The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Tabula Rasa

I'm really sorry about this post. I've just been really unwell lately and the best part is, aside from my parents, no one really seems to care. Not that I expected everyone to bring me get well cards or flowers, but I at least expected a little consideration. I haven't had any energy in the past three days and everyone still strives to make my life a living hell. 

Like I said, exams were frustrating because I was angry. I was angry because of all these things that were happening around me, all of these things that weren't in my control, and I tried my hardest to bring them back into my circle of control, I tried my damnedest to harness everything and anything I can and just do my best but no one, not a single person, was willing to cooperate with me. I made amends. I texted people saying good luck, saying I'm sorry, saying things I've wanted to say to their faces but didn't have the guts to, and no one even bothered to text me back. 

Wednesday was a rough day. Straight after the second Maths paper, Nisa was crying. I felt like crying myself but I was praying so so so hard at that point that my answers would be legitimately accepted. History, as well. After History, I literally said "I quit", which I regret now because I understand that it's never about what I did, it's about what I'm going to do next. 

For me, the concept of hypocrisy is warped. It used to be crystal clear, it used to be sharp, but now I realize that it isn't. Hypocrisy is when someone does something that they don't believe in. But now I believe that there's a slight chance they could have completely changed what they believe in from then to now. So if you read this post and start thinking that I've done some of the things I'm going to rant about, it's not that I'm being a big fat hypocrite. I've changed from then. This is now. 

Friday, well. Here's the thing, I know how I write, I know my limits, and I know that when it comes to tone and being generally visceral about things, I suck, and plus I feel like puking any minute now so I might have to take a break and that might disrupt the flow of my writing but whatever happens, I'll try my best to write because like I thought yesterday during the Importance of Using Proper English talk, I'm a writer, not just someone who can write. 

So the papers on Friday, compared to the days before that (well, compared to Wednesday actually) were comparatively easy and I finished them off with relative ease. Of course I was worried because once everyone started grouping around discussing answers (which is a disgusting habit actually - on Wednesday, I couldn't take it anymore and decided to check my History paper and that led to a two hour crying slash procrastinating period. Two hours I could have used to study Geography instead.) my head started playing tricks on me and my heart started jumping around. 

I changed into my prefects t-shirt straight after and went to the PR to grab my things. Got pissed at my mother because she was late. Oh, wait, backstory time. As many should know, I'm notorious for losing things. So the night before while I was packing, I couldn't find my earphones. And that led to me looking for and not being able to locate the NiE templates. And all of that led to me having one of the biggest fight in the history of ever with Maze, so rest assured, I went to sleep crying. So my mother came and I told her to scour the house for the templates and everything and if I had known what was in store for me for the next few days, I would have hugged the living hell out of her. Instead I just hugged her one-armed and gave her a quick kiss. 

People say these kinds of experiences are "unforgettable", "indescribable". Last year's camp was indescribable for me because I went through something really hard emotionally. But it was personal thing, something that involved only me and one other oblivious person. Camp last year, for me, was really just the start of the Big Evolution. So I can just say, I can throw this out there and have everyone accept it and take what I've given them at face value: this camp is indescribable so I won't do it any injustice by trying to describe it. But here's the thing: someone's got to do it. 

I won't go into specifics, though. We'll leave that to my still unwritten camp report. 

Why did I force myself to go to Blue House practice yesterday? Why did I decide to be group leader for NiE again this year when last year ended in tears and pain and me hurting a lot of people and a lot of other people hurting me? I just have this to say, to the camp facilitators, I applaud you, on my feet, on my hands, knees, what have you, for doing something nobody, NOBODY has ever done before. And that's change my mind. No one's ever done that before. Trust me, I should know. My mother's stubborn, my Dad's stubborn. It's in the family. I hold onto what I believe in near and dear and I've never let them go before. 

Like I said to Divyia and Hanna. During camp, I just pretended that everything's not happening to me. I didn't have the chance to shower at all, fine, that's not happening to me, it's happening to someone else. I've only got three minutes to change and I've barely got a minute to eat, fine by me, because it's not happening to me. It's like I tied my real self like a balloon to my body and the whole time I'm just floating on up there, watching whatever's going on happen and I was all set to go through the entire three days two nights like that. It's safe. It protects me emotionally and physically. Untouchable. After the Rebutan Kasih on the first night, Divyia handed me a piece of paper during supper that said "still up there?" and I answered with "half and half". It was the truth, I didn't lie. I cried a little bit but it felt very shallow, even to me. It was the kind of forced tears that I get when I feel pressured to cry. I'm not heartless. I'm not oblivious. I'm not. 

