The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Don't You (Forget About Me)

So it hurts this bad to let go of something. Now I know. Now I realize. I've never let go of anything ever before. I might say things, that don't mean anything at all, things like "now that that's behind me", things like that and so many other words, they all don't mean anything. Now I know. It hurts so much. 

I'm not going to go into it, I'm not giving out details and I don't even care at the end of the day, because I know that this isn't an impact to anyone but myself. I let it get this far and I'm shouldering the blame, I'm paying the price. It started out late last year, sometime in November, perhaps, and I was happy to do it, happy to follow along because maybe that was expected of me. This year, everything from top to bottom, start to finish, was just my very own personal mirror and for that, I'm grateful, because not only did I get to relive some of the better parts of last year, I got to do it with two of the most amazing people I have never met. And I've learned so much from this! And I've met so many new people! And just like Harry Potter has been a huge impact on my life, this has left an imprint, too, no matter how small or how little, it's an impact. I've learned so much and I'm grateful. 

I just knew it had to end somewhere but I never really knew where that somewhere was. It's here. The time has come and I'm ready to let go. I've been crying a whole lot but this is the right thing. I'm doing the right thing. I believe that, and God knows I'm doing the right thing so at the end of the day, I stand by my decision. You may laugh and say this is a trivial matter, you may laugh and say that the life I'm leading is a petty one but you don't know how this feels and I honestly feel sorry for those who don't. You want solidarity? Then this is the place to go to, these are the people you need to meet. You think that real life experiences are the only things that are going to prepare you for the future? This counts too. 

I'll still do fanfiction, just some of my favorite authors, although I'll avoid NC-17 if I can help it now, there's just no point anymore, and I'll still participate. I'll still be here. 

I'd say bye but I wouldn't want to offend anyone.

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