The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Friday, April 8, 2011

I've Got Soul

So many things I want to talk about actually but it's not all that easy to wrack my brains and trudge through all my thoughts and try to write it all down coherently, concisely, precisely, and in a manner in which I deem nice to read and reread. So it's probably for the best that I just try to write as many things as I can in one post and then forget about trying to map out the next one. 

First and foremost, I realize that I didn't explain the Capricorn Leprechaun thing properly in my last post and while most of you probably don't care at fucking all about it, I'll just put it here in case I forget it anytime soon (or sometime later) and I'd like to have a laugh and indulge myself a little. Nisa and I constantly play this game, Would You For A Million Dollars and basically what we do is ask each other questions of whether we would do a certain thing for a million dollars. Nisa asked me if I would be a Capricorn Leprechaun for a whole year for a million dollars. A Capricorn Leprechaun is basically a leprechaun. I have to rent a leprechaun outfit and pay for it myself and everyday before going home and before recess, I'll have to do a Capricorn Leprechaun dance. And I have to return the outfit every Friday and rent it out again on Mondays even though I know I'm going to be continuously using it for the entire year. Readers, I present to you the inner workings of Nisa's mind. 

I caught American Idol yesterday, and by that, I meant I watched it. I thought (and Khairin agreed) that that was the least rocking Rock 'n' Roll night I have ever had the misfortune to even look at, much less hear, because I don't know about you but when I think Rock 'n' Roll American Idol night, I'm thinking more energy and more screaming and more glitter and just plain old more. Instead, Jacob Lusk sang Man In the Mirror, a song by Michael Jackson, King of Pop. I don't hate it but come on. It only got worst. I've gotten used to Haley's voice and like I said once I think, hers is the kind of voice that is flawed beyond repair but she works it and she can definitely be categorized as someone who 'can sing'. However, I don't think she really understood the song because she was all moon eyes at the audience and camera and it got annoying after a while and her lips are red. I hate that shade of red. Casey brought out his double bass and I can't even begin to care because now that he's Saved, I feel like my obligations as a fan of him have just disappeared completely. Let others handle him, let others vote and rally the votes. This is the level of devotion I show towards my favorite contestant of the season. 

I literally came upstairs during Lauren Alaina's performance and just stopped walking in my tracks. First, I forgot, completely forgot, that she was still in the competition. Second, she's singing that song and God, I really can't handle amateurs singing it during auditions, nothing's ever going to make me actually like hearing her sing it, of all people (although, I'd say this would be an improvement over Pia singing it. Or, you know, Thia). Third, her wardrobe. Again? Can't she just tone it down to something normal human beings would want to be caught alive in for one week? I was kind of mad that James did While My Guitar Gently Weeps because I love that song and I don't like him and either way I don't think he did the song justice. Plus, his personality's starting to annoy me. We've already got semi-smug from David Cook followed by full-on smug from Adam Lambert last time around and I know the Lambert 2.0 argument has been thrown back and forth as much times as James Durbin can shake that ass wipe of his but it is still valid in my book. We do not need another Smug. I don't understand how anyone could like Pia. She's lifeless. Her voice is something closer to perfection than most of the others but performance-wise, she's always so flat. And boring. And she's never, ever brought "anything new to the table". There are three other people I didn't care about and I didn't even watch Paul's performance, anyway, because it was already something past seven at that time and I had homework to complete. 

Today didn't start off any better than previous days and imagine if I started my day like this everyday? Would it be a sign, a happy one, that things aren't going to progress past the initial stages of depression or would it just be monotonous? I'd like to go with the latter, surprisingly. The calm morning wasn't all that fun because of something that I don't feel comfortable disclosing. 

I'm sorry I've got my own problems, too, so I don't really feel like taking care of anyone else's broken child. 

The first period was Islamic Studies and we learned about limbo and the place where all souls go to in wait for the reawakening on Qiamat and I swear, I rolled my eyes so hard, it hurt. I get it by now, I think. I mean, if you're going to take me from messages in my Ask box to nightmares, from scribblings on whiteboards to a emotional health test, from Tumblr arguments to death, it's all pretty much drilled solid in me right now. Nisa came in about ten minutes before the class ended and it was like she sprayed the entire room with that perfume of hers. It's messing up my head, I swear. Memories are being pulled out of random places and switching compartments and I'm going to end up crazy by the time I leave that sad excuse for an educational institution. 

Science was Science and we just did some worksheets. My beans are doing as well as can be expected and I shockingly proud of Mann, who is now a full fifteen centimeters ruler's length! Darwin also grew and man, did she grow. I swear, yesterday I thought she wasn't going to be worth a shit but I woke up this morning to find her nearly as tall as the Fab Four (Darren, Kurt, Chris and Colfer). Draco's still struggling but Franco's broken out of his shell (like, literally). So that's progress on the Bean Report done. 

A fox or something died and it had its head chopped off and people were crowding around it. That's drama at a public Malaysian high school for you. Arts after recess was kind of stinging. I don't know, I guess I've forgotten a lot of things already and for the most part, it's good, because moving on is moving on no matter which way you spin it. But at the same time, it still hurts and it's never not going to hurt, I think. I don't know much about what happened today but I do know that it's just basic karma. Basic "you asked for it". 

Oh, before I forget, I came into 4SE today and there was writing on the whiteboard. Some uplifting, inspirational quote or so, same as that's been written on post-its and stuck on every single reachable surface on the ground floor (and then some). It's a mystery and all of that (but since it involves school and people of the school, I really couldn't bring myself to give a flying fuck) and they (students of 4SE) were puzzling over this for quite a long time because they swore they had their doors locked. At the end though, someone from the class had actually written that and it wasn't the elusive post-its people. And the day before that, there was a squirrel in the classroom. I think they have a much more interesting classroom than my own, which is only fair since they have to climb three flights of stairs, I guess. 

After Arts we had English followed by Geography and prefects meeting was the last affair of the day. Prefects meetings are getting weirder and weirder by the week. Next week, I suspect they're going to bring in a counselling teacher or a clown. My Dad was late in picking me up again and I don't know about the rest but they were most likely history. 

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