When I cry, I cry alone. I've always made that a thing for me. I don't cry for people in front of them, I don't cry for anything heavy in front of anyone. Like that one time I went to camp in Standard 4 and the facilitators were talking about our parents and what would have happened if they died. I didn't cry. And I honestly can't say I know why but a few days later, a few days after that camp, I was minding my own business in the shower and I just broke down. So much harder than I've ever done before. And Saturday night, well, Sunday morning, it was like that. It was like do first, think later, a situation I, personally, have never been put in. Even though I don't consciously think first, it's always there. My brain has never been put to the backburner before and while the things that I do think aren't necessarily correct or even half past useful, I still think first. I'll think, how will crying really help the situation? How will crying accomplish anything other than bring down barriers I've worked hard at putting up? 

It won't help, if you think about it. It accomplishes nothing, if you think about it. But, um, it did accomplish something. That thing I said up there, about them changing my mind? It's never happened before. Before that I still held firm, a job is a job and teamwork simply meant different people doing their job without hassling anyone else. And while that part of me is still there, the part that says, "It's not my fault, it's yours", there's also another part that's not really dominating, but just sort of there, growing, a part that says "It's your fault but I'll go down with you", and who knows, maybe it'll become stronger over time, or maybe it might even diminish down into nothing if I don't play my cards right. Deep down, I might resent them, just the tiniest bit, for making me weaker now, for making me just like everyone else now, for ruining something I've been building for years, because my principles? The pillars upon which I lead my everyday life? I've been working on them from the day I said goodbye to that toxic four year friendship with Farhana. I've never looked back because I didn't have a reason to. 

There's so many things behind what others do, what I choose to do, that can only be explained away using the deepest psychological terms so I won't go into that. People say that camp this year was life changing, eye opening. I just think it succeeded in doing something I never for the life of me thought would ever happen. 

And I got home and my Dad found the NiE templates, and I found my earphones, and I was literally shaking like jelly because I could barely move any of my limbs, and I did my homework, and told my Dad what went on during camp and he cried and I felt like crying too because (I can't continue this sentence). I thought that camp managed to change the way I think about certain things. I got home and yesterday, I realized I was wrong. 

Camp ruined me. It tore me down to my foundation, it scrubbed me raw and clean of everything I ever held onto. Now I'm just a clean slate and that's why I've been so irritated for the past few days. That's why I've been so bipolar. Think about it. When I think of myself, one of the first few things that pops into mind is "doesn't care for anyone but herself" and now that that's gone, now that that's changed, what's left? 

I attended Blue House practice, regardless of the fact that I'm in the throes of a three-day stomach ache extravaganza. I did all my homework on time, without complaints. I was actually grateful to Puan Mashitah for giving us those types of questions for Maths because I needed that. We all did. I haven't read fanfiction since camp. I... I don't know how to say this but here goes: I don't ship Klaine anymore. And everything that happened in the past doesn't matter anymore. It doesn't matter if I used to ship it because I thought that their journey mirrored something I went through last year, it doesn't matter if I was happy for them in Original Songs because it was pure and dirty wish fulfillment, it doesn't matter that I chose to ship them even though I cried so hard after Prom Queen because it was so disappointing. I tried to let go of Chris, too, but I couldn't. But I know I'm going to have to someday. 

I just have this to say to some people. It doesn't matter if I have changed my mind a billion times in the last five days, blank slate that I am, you guys have just managed to annoy me so, so much. This is the part that I'm sorry for. I'm also sorry if some of my readers don't understand this. It is genuinely none of my concern.

