The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011


You know, it's not so bad to just give up. It can't be that bad anyway. Today is what I would like to call a bad morning. Bad mornings are when nobody answers your phone calls or replies to your text messages, when I try to figure out how to play three different songs on the piano and gave up on all of them in turn, and when it feels like there's a million and one things to be done but I have no slightest inclination to get on with any of it. 

So I've been watching Daria and stalking people. Locking myself in my room and singing along to show tunes all yesterday morning. Reading magazines and starting collages I will soon give up on. It's a come and go sort of life, one I'm not too fond of because nothing stays, nothing's quite so concrete, and I'm just bored really. I'm waiting for something to move but of course the only thing standing stationary is myself. 

So I've been rereading John Green. Writing up short essays and blanching at how horribly I string words together. Forgot to mention to my Dad to buy some seriously important school related essentials, forgetting homework and forgetting to check up on when blue house are having aerobics practices during the holidays. 

I remember how rude the blue house leaders were to some of the people who said they were going away for the holidays. Excuse you, I understand the need to blame the people going on vacation, you know, the people who decided to put their family first before their blue house "family" but saying something like, "Then you can just stay there until June" is kind of rude. Actually, it's just the epitome of rude, because in case nobody noticed, school sucks. If my parents weren't all over the place, I'd ask for a vacation too. Not that I'm all that important to blue house or anything. I don't run or whatever. This has been an opinionated paragraph. 

So I've been reading fanfiction, despite the fact that I really don't feel anything anymore. I think it's probably for the best, actually, for things to die out as organically as possible. If only more good HP fanfiction would just pop up and then I'd be all set. I really miss my HP fanfiction days. They seemed so faraway. I haven't read anything with a British slang in ages.

So there's rock bottom, fifty feet o' crap, and then me.

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