But as it stands, as reality stands, it's all up in the air, up to God. I don't know what will happen if I fall in love today, but as usual, that's not what was questioned here, was it?

If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be?
This is so stupid because I know that in my heart right now, I'm wishing for something so stupid and so selfish but I can't help it. I'll give my surface answer, though, this may be my second choice or whatever, it's just not my first but since that's a bit too personal, I'll leave you with this one: I wish that everyone fell in love with who they are supposed to love and that there was no confusion in the world and that everyone can just live their lives, fall in love with people they're supposed to and the rest, as they say, is history.

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