The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Time

It always sucks to know that while others are pushing, you're pulling back. Some days are just fraught with emotions, I guess, and I should've guessed, what with the way today started, that that euphoric high wasn't going to last. It's a cautionary tale, one I should've learned the lesson to many times over. I'd like to dedicate this post to everyone reading, because I feel like there's something I've wanted to say for a long time but I just haven't had the guts to say it? 

I wouldn't say school is stressing because it's not. It's not even the number one concern in my life. I get home, I'm so tired and I just sleep the day off because I know that free time's not a constant I can fully enjoy. Why, just yesterday, I was anticipating a day full of chilling and studying but then my mother reminded me I had an orthodontist appointment and then Nisa came over afterwards to work on some stuff we've been... working on. And the result was that my teeth hurts, I ate nothing but soup and I made an even bigger mess out of my room. I promised myself no fanfiction but honestly? It's the one thing that's keeping me happy lately and I don't really want to take that away from myself. I think that would just be stupid. I know I said if I could read fanfiction, then I definitely could study but how can I muster up the will to study when I don't even want to wake up in the morning? 

When I oversleep, that's usually a sign that something's not right. I woke up forty-five minutes late on Thursday morning. The whole week's been a flurry of no classes, oral presentations, horrible History and MPPH practice, which I'm not even involved in but God knows it affects every single one of the students. Tomorrow, I'm forced to come solely due to the fact that I have to replace people. Due to that single fact. It doesn't take much for me to hate school, admittedly, but they're really just asking for it. 

And then there's that whole... thing. And every time I think about it, I can't help but be reminded of the fact that I didn't get my stupid happy ending because I don't want it, anyways; no matter how much I think I want it, I want to go to heaven more. I want to be a good person and on some admittedly rare occasions, I do try to be nice. Not often, sure, but given the fact that I've been restraining myself a little lately with the sarcasm, I think it's safe to call that progress. Of course, just like with that other thing that lasted around about four years, if given the opportunity, if the phone call comes, if the horizon brightens, I would think about it a lot and I might even make the mistake of saying yes. But that's just me, being delusional, and I don't want to be that girl who thinks the world owes her something. 

It's true that I am still not over that whole thing. It's true that it drives me nuts that I have to be reminded of that everyday because of my very own supposed best friend. And it's true that I have transferred nearly all (if not all) of my affections to someone else and that too is messing up my head. But regardless of all of that, I don't wish anything, you know. I know I think about it too much and dream too little but at the end of the day, I am content. As content as it gets. 

Which brings us to the next problem. I too am facing difficulties being in this position, being who I am, but I am not in any way, shape or form burdening you at all. I know it's critically and undoubtedly unfair of me to say all of this because at the start of the day, you have every right, it's true, but I don't want to fight about this because it's not worth it. She's not worth it. It's like the 'could've been' cracked in half that day, and my life and her life was forever separated. So we can be happy, in our own ways. I can be happy, but you've really got to meet me halfway here because I am not going to let go of this too fast. I don't want to be Captain Obvious in this situation but you've got self-esteem issues that I would work on if I were you. 

I can't imagine myself enjoying anything right now. Nadiah said she has lost the zest for life. While I've never really had one before, at least not particularly, I can attest to the fact that it's a horrible feeling, everyone's letting you down and whatever advice and reassurances you tell yourself is worth shit because at the end of the day, you are going to be lying down on that stupid bed of yours and dream about things you shouldn't be dreaming about all because of some stupid hole you've managed to dig for myself in your hour of weakness. 

They say that you should make the best out of the time you have on Earth because it's limited. Time is gold and you can't turn back the clock. I say overdose on caffeine, go to bed and fall dead asleep. 

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