I've had it up to here with you people, you fucking dumbass people, yang tak pandai bersyukur, yang tak pandai berterima kasih, yang tak pandai berfikir sikit pun, datang sekolah baik jadi sampah je. Rugikan duit ibu bapa, rugikan usaha guru-guru, rugikan kertas, rugikan oksigen, orang hantar ke sekolah nak suruh belajar, nak suruh berfikir, sikit tu pun tak boleh baik mati je. Baik duduk kat rumah jadi surirumah, jadi orang gaji. Tak payah nak rugikan masa dan tenaga orang lain. All right, so maybe I am mad at just that one thing, but it's the same for other people as well. Tuhan, Tuhan kau ke Tuhan mana-mana sekalipun, dah kurniakan otak secantik-cantik otak untuk kau, bukan otak haiwan pun, otak manusia, ada akal fikiran boleh berfikir, tu pun tak nak guna apa guna bangun tidur? Apa gunanya nak pergi sekolah pun? Kertas buku kau, kertas peperiksaan kau tu baik bagi kat orang yang nak belajar, baik tinggalkan je dekat pokok tu. Kalau dekat kawan sendiri pun tak pandai nak berterima kasih, kau pergi berterima kasih dekat cikgu tu, dekat ibu bapa sendiri tu, mana ada ikhlas pun. Sebab dah dari mula-mula tak pandai bersyukur. 

Yang Alisya tu, I already told her, I got 48/60 for Maths and she wouldn't believe me. I showed her my paper and she wouldn't show me hers. I wanted to see her answers, you know, the ones that she got correct since she got fifty-something but she honestly didn't want to show me her paper. Apa pula lah banyak sangat silap sampai sebanyak silap yang I dah buat? I got 48, she got fifty-something. What the fuck is that? Sampai nak tunjuk kertas tu pun nak malu? To me, nampak sangat macam tak bersyukur. Dah dapat tinggi okay macam tu tolong lah orang lain. Be grateful dah dapat okay macam tu nak pula kata "no, no, it's terrible". Macam... it's like so ungrateful, you know? Malu nak dengar.

People ask me what I got and I say, it's terrible, and they say, "Oh, I bet it's good lah". Okay, listen, the next person who says this to me, I am going to slap you. I don't care. Sebab I tak pernah tipu. If I got something good enough to get an A, I'll say it, but if I didn't, I'll say it. Jangan nak pandai-pandai buat macam I ni seorang penipu, seorang yang tak pandai bersyukur, Allah dah bagi markah yang boleh dapat A pun, I nak go around telling people that markah I ni teruk sangat, because I am not that kind of person. Yang kau nak pergi lawan cakap I tu buat apa? My marks, I tahu lah. Yang kau nak pergi runtuhkan my semangat lagi; you think that just because you say something like that, something like "Oh, it's you, I bet you did good", I should be happy because you believe in me? Malu tau, bila dengar orang cakap macam tu lepas tu tengok dekat my own paper, markah rendah semacam. Macam you want me to feel bad about myself, is that it? You want me to cry, you want me to feel ashamed?

I know my marks are less than satisfactory this time around. I know I memang, memang merosot. But I'll do better next time. I'll beat all of you next time. You want to feel sorry for me this time around, go ahead. You want to rejoice in your own achievements, go head. But don't go around making it seem as if I'm a liar. Nisa pun seorang lagi. Tak pandai nak berterima kasih. Dah berkat tuah daripada Allah dapat A untuk Seni sikit pun, tak datang to me, the person who spent the last few extra minutes before the Arts paper tolong you, tolong Nina, tolong sedikit sebanyak pun sampai you boleh dapat A, dapat tahu I dapat B, all you can say is, "Oh"? Ya Allah, macam ni lah you dengan mummy ayah kau kan? Dah tolong banyak banyak lepas tu bila you berjaya, your parents tak, you "oh" je? Bagus sangat lah tu kan. I dah suruh buat something pun, cari the To Serve With Love, thing tu, you tak buat pun, I nak suruh you cari Puan Gohilah lepas tu pun nak buat muka. Like, seriously? I know I didn't tell you about the homework and all but that's just because I knew you would have time to do it that day. Science notes, right? It's not like it's not due on Wednesday.

Don't even get me started on Blue House practice, don't even get me started on Pri. Don't even get me started on those people on Tumblr who use their brains even worse than animals do. Like I said, I'm at an empty slate right now. Whatever it is people do to annoy me, that's going to be the basis upon which I build my new character.

Tapi nak buat apa? Ni lah hakikatnya. Fitrah manusia, dilahirkan dah macam ni, nak buat apa? Ada akal, tak nak fikir. Ada telinga tak nak dengar. Ada hati, tak nak guna.

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