The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

not much chance for survival if the neon bible is right

Step by step, let me walk you through the discussion I had with Elia yesterday. Mostly, Elia responded to this post.
It's like I don't know how Elia does it. She seems so cavalier about everything. She's like "Oh, fuck Malaysia for not supporting homosexuality". And then there's Kai who's actually about as gay as I am and she's saying how she doesn't support gay rights and would much rather stand up against anti-Muslim super prejudiced bigots. Like, doesn't Elia care that she might be tortured to the bone in hell? Doesn't Kai care that people who act even remotely gay get as much crap as those who wear headscarves? Am I supposed to care because of my views on my own personal sexuality? Shouldn't I be totally a hundred percent against it because of my religion?
As usual, bold is mine. Probably indicating that I agree or something.
Actually, yes, I absolutely care. Of course I care that I might be tortured in hell for supporting gays. To elaborate on my support, it isn't that I don't think it's wrong. According to Islamic syariah, it is. It's not what God wants but that's how He made some. I don't think people choose to be gay, do they? Because God's planned out everything for them, He knows what's gonna happen and He's there for everyone during every single one of their decisions.
I guess on some levels I'm still torn on whether or not it's a choice. For some people, I know that it simply isn't. I mean, me, for me, I wish I could just erase it with a snap of fingers. Like, Nadiah said, "Man these kids are corrupted so early" when I told her that some of those people who committed suicide last year were as young as fourteen, coincidentally, my age. Corrupted. Like, if I hadn't been exposed to the things that I've been exposed to, would it make a difference? Personally, I've come to the conclusion that it probably wasn't Harry Potter or Glee - those things made me more accepting and open and tolerant. It was probably Helena and Kai. And therein lies the problem because they count as influence too. Some people actually choose to be gay, so to that I have come to dead end.
But just because I know it's wrong, it doesn't mean I should shun and hate the gays. Because at the end of the day, I'm no better than them; we're all the same. Made of the same earth and blood and also made with flaws and is bound to make mistakes and have sins. If Allah can forgive humans, why can't humans forgive other humans? If Rasulullah S.A.W never shunned or hated any of his enemies or those who went against his beliefs, why should I? As a friend, all I can do is give advice, be there for my friends and pray for them. Pray that Allah will give them the hidayah He sees fit.
This is where she starts to get a bit sidetracked because now she's talking about praying for people. And this is where I can say with utmost certainty that I have no clue how this little bit of inspiration from Elia is going to help me at all especially considering the fact that I am and she's not.
Y'know, when I say "Fuck Malaysia for not supporting gays," I'm also saying "Fuck Malaysia for being so narrow-minded". They refuse to open up to what others think and are so caught up in their own opinions. I know quite a number of gays that have hearts much MUCH purer and brains brighter than those who jeer at them. So I think Allah has His reasons for everything. For every doubt every one goes through, for every trouble they come across. I hate how Malaysians aren't just closed minded about sexuality, but also in other stuff.
Preach, practically. But I still feel bad for agreeing so once again, nothing is solved and nothing will ever be. And then Elia said something about dogs. Personally, I don't touch dogs but I don't understand the level of hate some people have towards this animal. Certain Muslims' hate for dogs, especially, because dogs haven't really done anything to affect your life considering you've never touched them. I think all animals are super cute and lovely (except for those that are naturally ugly) and just because I don't go around touching dogs and touching and eating pigs doesn't mean I don't find them really great creatures. So moving on.
Padahal orang ramai kat luar tu duk bercium-cium, pegang tangan semua tu. And Malaysians are fine with that? It just gets me so angry y'know. Or how there was once where a friend of mine, who's parents/grandparents are Chinese converts and her mother was told directly by a some one that "Coverts aren't gifted as much of the pleasures of Heaven compared to genuine Muslims." The fuck is that. "Genuine Muslims". Because in reality, everyone started off as a non-Muslim. One isn't born Muslim, one chooses to be.
So much agreement on that first part but once again, it's bringing the entire argument back down to zero. Because she's saying that fornication is wrong, by religion, and so is homosexuality. But the hypocrisy part is spot on, Elia. And then comes the other part that completely derails the whole thing altogether - yet again. If you could choose to be anything you want to be, then that means you can choose to be gay, right? Like, I argued with myself last year: would it make a difference if I woke up every morning and told myself that I was straight?
So I hate how when Malaysians come across some thing they think is foreign, they decide it's wrong and they don't just stop there. They continue with hate and everything. I don't remember Rasulullah teaching us to hate. So no, I know it's wrong but I don't hate the gays. I love them just as much as I love every one else. I can't change people, I can't force people to be straight. No one can force me to put a scarf on my head permanently or to stop hanging out with guys or anything. No one can force non-Muslims to convert. No one but God. Force isn't the way and neither is hate. So I'm just gonna be here and be one who doesn't close her mind to other peoples' beliefs.
How do you warp a mind to love someone?

One of the signs of the impending end of the Earth is the increase in same-sex relationships.

Still waiting for the answer to just hit me over the head. 

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