The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

like looking through a fogged mirror

i just cannot anymore i don't even know what my problem is i am just so tired right now shit fuck what the hell is my life. so it was all going great until i saw iman after exiting redbox and i didn't even recognize him at first his hair's grown longer and he recognized me i know he did because we stared at each other and am i making a big deal out of this while he's probably forgotten all about it by now? yeah i am but i don't care because after that i just felt this pang of regret, like all over again, here we go again, all those feelings from after he apologized and i apologized and it was stupid and it was juvenile i know but it doesn't change the fact that i could have still been very good friends with these people if circumstances were different. if maybe i was different.

and then this morning i was also kind of depressed about everything i kind it was leftover residue from the texts i sent out and received in return a few nights ago and i couldn't help but wonder what if i hadn't said yes to a complete stranger's plea. what if i had had the willpower to resist people what if i hadn't been on a freaking power trip because i'm pretty sure if i hadn't said yest to that invitation to kai's sleepover i wouldn't have gotten into that whole mess. i'm also pretty sure that if i hadn't become friends with pri, everything would have remained static on that front. and of course there's hel but i don't know what to regret when it concerns her. just that i regret the fact that she was my first ever kiss.

and so i called maze, when i got home from the curve and told him about iman and it was probably a wrong thing because most of the time i'm thinking, i need someone to catch me and be there for me and lean on, i need a therapist, and i immediately jump to maze because first and foremost, we promised first and foremost, that we were friends. but then  he asked me whether i was happy with him and i said yes. and then he asked me whether i wished i was with them instead and i said i don't know. and then he said something about how he didn't want to have this conversation over phone. again.

i just realized that the only reason i'm with him might be because he's the only one who's been easy so far. iman? no i just couldn't handle that. i was too young, too fresh out of the oven of my disastrous four year friendship with farhana. helena? again too young and stupid. realized almost a year later that i had actually had a crush on her. kai? too different. we were too different and she said so herself, out of everyone, i was the last person she considered to be bi.

and yet when i told her she said she knew. because i had jokingly said that i wasn't straight once. jokingly. and any other person might have taken that as light as the tone was but she didn't. and i just don't know.

fuck x1000000.

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