The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Limbs and Violins

i. I don't know about my studies anymore. My Dad says I need to dial it down to a mellower pace (mellower is a word? Wow) and start eating healthier and exercising more often because whenever I get some free time to study nowadays, I fall dead asleep. Case in point, this afternoon, when I was minding my own business memorizing some History shit and I decided to rest my eyes for a little while to let the facts marinate in my head a little bit and next thing I knew, I was lying face down on the freaking pillow. I don't know. I want to study really hard but it's my eyes, more than anything, that's keeping me. I suck. But then again, what else is new? 

ii. So Nisa and I talked about Glee spoilers the other day. Or rather, I did, but it led to this conversation: 
Me: So they're going to prom together.
Nisa: Who?
Me: Kurt and Blaine.
Nisa: Aww.
Me: Excuse me?
Nisa: I like them together, they're cute okay.
Me: I am judging you so hard right now.
Nisa: What? Leave me alone.
Me: Whatever
Nisa: Leave me alone.
Me: Whatever. See you in hell, Nisa.
Nisa: At least you admit to being there.
Me: At least you admit to being there as well. [Beat] Oh, hurry up, let's go to Agama class.
iii. Pre-exam jitters? I don't know this feeling but I guess it might have something to do with that as well. I mean, the whole day, I was sort of PMSing but that can't be right, can it? It's not like I'm anticipating my period anytime soon (not that you needed to know that exactly). We had a lovely first period of Islamic Studies in which NOTHING HAPPENED so that was lovely. I think I had a dream about Zaza just now when I had my "short" afternoon nap so maybe that's why I can't think straight about her. But, um, not a gay dream. So then we had PE but teacher didn't come so we went to the library. I don't know what happened that period. It felt normal when I was there but when I thought about it again just now, I just want to bash my head on a wall or something. That's how the whole day felt, actually. 

iv. It's a bit like missing a limb, this feeling. I don't know, I just turn around in my chair and expect a ghost to be there but there's no one and I don't know what's worse. I haven't missed this much in ages, not since after March exams because the post-exams high was kind of awesome, to be honest, and whatever form of "missing" I've been doing before was entirely based on the fact that I want. Now I kind of feel like I need. It's so empty. And the remembering is the worst part. The fact that I remember the close proximity and the laughter and the smiles. I know I shouldn't and I know I have absolutely no rights at all but it's not like I asked for this. At all. 

v. Fandom identity crisis still going strong. I can't focus. I can't focus if I'm not completely and utterly attached to something like a fucking barnacle. I feel so pathetic, knowing that I have to have something to obsess over just to feel good about myself. I can't help it, though. Yeah, it's somewhat like missing a limb as well, but in a different, more significant way that I would rather liking to losing... a soul or something. Because I haven't been apart from the Potter fandom in a long time and now that I've forcefully ripped myself away from it, I don't know what to do. I literally walk around, confused, head over ass, no fucking clue. I missed the Warblers on The Today Show earlier and I feel so fucking. I don't know if I can do this, but I'll try. 

Fanfiction Hiatus Until 2x20. 

I'm not going to sift through thousands of prom fanfiction just to find what I want, or rather, need to read. Next week's BTW and then after that is exams. The week after that would be 2x20 and so, this whole arrangement works out as good as it's ever going to work out. Catch is that I can reread whatever I want to reread, or follow through with whatever I've been reading prior to today. So no new fanfics. 

God, give me the strength to do this. It's already stupid and sinful enough that I spend my days, slaving over gay fanfiction anyways. 

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