The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

still i must obey, still i must invite

Often we fight so hard that I forget what it's actually about. I don't know. I'm just afraid that if I try to talk to you about why we fight in the first place, then it would lead to another fight and that's just bullshit because then it'd be a chain of pointless fights and I would be at fault. I would be the instigator. And I can't do that, not with the knowledge that everything's so precarious anyways. I tried talking to Hel about this, though, and she said the exact same thing I've always thought. When it's good it's really good, when it's bad it's really bad.

Anyways, onto other matters, things have been pretty cool lately. Especially considering I'm now pretty sure I'm no longer in love with anyone other than who I'm supposed to be in love with. You know, quite. But it has to be said that I'll forever sort of love all of them, each in their own little way.

Well, she texted me asking if we could hang out during holidays and while I highly doubt that's going to happen, I for one would like to take this opportunity to say that I'm happy for her if she's happy. The only thing I'm kind of mad about is the fact that she's apparently been going through a tough time and she thinks she's got no one but really, you know I'd be there for her in a heartbeat. That's what I meant the other time when I said how could you say you'd be there for someone when you know you absolutely won't. Can't. Whichever. She'll never let me in, but then again I guess we're even on that.

Also I told Pri about my problem about her problem with confronting things. Since I sent her that "can't we just do it properly this time?" text, or you know, something like that, and she didn't reply and so during camp, we had to write letters to people so I wrote one to her saying that she's a big fat conflict avoider and the best part is she didn't even say a fucking thing and then I checked her phone and in her drafts there's this text to me but it was completely empty and I've been avoiding her all week except yesterday.

I can't. But I always do. So it's like, fine, you know, in every single situation I'll always be the one who cares more, I'll always be the one to make all the effort, and I'll always be the one willing to die for other people. Fine. It's fine. I'm fine.

No idea why I've been listening to so much music that I don't like lately. Time to do some deleting, I guess. And objectively this is so much better than that time when I went an entire week listening to Fleetwood Mac after Glee's prom episode.

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