The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Dream A Little Dream

I'm so stuck. I can't even write. I am just stuck. My heart still aches something terrible and my mind's pounding and the usually comforting sounds of the computer's keyboard irritates me. I am just so tired. I just want to stop doing this to myself because it's not worth it. Was it ever worth it in the first place? Of course not. It never was. I'm doing all this for nothing and I don't even know why and how I let this, all of this, tie into my happiness and I don't even want to think about why and how I could have let it happen. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that this is going to be my life. This is the only thing I'm living for, practically. 

Right up there with food and oxygen. I wish I could tell her I love her everyday but I can't, knowing that a few typed out words won't mean anything because that's all it's ever going to be, a few typed out words. And now that I'm admitting things as freely as freedom goes, why not drop the other shoe? Why wait? And the more pressing question of all, why me? 

I wish I could tell him that this can't possibly be my fault. But I know it is. 

Let's give up together. Let's just put on a face, whatever face, and shut the outside world out. 

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