The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Second to Everything

I'm in a weird place right now. I'm in a weird position right now. It's like this mostly. How I feel, it's like this.

I have no clue whether I’m scared. Or whether I’m not scared. Or whether I’m scared because I’m not scared. Or maybe there’s this other layer buried a little deeper down that’s actually scared but there’s all these other layers of not scared, scared, not scared and scared on top of it. I have no clue. No clue what I'm doing. I just pretend like I do. 

Mostly I think I want to be alone all the time. Most of the times. I mean, I can tolerate people, one of the things I've learned to at least try to do, and I succeed in the mornings when the burden and slow drag of the day hasn't kicked in yet and I'm nice for the most part when people are nice to me because I've never been any less than fair. But then you come around a lot and just generally pester me with calls and make the best brownies on a stick (like what even are those, anyways?) I've ever had the rapturous pleasure to taste and did I mention the calls? Yeah, so I'm assuming that nothing happened on Thursday and life goes on. 

Except it doesn't. Except it's always been this same, circular argument over and over again and it's always going to be two people who are too scared to do anything that might possibly jeopardize what they have that they've just not realized that it's high time to move. The world's moving and we're not. Time's moving but I'm not. And I'm always going to want to be this person, who's so desperate for someone to say "hey, you know what? Out of everyone else, I choose you", who's always so keen to appear eager just because for once, I'd like to come first. Because I put you first. I always have and I don't know why people doubt that and I don't know why just because I have the audacity to be this cold and emotionally distant that I don't have the capacity to put anyone above my own selfish self. 

They say it's impossible to love more than one person at a time. But you know what? It's not even like that. It's the fact that I love them a lot, too much, actually, if I sit down to think about it, but not in the same way. It's the same as in, I'll go to the ends of the Earth for you. It's the same as in, I'd give up studying just to allocate all the time that I've got to daydream about you. It's the same as in, I dream about you. And it's the same as in, I'm not going to hell for you. But it's different. Because I want such different things from different people. I want you to realize that I suck and I want you to admit it to yourself because it's been a long time coming. I want you to realize that it's just a game, a stupid game and I'm just scared of so many things that I don't want to talk to you for fear of you not understanding me. I want you to just call me, you know, once or twice, every now and then, just to hear your voice. And I want you to just stop pushing him in my face, in my life because I don't care - I'm as happy as happy can be for her, but the same can't be said for you. 

I just want to stop living in constant fear that you'll leave me, because one obviously doesn't care enough to fight for me, two's already left and three's just rubbing salt into the wound.
[Sent] "if you like me then I love but if you don't make the effort than I'm not going to care"
[Sent] what happened to that girl?
[Received] she died last year.
Friday was such an angry day. And to think that a week from then, six days from now in fact, I'm going to have to go through prefects camp. It's been a year then. It's like official. It's been a year since I cried for you because of you, a year since you made the stupidest promise ever especially considering both you and I knew you won't keep it. A year since we officially became friends. 

And you know with D, it's like I'd never trade any of that for anything because it's like water through fingers, it's gone and it's long gone and I'm fine as fine as I possibly could be. But with you? I just get angry because we've been through this, dozens of times, and I'm wondering what more do you want me to say? It's not about space because it's never been about space. It's about... it's just a game. 

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