The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Close Enough to Start A War

Hey hi thanks so much for yesterday. I feel slightly better after that. Well, better as in I was more optimistic as a whole, but not better as in I forgive people for whatever offense they have committed on my behalf. I don't think I'll ever let this one go. It's like, fine, all right, I understand you've already formed your views of me and you think you know me and can predict my actions or the thoughts behind my actions but to be honest, I'm in the process of trying to change and everyone's just in my way and I really need them to fucking move.

But anyways. I spent the whole day educating people on what an important day tomorrow is: Chris Colfer’s birthday. And I’m so happy that everyone just humored me even if they didn’t know who he is or don’t watch Glee, even if they got his name wrong and even if it took them a long time to figure it out. And I’m so happy for those close friends of mine who guessed on the first try of my “guess what day it is tomorrow?” question and those who bothered to tell other people when I ask them. I’ve been really annoyed at all my friends lately but when they get it right boy do they get it right. Too bad they’re not getting it right for me but whatever.

In regards to my abysmal results this time around, here's the verdict. It's fair as far as fair goes. To be honest, I don't know why Encik A. went up to me personally to tell me I have become worse because I think I did a pretty good job. Other than the fact that I broke up my words into two lines and the somewhat crappy job I did on the first part but other than that. I got 37 over 40 for the first paper, for God's sake. I've never achieved that before. And I don't care, I'm proud of it. And I'm proud of all my papers, too (except for that one question for Science - I honestly hope to never make that mistake ever, ever again), and given the chance, I'm not redoing them. Nope. You can argue that because my marks dropped, I'm not "smart" anymore, but I used to tell myself this a lot last year and it's like during my laser sharp focus on straight A's for PMR, I've forgotten about it, but I would like to bring it up again: it really doesn't matter what a piece of paper tells me. Being smart is knowing you're smart, and no piece of paper could sway me to think otherwise, because I'm bigger than a midyear exam, and I'm better than that. As long as I persevere. As long as I never give up. 

And I know I keep giving up on this and starting again and really, it won't surprise me at all if I come begging on my knees some other day but for now, once again, I'd like to say I'm done. If ever I hope to go back to being that person, I want myself to read this post again and again and realize that it's not worth it. True, I'm not going to hell for anyone, but what does it even matter, what kind of sacrifice is it even, if she won't even talk to me? Build bridges, they say, and don't burn them. Be nice to people, they say, and be honest as well. Well, I've made all the effort. I've done what I should do in this friendship. You just fucking haven't. 

As Kurt Hummel said, "I have done everything right." 

You have not. 

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