The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Always

There are a few people in life I will cry for. My parents, my family, perhaps, just a few of them I can think of off the top of my head. It doesn't matter what kind of tears, sadness, happiness, frustration, laughter. I'd cry for H, and M and P and D. I don't, and I won't, cry for Nisa, or Leela or Debbie or Hanna or Nadiah. 

I think it was maybe a month or two ago, when I was stalking Claudia on her blog and someone asked her this question: if given a chance, would she want to meet the cast of Harry Potter, Glee or Team Starkid? And that got me to thinking. 

It got me to thinking of what I should do for this post, this very special post, which is incidentally or not, my nine hundredth on Psychotic Justice. I went back and published all of my drafts so this is legitimately, no questions asked, the nine hundredth post ever and there will be no more overlaps or mistakes, and I won't accidentally make a banner that shows off my extreme handicap at mathematics or anything of the sort. Because I know what I'm making this post about. I know who, or rather what, I'm dedicating it to. 

I had a bit of a fandom identity crisis a few weeks ago. I don't want to go into it a lot but basically it ended in tears. And you know what? I've been so into Glee and its fandom lately that I've just sort of pushed Harry Potter to the back burner and I guess that's been going on for a while now. But I would just like to clarify, to myself more than to anyone else, that I don't cry for Glee. I may have this crazy, all-encompassing love for Chris Colfer and I will never give that up for anything in the whole wide world but I've only cried for him once. And while at the time, I was sobbing and screeching and might have said some really colorful words, my sister's probably right when she said that I wasn't just crying because of that. It was probably a combination of that, how sucky my day went, surprise visit from Kai at school and, of course, PMS. 

I don't cry when I find out spoilers or read fanfiction or participate in a heated "debate" with other fans and I just basically don't cry for Glee. You can't even imagine how many nights I've spent, sobbing into my pillows, because of Harry Potter. You can't even comprehend how many times I've cried over a fanfiction or even why (I cried over Harry/Draco once; that really does not require an answer as to why considering the fact that I won't want to hear it anyways). I don't mind living in Malaysia. Corruption's a done deal but everything else around here is solid. The people are stupid and stuck but it's not all going to magically get better if I move away. I am happy and kind of proud to be a Malaysian but there's nothing, not a single thing out there, that has made me more frustrated, depressed and embarrassed to live here other than the simple fact that the Potter fanbase is lacking. Given my circumstances at the moment, I doubt I'll ever get to make it to Wizarding World, although the hope still burns bright. The days leading up to the release of Deathly Hallows were some of the worst. It's like everywhere that's anywhere around the world, people are prepping themselves up for the release; midnight parties and Wrock concerts and just generally being together on a midnight that's special and that's going to mean so much to so many people.  And if that's not incomprehensible, the fact that one woman is solely and wholly responsible for all of this, I don't know what is. Anyone can say it's odd for people to call JK Rowling their queen but the facts prove otherwise. There are just that many people out there who would sacrifice a lot for Harry Potter.

And in the midst of all the crazy, I'm just here. In Malaysia. Where a fucking behind the scenes strike of sorts made it impossible to purchase a copy of Harry Potter at the big name sellers without a pre-order. 

Of course I'm saddened by the fact that the chances of me going to Glee Live are less than zero. Of course, I am and not a day will go by in which I wish that I didn't have PMR this year and can fly off to America or London to catch it. But it will never stand a chance against how much I care and feel for every single big Potter event that I'm missing, all the conferences, the get togethers, and heck, at the end of the day, I just want someone to squee with. 

