The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Concrete

Today was great. No better than yesterday. We had English for first period and once again, teacher decided not to grace us with her presence. No problem, Nisa and I will just talk about our bean plants for an hour. Mann is doing spectacularly. Thirteen centimeters! I am so proud of you, man. Darren, Chris, Kurt and Colfer are all doing quite well and are growing to a respectable height while Michele is just a little bit taller than them. Draco, Darwin and Franco, however, are a disgrace. But that's okay. Nisa's is crazy and all over the place but no one can beat Divyia's (although she's arranged it properly now, pissing off Sabrina and her Eco Corner plant in the process) (as well as providing Nisa and Nina with a fun game of throwing boogers around). 

We had Science afterwards and watched a video of a C-section being performed. My sister is batshit if she thinks that is an acceptable way to live her life, cutting up people's stomachs and gluing it together. And I understand the need for reproduction, I do, but has no one ever questioned why it has to hurt so damn much? I did homework during recess which was a bit worrisome since Jing Ming and Aleeza occasionally passed by and it's not like there's anything to do besides homework so I don't see why I can't. Some rules make sense, others don't. Way of the world and all of that. 

We had our first civics lesson of the year and I must say, I quite enjoy this teacher. Divyia is probably the best new teacher tester (and here we go with me mentioning her name twice already, jeez. Don't worry, it's going to pop up once more a little later on) because the level of greatness of a teacher really depends on how she or he handles her. After that we had BM but there was crazy timetable switches going on with Cikgu A's timetable so we had a free period. I don't know what I did during that. Time seemed to pass by so slow but now that I'm here, I can't seem to remember anything worth remembering. Maths was all right and I am quite proud of myself for finishing all of the questions all by myself (except for number four!) because I have never done that before. Not properly at least. And definitely not all by myself. A little bit more practice and I might just get the hang of this algebra shit yet. Last subject of the day was Islamic Studies in which we basically didn't do much but some of us left to go clean the class ten minutes prior to the bell and then I accompanied Divyia to ring the bell and then I bumped into Elia on the way to the canteen and then I went to buy a drink and then I walked up the hill to my Dad's car and he drove me home. 


So I was just browsing the Internet, as I do, and I came across a Darren picspam and decided to indulge myself, as I so rightfully deserve, and I came across this picture and the first thing that came to mind was Nisa's ludicrous Capricorn Leprechaun and I couldn't help it, I just fell about laughing for like ten minutes straight, it's not even funny. Holy shit, I need help. 

Speaking of needing help, I know I used to say this very often but I think that it's come to that point again. I don't know what it was about last year but no matter how much shit I had piled up on my plate, and trust me, I had tons, I never seemed to be all that depressed. I mean, I remember in Form 1 when I went through a very short phase of my returning depression. It was only about a week or so and that was only because I think I had a fight with a friend of mine who shall remain nameless and that maybe triggered something. It was only a week, though, and plus, the pressure of being an incoming prefect was kind of getting to me because, well, being a KT prefect was something like a vacation, only much more fun. 

Last year, I never really quite returned to that state of depression. Nothing too terrible. Not saying I didn't cry myself to sleep but I don't think it was about anything too bad. I mean, probably just some minor altercations with my friends and maybe some problems I had with these two people that just kept on cropping up in the plains of my dreams. I had bad dreams a lot last year, though. Like, really terrible ones. The empty Year 4 dreams I used to get back when I was ten. Those ones were the worst. I know that for the most part, I was messed up but I think things moved a little too fast for my liking for me to really settle and deal. And now that, well, now that that chapter of my life is safely tucked away (and no matter how I can hope and dream that it will one day maybe come back into my life and start something anew again, it will remain just that: a hope, a dream, a something that will probably never come true but I'll still wish on ten million stars for you), it's safe to say that I'm not moving anymore.

And now I have to deal. So I don't know. I don't know if I should jump the gun and just assume right off of the few bad days I've been having lately that I'm depressed again. I seem okay, better than I used to be, physically, at least, and even though I'm sore all over, it's only because of all the activities I did on Tuesday and then I slept in the wrong position that night. But at the same time, I know that it's been a long time coming. I can't just talk the talk and not expect any backlash. My biggest critic has always been myself and I am so confused right now, I don't even know what to think of my own views, much less other people's. 

I've always prided myself in knowing who I was. Without certain people to sugarcoat things for me, I guess it just got out of hand, if just a little bit. I could be depressed again. I certainly feel that way when I woke up this morning. 

Before this, everything just seemed so abstract. It's frightening, terribly and utterly frightening to know that the signs just keep on coming. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, I'm wrong. I'm not right. I am utterly and irrevocably wrong. Now that I've dreamed it, it just seemed a hundred percent and then some more concrete. 

On the bright side, at least there's a picture of Darren Criss on this post. Leprechaun dance! (And this is the first post I've written in ages that I didn't actually feel like deleting right off the bat).

No comments:

Post a Comment