The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Friday, March 11, 2011

The Other One

From genuine disinterest to just feeling, well, numb, which is where I stand today. There are tons of other feelings I'd normally associate with a situation like this, disappointment being in the forefront followed by hurt, denial, a little bit of anger and all the sads in the world. It's just come to a point where I see that there is actually no point. I mean, aside from me, who is really getting hurt here? And to that extent, even I will admit that I'm not genuinely bothered by any of this at all. I have all these feelings, sure, and no one to turn to to upchuck them upon, but other than that, I think I'm good. It's not that I like making a spectacle of myself. I used to do that a lot - subconsciously - and every time I open my big mouth, I'll regret it because I can't help but wonder if I've said too much. 

Mostly I'm disappointed in myself, though, because I remember telling myself back then that I'd never separate being the best from being happy. I told myself that as long as I did whatever it took to stay up here that I'll never ever feel unsuccessful. But that was such a big lie because now I go to school, and I get these really super awesome grades and I am just so proud of myself but I can't- I don't seem to be doing anything right at all. And it just sucks so bad because I told myself, I like wrote it all down and I keep on telling myself everyday that they all don't matter, that I am way more important than anyone else in my life and that I should just ignore people because I don't care about them at all and sometimes I have to wonder, you know, about all these other people who do have best friends, who do seem to care about people other than themselves and who do things that benefit someone else. And I'm just like here, thinking that I actually do all those things, you know, I actually help people when I think they deserve it, I actually care about people and is it wrong of me to pretend that I don't? To say that the person whom I value most in my entire life is myself? Is it wrong of me to say that when these people who are friendly as fuck and have chain loads of friends actually really, truly, genuinely only care for themselves? 

Like I have no idea what you see when you see me but I've always told myself that I didn't care about that. That I don't care if I come off as brash or abrasive or someone who is literally literal and really mean. That I don't care if you see me walking around by myself or being the only lonely person in a crowded room. Because you know what? It doesn't matter if I put my heart and soul into a friendship or a relationship or whatever, it doesn't, because nobody really cares. Because I'm not all that worth it, apparently. Because I refuse to change and for that, I'm rewarded with negative five friends. It doesn't matter if I say, "I'll always be there for you" because people just assume that I'm lying, right? Right off the bat, that girl can't be trusted. And I'm just like shut the fuck up. You're the one who's hurt me more times than I've you and, yeah, so I say things sometimes that might make you a little upset and I get that in the grand scheme of things, I probably do deserve everything that comes my way but actions really do speak louder than words. I've hurt people because of the things I say. Do you know how easy it is to just say things that you don't mean? People have hurt me, you have hurt me, because of the things that you do. It's like gosh, get it into your thick head that I'd go to ends of the Earth for you. I would sing that stupid Bruno Mars song about catching grenades for you. And I have no idea why you keep pushing me away. And I know that partly it's my fault as well but I can't help it. You're just not willing to understand. I've always been the person to initiate everything. I've always told you whenever you were annoying me and like a fool, I just always expected you to understand where I'm coming from but you never have. 

It also sucks to know that you don't really have a best friend. At least not one that goes to school with me. I mean, I don't know about you, but the distance between myself and everyone last year really helped. It's like I could call them my best friends because they weren't around everyday for me to witness their epic assholeness. Correct me if I'm wrong because I know that happens a lot but I sort of understand you. I hung out with you for what? four? five? years so at this point, not only have I understood and tolerated your brand of humor, I've come to enjoy it, but you know what? I don't care how wrong it is and I don't care if you tell me that I'm going to hell, you can't treat a person like this because when the assault's personal - whether it be a verbal assault or physical, and in my case it's verbal - it hurts. And I don't even care that it's a form of bullying because I deserve that, I truly do. All I care about is that you're supposed to be my friend, my best friend, and I've stood up for you so many times behind your back without the need at all to boast about how good a friend I am and here you are saying all these things to my face and acting like it doesn't even matter. I don't know why I even bother and I don't know why I'm still here and it kind of all boils down to the fact that without you, I really won't have anyone else, would I? Am I just doomed to be trapped in friendships forever? Can't I just have one that doesn't make me feel like I'm being suffocated? 

I just don't know what to say anymore. It's like what can I say anymore? If everything I say is just going to slide off of your shoulders, go in one ear, out the other one, what does it even matter? What does it even matter if I say I love you and I really mean it? It doesn't because you obviously don't love me back and I am fine with that because you don't know me and I don't know you, not really? Not anymore? Not ever? Who cares? I can't deal with worrying about you any longer because it's pointless. I can say all the things that I've always wanted to say, how great I think you are, how smart and talented and charming you are, how good you make me feel; doesn't matter. It's not because of that, you know, because I'm not speaking as someone who has more than mild crush on you. I'm speaking as your friend. You just don't get it or maybe this is how we all feel and maybe this is how we're going to feel all our lives. That we're alone. That we're not worth it. I'm not a good judge of character. I'm not good with people in general. So this may come off totally redundant, but all in all, you don't suck. That's a big compliment coming from me. 

So there's nothing I can say. There's nothing I can fix either. The worst part is that I don't even care about any of you, not really, I just care about you making me feel good. And here I am, preaching to others to care about people other than themselves for once in their Goddamn lives and all I really care about is feeling great about myself. I am such a bad person who doesn't really deserve to live. I just care too much. 

I just have no idea who's saying things that should actually matter anymore. Like, if I said it, then would that matter? Or if you did, does that matter? 

You know what will matter, though? If we put our hearts together and pray for those who are/will be in danger today. I started off the day being the most ignorant drama queen ever and by the end, I do regret it somewhat. I mean, I haven't cried in class in ages but there you go. It's all about me, me, me! But seriously. I know that prayers do work wonders even if they're whispered in the darkest corners of your hearts. And for now, there's nothing that can actually be done because natural disasters aren't something humans can just play with. I know there are already casualties as it is and like, wow, what? I mean, I just don't know what it would feel like if it were me whose losing a family member or a close friend, I mean, I can't even picture it, can you? So, just, if you're not up to prayers than at least be aware because at least you know. At least you know that there are worse things out there, going on to people who actually have problems of their own, families of their own. And being ignorant is the shortest end of the stick.

I have the biggest headache right now. 

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