So here's to something that has meant this much to me, in all the ways: 
  • People: Would I have met Leela and Debbie if it weren't for Harry Potter? No, the answer is no, I would not have. And while on a scale of one to ten of whether or not I think I would actually die without them, I am still going to be pretty elusive on the answer, I think it's safe to say that they've brought fun and joy to my life I would otherwise have never felt with all the confusion and friends swapping I did back in those days. They were my constant because they were never here and that's sort of weird and it's sort of weird to think of at first but, hey, I'm not complaining. But one thing that's critical and vital and so, so important that you should underline or highlight this sentence forever and ever is that without Leela, I wouldn't have met Maze. So there. Case closed. No Harry Potter, no Leela/Debbi/Effie OT3, no Maze. Of course, there are also the people off the Internet and their parts will be explained more later on as the list progresses. 
  • Movies/Music/Television: Through Harry Potter, I met people, online of course, and without these people, I'm scared of what I might have turned into. There's a reason I don't tune into the radio often and that's because I'm already quite satisfied with the playlists I have on my iPod. It was through LiveJournal, a hundred percent so, that I developed my musical tastes and it was through certain people on there that kept on recommending artists and songs that I stand here today with more than a thousand downloaded albums and several thousand tracks in either my iPod, my computer, my iTunes library, my Bookmarks folder or just plain old all over the place. And there's a reason that I pushed myself further musically, and I think at some point it was because of Maze, and as we've already established, no Harry Potter equals to no Maze. Movies and television shows are kind of self-explanatory. I got all into fantasy and mythology because of Harry Potter and some people in the fandom are flawless in more ways than one so without them, I wouldn't have discovered some of the things I have (Fringe, Skins, BSG, Vampire Diaries to name a very few). Also, no Glee. I am serious. I probably would have heard of it surely because of LJ and Tumblr but I'll get back to this a little later on. I discovered Glee through B, who was a friend of mine through LJ and the reason I knew her is because of FNL and the reason I watched FNL was because someone else in the Potter fandom had highly recommended it. And also, I would not have been as heavily into the Glee fandom without Klaine and the only reason I fell in love with Klaine and Chris Colfer and got to connect with awesome shippers online is because I was first interested in the idea when I found out that Darren Criss was going to play Blaine and no Harry Potter, no AVPM/S, and there might still have been Team Starkid but Darren will be known for other things and all of this equals to my eternal gratification. 
  • Internet: People learned their HTML through Myspace. I acquainted myself with that and everything the world of coding entails with LiveJournal and Blogger. Plus, there was that whole stint of mine as a contributor to a certain website I choose to keep a secret. Plus, all the awesome people. Too much awesomeness, I can't handle it. Do you think I would have been as well acquainted with the ins and outs of the Internet and to that extent, the computer, without Harry Potter? I don't. 
  • Books: I think my love for certain books just came and took my life by storm and it probably had nothing to do with Harry Potter. Now, I won't jump anything here and state that Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone was the first decently sized novel I've ever read because it wasn't but I would say that it was one of my first favorite books ever. And I also won't say that it started my love for reading, not at all, but it helped, it enlarged my love of books into something that I never would have dreamed of. And by extension:
  • Writing: I think I can credit this a hundred percent and then some to Harry Potter. I only started writing, really writing, after I discovered fanfiction. Without Harry Potter, Psychotic Justice just might not exist at all. 
  • Fashion: Well, this is the most indirect of all, I think, but having this obsession with Harry Potter and having to live with it in this country really pushed me to not having boundaries, to doing things my own way and living the way I want to and that doesn't mean doing drugs or smoking or fornicatin', not at all. It just means that I like having an identity, I like being "the girl who likes Harry Potter" because even if it meant being tethered to something, it was a something that was awesome and all of this and probably more that words won't suffice is what led to me deciding that no, money was better spent on books instead of clothes; that no, it was better to wear what you want to wear instead of what others want you to wear; and that yes, it doesn't matter anyway because either way, as long as it's simple and tasteful, I and everyone else can look awesome with whatever's on our skins. 
  • Everything else: My opinions and my thoughts were changed and forever shaped by Harry Potter, the people in the fandom and the messages that the books and every single supporter of them out there has ever broadcasted or said aloud. I would be a completely different person today, head to toe, if it weren't for the books, if it weren't for the fandom. And as stupid and unbelievable as this sounds, it still rings true, that I can't imagine my life without Harry Potter.
Yeah, so, that's it. I am all written out. 

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