The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

you're entertained by lesser things

Ugh fuck you're so freaking eloquent man. And sorry if whatever I wrote painted you in the wrong light because I honestly don't think before I write just like I don't think before I say. And thanks for reading and stuff because apart from well two other of my friends I've never actually said anything to anyone and both of them are Chinese so I don't really know if they understand the religion aspect of it all. Last year I was sort of coasting on well love or maybe it was infatuation what have you but now that I'm more grounded this year I've noticed this whole religion aspect to it all and you did make sense, you put the words perfectly together. Mostly I'm just not all that comfortable because I have people like Nadiah and Nisa and Hanna as my close "friends" and I guess I could somewhat call them confidants and a) Nadiah tries to understand but you can tell there's the underlying current of "uh, but you're going to hell" to every nod and she's a self proclaimed anti-anything that's not by the books, b) Nisa is such a pain because she doesn't really pray or she's not really good at being pious, she's just sort of up herself sometimes. I honestly don't know where she developed her brand of homophobia but after watching Original Songs with her, she asked me (vis a vis Klaine) "so are they together now?" and I said "YEAH" and she said "Aw, that's so cute" but then every time I touch her, she flinches away. I think she's like that with everyone but I just find it hilarious that she'd judge me for this of all things and let TV characters slip away with it. c) Hanna's okay but she's a big ball of dumb and she says the most ignorant things sometimes and she's not like Pri, she's not a pushover or a doormat, she doesn't take things lying down so whenever I make comebacks, she'll just double up her ignorant comebacks.

I've never really had a problem with advocating or shunning gay rights. The fact that those out and proud and sometimes even simply accused people are being treated worst than animals (mentally, physically, emotionally) makes me certain that it isn't wrong to fight for rights for them. Some kids are already repulsed by the idea but as a kid, I've never really been that. 'Cause like you said, we're all made of the same stuff. We're all going to be judged by God anyway so we're all really in the same boat. But it wasn't until last year that I just don't know started to really confront it. Yeah I don't know how to end this but thanks for listening anyways! :)

Elia's response.

No need to apologize :) I get that one won't know another's view on things until you hear what they have in their head. But I'm glad I replied to your thing, cause it actually makes me feel better. Typing things out/saying them out loud makes me feel more grounded, makes me feel better. And I'm glad it's you who I said it to because I think if I tried to express it to some others I don't think they would have accepted it as you have. As for your friends, they're different. To each their own, they're all just making their way through this life here to get to the hereafter. Like how Nadiah thinks that following rules by the books is a surefire way of staying out of hell, but then I don't think it works that way. But then again, in some ways maybe this is her way of making sure she gets herself to Heaven. Cause at the end of the day, we're all alone with God. No one's gonna be there and vouch for us. Y'know? But anyway I should thank YOU for listening! I don't know if I've said this enough before, but if anything happens, you do know I'll be here for you. I won't say forever cause that doesn't even exist in anything. But for as long as I hope for, I'll be here for you alright? Talking to you makes me feel better. Cause you're one of the only ones that care to even talk about these things :)

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