The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Packing Punches

I've come to the rather fair conclusion that I'm going to have to deal with all of this on my own. It's not like I think there's absolutely no one out there who has the capacity to handle all that I have to say because I know that there are probably truckloads. It's more that for right now, with the people that I am actively trying to connect with, they... well, they have got problems of their own and I don't know whether this is me boring them to tears with my everyday woe is me or whether this is just me making too much of a big deal out of a, well, a relatively big deal. 

It's not that you guys didn't try to help, nor is it the fact that you didn't manage to help. You did. I just still don't quite see what I'm supposed to be seeing. Like, I know, at this point, too far gone, right? And I'll probably never see the elusive truth, and I'll never hear what I want to hear and people will never make me feel the way I want them to make me feel. Fight it or embrace it, I'm still going to be here. Stuck. 

You think that God doesn't love you? It's not true. It's the most amazing and terrifying thing ever, actually, to realize how much power he exerts over everyone. I mean like EVERYONE in the entire world, and right now there's billions and before this, they were billions and God is still managing all of that and just think about that, all right? From where I stand, I'm going to be eternally grateful because after all these times, I still realize things. You don't believe in coincidences because there are none. They're just signs from Him. 

Monday wasn't an entirely bad day considering I enjoyed myself during YE. The start of the new timetable and History comes straight after Assembly (which was kind of all right, actually, since I think I, as an individual prefect, did a bang up job) (or something like that) so cue the... oh, I can't do this. I had a really mean joke up my sleeve but I really can't. I've just been extra sensitive with these things lately. Not with, you know, the things that I say, because I usually only ever tease and joke around with my closest friends so there's no worries there, but about the things that I write. I don't particularly think I should start being nice all out of the Goddamn blue, but I'll backspace if the attack gets too personal. I'll try to do that from now on. Anyways, yeah, so recess was so and so and I still have the old timetable stuck in my head so I have no idea what came after recess. I think we learned something in every single subject, though. And after school was YE. I had to rush around like a fool to finish Transferring because I had started doing it on Friday for 2D but then they announced that we're supposed to do the new classes. I think I was super late for Drama because I had my Dad drive me over to McDonald's but really other than working on a few side things and going through scripts, it was a pretty chill time.
I would love to do Next to Normal and I think Kurt would campaign for an all male cast of Wicked... which I'm pretty sure I'd consider doing too, not gonna lie. -Chris Colfer. 
Also I can't remember what happened that night but I think that's okay. Tuesday started off with BM, which wasn't bad but kind of weird because we didn't have any BM before recess prior to the timetable change. After, we had History and I will once again refrain from making an offensive joke. PE was actually fun even though I missed our old teacher. Played handball which was, you know, something I've definitely never played before but it actually wasn't bad without Miss Foo's supervision. I even got to catch and throw the ball and shit. I don't think we warmed up or maybe cooled down properly because my body hurts like a bitch today. That was skipping past a few things too fast. After PE was Maths and we're doing formulae now and I absolutely hate it. But don't tell Algebra that, it might get angry with me and fail me in Maths or something. KH was actually not all that bad except for the fact that it really was that bad considering I burnt my finger when I went ahead and grabbed the soldering tool, I just went ahead and grabbed it. And after all of that, my circuit didn't even work and the LED didn't even light up and the speaker didn't even music up. 

I don't know why I dragged myself to House practice but I'm glad I did anyways. We had to run for Sukantara practice and I got third which wasn't all that bad considering only Tabitha and Shasha, two really great runners, beat me to it. So huzzah! And then we had aerobics which was also tiring and the whole thing was tiring and it's not like I ever warm up wrong or anything but, yeah, woke up today and it just feels like post road-run again. 

I don't know. I just don't really know anymore. I've got to stop influencing myself

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